Hugs to you. I don't have children, but I don't think you went wrong. I think society today is such that twenty-something kids, don't understand the importance of real time spent together In this high-tech world where we text instead of talk just because, I think people just don't realize the importance of the human voice or even better of spending real and not "virtual" time together. If your relationship with your daughters is one where you can actually talk...then I would tell them that you want to spend more real face to face time with them. You may have to be willing to fit it into busy schedules but if you are all willing to work at it I'm sure they would be too. I will be thinking of you and sending prayers and blessings to you to help you through this tough time.

I have four kids living in the same city as me. I probably see three of them an average of 8 hours a year. The other child moved to be near me and I see my grands every single day and my daughter every Friday. I often see my SIL and the grands on Sundays when my daughter works. I will go there for coffee or they will call in and see me.

My kids are well off and think shoving money at me is what I want but honestly I would like to have their company more than their money.

I told them on my birthday and Christmas, NO gifts, just call me once in a while. Ya right! Hugs, Wendy

It's funny, or strange, that I did to my parents exactly what my kids are doing to me. When I left home, I made MY LIFE, and my parents were just a distant reminder of what all I could escape from - their rules and regs that I didn't particulary embarace. In later life, however, I began to value my parents so much but we didn't live in the same town, so phone calls and visits about 3x a year were the extent of our contact (besides phone). My kids have their ownlife, and for my daughter's family, I really don't fit in anywhere except Easter, Thanksgiving, & Christmas. their son is into serious baseball (senior in HS this yr) and all his life their family has centered around his games, practices, road games, etc. Most of the time I didn't even get notified of the date, time and place of his games,so I couldn't attend. They neveer had time for family getogethers such as camping, family dinners, day trips. So for 16 years, I have lived "on the sidelines". My son, on the other hand, and his wife and 4 yr old GS live 5 minutes from me. They are all into outdoors events and the include me at least 50% of the time in camping, eating out, just plain coming over to visit. I am very close to my little GS and he is my greatest joy at this time in my life. He is a lover and a hugger - just what I need!

Anyway, I think the bottom line is that we don't appreciate what we have until it is too late, and when we want to be understood in our sorrow, we only get a little "whatever time is left over after all the important stuff gets done". Translated, I am not important anymore. It's part of live. My parents would have loved more contact with me, and I did honor them with the best I could considering the distance between us (250 miles). Even so, I could have done better.

My husband used to repeat a phrase he thought of so often, "Too soon olt, too late shmart!"

i am at 17 months also my wife and i didnt have any children of our onw. she had two daughters when we met to her first marraige they are both grown up now the olderst i dont see the last time i saw her was 17 months ago her youngest i see about twice a week for about 5 hours in total she brings her two kids with her and tries to get as much out of me as she can .i dont have anyone else .but thats not the hard part as time went by i got some good friends on this site one very important friend and we got very close her husband pasted away a month before my wife did we have been to vegas together and i just got back from australia and in september she comes here for two weeks and on october 7 i move to be with her .the lonelyness is the hard part after being with her for two weeks and now im back to my empty house i just cant wait until she is here ...............good luck and best wishes ..................scott

The lonliness is overwhelming. I have to say as a mother of 4 (3 still home with me) and living with my mom til I find a new house, I am still lonely. My hubby was my best friend. We talked about everything and spent time together constantly, with kids and without. I cannot replace him, no matter how many are around me, I am still lonely. This is such a hard journey, and I don't think it gets easier. I wish there was an easy answer??? Hugs, Dawn

Wendy,

Your concern is valid. It is all too common to be relegated to the sidelines of the over-committed lives of our children and grandchildren. Priorities have shifted over the generations, and families more often than not are consumed by the many activities in which their children are involved. I have two daughters and four grandchildren; there is seldom a week that doesn't have several functions that dictate the spare hours after their workday.

I would like to approach this issue from another anglemaybe one a bit different and not so palatable to the survivor of loss. I take the initiative to find out schedules, times, and locations of the many activities of the grandchildren; and I make it a goal to be at as many as possible. Sometimes I'm driving hours to a dance competition, leaving at 6 a.m. to arrive in another state, or sit in the rain at a football game that I am totally clueless as to what is happening on the fieldexcept that I know my grandson's number :>) and am constantly scanning the field or the bench for that special number.

Bottom line, I ask for dates and immediately put them on my calendar. Yes, it means ditching other plans because I need or want to be there for my grandchildren. It gives me the opportunity to see our daughters, know what's happening in their lives, and offers me the connection to the things that are now priority in their busy days. Believe me, Wendy, it makes a huge difference. Instead of waiting for them to come to me, I make a committed effort to be involved in their lives. The grandchildren are always appreciative that I made the effort to attend their competitions, games, or concerts.

The flip side is that I am a busy mother and grandma, and our daughters now make sure that they send me their schedules via email or Google Calendar so that I'm well informed. It took insistence on my part to keep on top of everything, but so well worth the effort. We even joke about it sometimes that we need a paper trail; i.e., email, texting, and so forth so that everyone is "on the same page" when it comes to activities. Word of mouth just doesn't do it when there are so many things happening at the same time.

As others have mentioned, our children's focus is (1) their children, (2) their spouse, and last (3) a widowed mother or father. It has a reverse effect when we make the special effort to be present at functions. They then have something they can chat with us about that is relevant to their present lives, and with that comes those precious times when we sense that parent/child connection once again.

These are just some of my thoughts. They may not be everyone's cup of tea. I know that after our loss we feel we should be the concern of our children, but that wanes after a while. Their lives go on and become even busier, and we are in the background wondering what in the world has happened to our happy and close-knit family. It can be that way again to some degree, but very often we have to be the ones who move the greater distance toward their lives than the other way around.

Blessings to you as you find new ways to connect with your children and grandchildren. TJ

No Grandchildren here. Happy for Scott that he is happy again. Thanks for all the replies. Hugs, Wendy

Wendy...you didn't go wrong with your daughters, but you have reminded me to call my dad. He has 3 of mine for part of the summer and I should call and see if he is still in his right mind. Thanks for the wake up call. We get busy with ...stuff...like work and kids. It is no excuse, but it happens.

Maggie

I think that TJ's advice is spot on,(it usually is!!!). Making an effort to be a part of others lives is very important, and helps so much. I have learned not to ''expect'' anything, and to go towards the people I want to be close to without demanding anything in return, because it usually bring you such happiness. I don't have children/grandchildren and only have adopted family in Florida. I have managed to have family though, and feel a part of people's lives because I make an effort to be part of theirs. We all want unconditional love, and that ''shorthand'' back - someone who looks out for us first - that was our husband/wife - and it's not going to happen sadly. Just be a beacon,and spread the love, and when you do, it ''comes back'' ten fold. Best regards, Vicki

I don't have any children/grandchildren either, and yes, the loneliness can get overwhelming. I started a bus trip hobby so that the phone rings and I meet new people. It is something to look forward to. I also involve myself in ceramics class, bingo, and bible study in the fall/winter. Whenever my nieces/grand nieces or sister ask me to do something, I go.

I always said never, but in all honesty, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I have placed my life in God's hands, and whatever he decides is best for me will be. In the meantime, I do the best I can and thank God for another day.

I feel that way alot. Why aren't my children by my side more often. Well they are busy and it's not because they don't love me but they dol I think my girls needed some space to grieve their Dad in their own way. It's getting better and let me tell you Jim's death brought my two daughters closer together. They were never all that close before. I live alone, I sleep alone I am alone....it's all part of being a widow. No one to depend on but yourself. I keep waiting for something or someone to come into my life to make it really happy again. I hope I won't be waiting for the rest of my life.....

I will give maybe a different twist on this. My mom never ever ever ever calls any of her 3 children. She feels it is our responsibility to call her. My brother and sister live in CA, we are in IL. My dad died in 2003. I have been a pretty attentive daughter up until my husband got ill last summer. My mother told my sister that that is no excues for me forgetting about her. Since my husband died my mother does not mention his name. She changes the subject if I even bring him up. She expects me to go on like nothing happened.

I have 4 kids. 3 boys and a step-daughter all of them are adults. The only one who calls me regularly is my step-daughter. However whenever I call my boys the are happy I did. I know my kids have busy lives, I dont feel like they neglect me, I try to reach out and make the plans and see them. I don't want to make them responsible for my happiness, and I don't want them calling or visiting out of obligation. My mom guilts me, I don't want to guilt them.

I feel exactly like you do. It seems the kids are busy with their own lives and I am not at the top of the priority list. I always have to make the call and schedule the visits. They were always first in my life. I even put them before my husband and now here I sit without a husband and children that are too busy for Mom. Sending hugs your way. Barbara

Barbara, My thoughts perfectly! Hugs, Wendy