At 11 months, I still struggle with rebulilding my life. I love being out of the house and busy with volunteer work, classes, etc., but once I pull into the garage, it is a whole new ballgame. Just really hard not sharing my life with that special person I loved most in the world. I keep doing all the footwork and go to a grief support group, so I pray with time everything will come together and my joy will come back.

Ramar . . . you are certainly not alone in your feelings as you can see by all of the post responses. I concur with all you wrote. I wake up every day wondering what my new "purpose" is . . . what are my goals, my ambitions, my dreams, future? . . . I am totally clueless . . . I muck through the day . . . only to go back to bed with the same thoughts rambling around in my head.

All we can do is hold on and take the days as they come one by one. Breathe .. . we are here for a reason and that reason and purpose will unfold with time. Thoughts and prayers are with you. xo, Dayna

I was going to retire in 2014 and we were going to buy a new motorhome and finish seeing the USA. Just the two of us.

This was going to be OUR TIME, no jobs, no kids, just us!!!!

Morey had a stroke that took away his ability to walk, he tried to crawl and had trouble just manipulating his legs [he was fine one day and then this]......it was so sad to watch him try as he yelled at me not to call the paramedics and to let him do it on his own........I had to watch my HERO, my knight in shining armor be turned into a mass of useless muscles! This is what nightmares are made of!!!!!! I cried and wrung my hands because I knew I had to call for help and that he would be forever angry at me!

He died in intensive care, in the middle of the night. My guilt for not being with him at every given moment stays in my head, lingers behind my tears and grabs at my heart to remind me that he was alone!!!!

All this happened on April 11, 2013 and it feels like 100 years ago and at times, as if it happened this morning.

I still can't walk barefoot in the hallway where he crawled from his bathroom........

Time, it's all we need, time! And, each other!

Roz

Ramar,
All I can say is everything that everyone before me wrote. I too am struggling each and every day to find my New Normal. I am at almost 6 months and this month has been extremely hard. Seems worse than the past 2 months. I am trying to get out and do things with friends but while I fake it while in the moment I come up empty when I get back home. Those momentary distractions are just that. I have connected with old friends and made new friends through this process, but it still leaves me feeling empty inside. Plans, hopes, dreams all gone or changed. I don't like this life and don't see the purpose for all this, but do see that there are others who have made it through, so all I can say is we have to try and try and try until something changes inside us. Good luck to you my friend. Hugs, Robyn

It does get better for many, but I'm still waiting, after 3 yrs for some kind of joy to happen. I have no plans, there is no where to go and no one to do it with. I am just ticking off time right now. Just do the best you can to fill your time and someday it will happen, we will turn that corner and find its okay after all. (I hope)
Hugs,
JoAnn

The early days are meant to be spent grieving. That is what you are in. You will not be able to see clearly much of anything, and certainly not what the future may hold, through the tears. To tell you about your life in the coming years will seem silly and ridiculous to you because the pain is new, fresh, raw, deep, and unstoppable.

I can tell you that it won't always be that way.

Is this all there is? -- you ask. No. This is not all there is. But it will take time and effort before you are able to see that.

There is a point where you will turn around and realize how far you have come, how much you have been through, survived, learned from, and grown through -- but that is not where you are today, and won't be tomorrow. But you will make it.

I lost Cliff 7 years and 3 months ago. I can tell you, quite honestly, that if I had given up in those early days that I would have missed so much, so incredibly much, that I am glad I did not. You will find your reasons to hang on and go forward if you look for them. Some of those reasons are in your own heart, in your own loving memories. Others you will find along the way, and many will surprise you.

Happiness is as inevitable as sorrow. Not all of life's surprises are bad surprises. We forget that when we lose our loved ones. It takes time to relearn that. But you will. Don't give up. You can get through this, and you don't have to go it alone.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

That is question I think we all wrestle with. I am just past the 2 year mark and only recently have started the process of carrying the grief close to my heart and yet allow myself to experience joy even if only for moments as the opportunity arises. I still consider myself in the early stages of finding the joy but the good news is I see it as a possibility once again. I hope and pray for everyone here that they also see the possibility of joy once again.

I like Sandee's reply, "I feel like I am waiting for something...What?" Although not as pronounced as during the very early months, that feeling still knocks me for a loop from time to time.

It is almost 9 months since my husband passed away. I still complete a project - usually something to do with house maintenance or finances - and feel like something is missing. I think I'm still waiting for someone to tell me "good job." And I expect it to be easier the following month.

Ramar, you are so new in this journey and your words take me back to my very early days. I am so sorry that you and everyone else new to the loss of their spouse is going through the intense pain the "beginning" brings. It does become a bit easier as time goes by. I am glad you are on DS - keep coming back. Karen

Oh my gosh I have said these exact words many times.

Its been four years. Yes, I fix things on my place, I feed my horses, I am now the Lions club Prez (ugh there), & now go to work M-F 6.5 hours. But other than that I am still alone. I still stress over my roof needing fixing ($$$$) etc. And I am still here just breathing. I wish I could find some thing that meant more...I am doing but again those words Is all there is to life now? Those plans of being with a partner for your old age....I miss the talking over first cup of coffee, sharing comments on the news blah blah Silence is not golden! But we do find we get up every day and do what needs to be done don't we?

Cottage . . . well said and spoke volumes to me this morning of my added subconscious burden of having to deal with the normal mid-life (possible crisis) issues along with grief. I simply feel lost in all aspects of "me". BTW, thanks for the hairball chuckle. I needed that also! :)

Ramar, is this all there is? Good question posed. I certainly hope not. At ten months, I can tell you that it easier in some aspects, harder in others. It's forever changing and quite the ride.

I am given hope, as I hope you will find here as well, through others testimonies that have travailed before us and have not only survived, but have found new life, joy, happiness and love.

It's not the end, but a new beginning . . . one we didn't want and struggle to accept. It is our reality today, one day at a time, acceptance is key.

My heartfelt condolences to you. Hang in there my friend. Big hug, Dayna

At four years and 3 months, time has made a difference; and life is different in many ways. I have found peace and serenity and am happy. One day at a time, I've accomplished a lot and come a long way. It is "different" planning for just one when most of my adult life was about "two". It is "different" living alone with just my cat. But it's all ok. As I look back at how I got to this point, I see that I floundered a lot in the beginning, feeling like a fish out of water, not knowing what to do, where to turn, who to trust....feeling the great weight of "aloneness". I came to this site often, sometimes posting, sometimes just reading what others shared. Knowing that what I was thinking and feeling were normal for what I was experiencing helped greatly. I wrote in a journal daily, sometimes several times a day. I wrote about the good, bad & ugly, whatever I was thinking and feeling at the time. Just knowing that it was ok to proceed at my own pace was a relief. Building this life of just "one" has been educational in many ways, scary sometimes, adventurous at times and do-able at all times, even those times when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will not always be in this place. It will get better. As someone posted on this board a long time ago, "time needs time", and so it does. Be kind and gentle with yourself right now; know you are where you need to be right now; and even though it's not comfortable, it won't be forever. Be open to professional help if you need it. It is yet another tool you can use to help you over the bumps in the road. Come here as often as you need to. We'll walk with you always. Blessings.

Like most of you, the rug was pulled out from under my feet. Plans together, a future. I try now, to figure out, what "I" like to do. I want joy and happiness, but can't depend on anyone but myself now, to get it. I keep learning, taking classes at the library, trying to find out who I am, since I feel like half is missing.

It's funny, before my husband died, I didn't know I needed fixing. Now I need to discover myself again. It's hard work. I try to find joy in simple things, like a walk in the park. I got a sketch book and I'm trying to capture some of what I see. Maybe when I'm gone, my family will enjoy it. I want to take up photography and explore the beautiful landscapes around me.

I think sometimes just getting out into the world, even alone, is the best way to start living again. Like Sandee, I too, sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for something? What, I don't know.

Paula

At 7 and 1/2 months I feel like I'm going backwards.
For a short period of time I thought I was doing better. But this past week I feel like I'm grieving more and crying a lot more.

I've been taking an anti depressant for 4 months, and I honestly don't know if it's helping or not.

The weather has been brutally cold this past week, with snow ... and I'm sure that adds to my feeling down.

But, I question is that all there is, too.

Hugs,
Janie

Janie the going backwards is a very common feeling at the stage you are in in this unwanted journey. I like Cottage your thoughts finding peace (not happiness) yet like another said you can be happy just how do I say a different doing ok happiness. I guess that is all there is...because the other is the sharing ....many can find it sharing with grandkids nearby, a close close friend, and those who found a new relationship its great. But for many at that age UGH hate that but its hard to think of another relationship at age 65. SO being ok and at peace is a portion of that happy.