Wendy, I think it's just the world we live in today...So many things have changed since I was a kid...Family units are not as they were..I have 3 kids and 6 Grands...I take the initiative and call most of the time..they just don't think...If I want to be a part of their lives I have to call them...I do, because I don't want to miss out on to much...You did nothing wrong in my opinion, it's just a different structured family unit as when we were growing up..things change....Hugs to you!

Times have changed. I hear from my own kids every couple of weeks but my dear DIL calls at least once a week. Their lives have gone on while ours came to a stand still. The loneliness does get easier to bear. I just passed the 3 yr mark. I miss him but like Debbie, hope that I will not be alone the rest of my life. My job kept me so busy that I didn't have time for anything else. After being laid off without warning last month, I now have all the time in the world and plan to make good use of it while I job hunt. It takes time and energy to pick ourselves up and decide who we are going to be and what we want to do with the rest of our lives. As I have always said, as long as I proceed in a way that would make my darlin' proud of me, then I am on the right path. Blessing, Barb

I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling. I have a daughter I do not see as well. It hurts when they don't act like they care enough to even call. My daughter has marriage issues, a controlling husband who doesn't like her to have contact with her family, so I know it's a hardship for her to have to deal with him in order to have contact with me, so I tell myself it's not her, it's him. The fact remains though that if she really wanted to be a part of my life she would find a way to make it happen. I often find myself feeling like you do, wondering what I did wrong or where I failed. It's hard to put that away but honestly, I think it probably has little to do with anything we did or did not do---it's circumstance. I hope and pray that your daughters realize what they are missing at some point and reach out for mom again. We never really know what we have until it's gone. God Bless You

You have done nothing wrong. Life has just dealt you a really raw deal. I just turned 63. I have 1 daughter who lives in TN. I live in ID on the other side of the USA. I hear from her by phone a couple time a month or so. When she calls we seem to have good visits. I do think she loves me. She is just so busy trying to support herself that I don't think she realizes how important her phone calls are. I do not call her often as she is either busy or tired when I do call.
To fight loneliness I try to keep very busy. Seems like if I keep running fast enough it might not catch me. When it does, I hope I'm so tired I can't pay attention to it. I don't think this is the best way to cope with it but that sort of works for me.
I know I did not understand how quickly loneliness overwhelms a person until 4 months ago. Now I understand why my Mother was always lonely even though I called her every day and tried to go see her at least once a week. I now know that you can go from "okay" to being filled with loneliness in less than 60 seconds! Your children & my daughter do not have this understanding yet. For their sake I hope they don't for many years to come.
I am sure that your father appreciates your calls to him and looks forward to them. I bet you are making his life much brighter even though you are fighting the monster of loneliness. Hugs and warm wishes to you. Darlene

You did nothing wrong. God has a different path for us now and we all know it wasnt what we expected with the loss of our spouses. The loniness has been the hardest for me because I have been with my husband longer then I have been single. I miss my life with him terribly. I have children and they still live with me and still I am lonely. No matter where or with whom I am with I miss my husband. I have come closer to the Lord and I rely on him to fill my heart and I pray everyday for him to answer all my prayers. I will keep praying and ask for everything through his word and promises. Try to plan things in your life that makes you happy. I know at first I thought my friends and family forgot about me but I now know they are busy and they do not understand our grief only God knows. Just pick up the phone or plan on things that you have been wanting to do, from having dinner with a friend, find a new hobby or plan a trip etc. I know we all go through bouts of saddness and they overwhelm us and unfortunately this will not end.
The pain lessens as time goes by. We just have to try to find ways to turn it around somehow. What else can we do? Our lives are not in our hands. I too have placed my life in Gods hands. With God all things are possible. Edie

I also feel I have done something wrong. I feel that I have to walk on eggshells around my son & daughter in law. They seem to call when they need a babysitter. They never seem to want to include me in any family plans. Thanks to all my DS friends, I love reading what people have written it makes me realize that other people are feeling the same way.

Hi Patswife - this is the other Patswife. My kids are not as attentive as I would like either. Today I went to a therapist for the first time. I talked about my son who is attending this therapy place and is difficult to deal with. One thing she said was "daughters begin to detach themselves from their mothers at the age of 17 and keep a distance for about 10 years. Then about 10 years later they come back." She said as long as mothers allow the daughters to leave when they return their relationship can be very good. If the mothers are very upset by it and get angry they could hurt the relationship. She seemed to think this was extremely common - so perhaps this is part of it and when they grow up a little bit it will be different. In the meantime - perhaps inviting them places or over for dinner.

But yeah - I feel a lot like you and I am crying a lot too. I understand children want to distance themselves - but don't they see how we're alone now? Maybe not as much as we'd like.

I think our kids get busy living their lives, and move on. They lost a parent not a partner in life. We are left with memories of happier times. I don't want my kids to think they have to visit, but I love when they do. My daughter lives an hour away, and I see her about every 2 weeks. My son lives in Missouri, and I only see him 2-3 times a year.
The hardest thing about being alone, is figuring out what makes you happy. Sometimes it takes a lot of soul searching. Some suggestions to think about, church groups, book clubs, volunteering at a nursery or old folks home. Making friends with older people, helps both of you, they are lonely too.
I'm at 22 months, and I am attending a Griefshare class, and have made friends in the class, and we are starting a book club after it's over. We feels we can relate to each other better.
Hope you find yourself, and who you want to be, without your husband. It's one of the hardest things to do.
Paula

I have to agree with deauxgirl, that we need to soul search and find what makes us happy. I know my husband isn't coming back, and I am coming to terms with that. I returned to my grief Christian counselor, which is my safe haven to let it all out honestly and openly. The things that make me happy are my home, my cat, my friends, family, bus trips, ceramics, bingo and the opportunity to get closer to God. My next-door neighbor and I are getting closer, and she is going to do private bible studies with me.

I don't like the feeling of being alone, nor lonely, and always find ways to overcome it. We are not alone, really, just alone in the sense that our spouses are not physically here anymore. Through my counseling I have discovered that I am not ready for another companion, boyfriend, or remarriage. It is something I choose to not think about. If it is God's will down the road, I will know it is right. But for right now, I am wanting to discover me, rebuild my confidence and independence, and be the best friend, employee and family member I can be. It is the only thing that brings me peace at the present time.

I had a phone call from my stepdaughter on Monday and she chastised me for not keeping in touch. She lives about 8 hours away and she and hubby have a very busy life and she usually calls me once a week on the way home from work. My son texts me and tries to call at least once a month. The stepson has two small children and he is 47 so wrapped up in his own life. I agree that we are living in a tech world and direct communication in person or by phone seem to have disappeared... one thing that I read in one of my grief books was that we need to reach out if we are not receiving calls. If that means just a message on their answering machine or voice mail, I find that helps me to cope.

I am alomost 6 months into this journey, You are so right it is the LONLINESS. My daughter and SIL live 1/2 mile away and even though they are around alot, I am LONELY most of the time. Thank God for GRANDKIDS. Peace to you. Denise

I feel the same. I have my kids who have been great, but they do have their lives. I have Stepkids who are also great, and I see them at least once a week, but again, they have their lives. I don't want them to ever think they are responsible for my happiness.

I know i've got to find that myself, and I know it's the missing in action "best friend' that I'm missing. that hand to hold, those arms that make it all ok. That guy who could give me a look across a room and I'd KNOW I wasn't alone. THAT'S what I miss so much.

i look at the moon at night now,(or his picture) and talk to him. I believe he hears me. I tell him how I'm feeling, And as much as i feel better, I feel lonely.

What they say is true. You can be in a crowd and feel lonely. Big difference from alone. I try to remember to be thankful for what I have, and what I had, but at night it's TOUGH to say the least.

Trouble is, we want THEM back, and that can't happen. at least not in this world, and until it's time to see them again, gotta find some way, some "new normal" for us here. Haven't figured that all the way out yet, but if I ever do, that's when it will get easier.

Thanks for posting this! that's the hardest part. the LONLINESS. thanks to all the wonderful people here, it's less than it could be!!!

HUGS to all

Diane