A male friend told me the other day that Larry would want me to be happy. When he said that, I knew in my heart it was the truth. Larry would never want me to suffer as I have been. As hard as it's been, I often think about that and try to pull myself together so Larry would be proud of me. When I'm falling apart I find myself telling Larry I'm sorry, because I know for sure he would be sad to see me suffering.

On the other hand, I also find myself fighting off feelings of guilt when I start to feel joy. I just feel so bad that Larry had to die. His biggest fear was not getting to live long enough to enjoy retirement, and that's what happened. He worked hard his whole life. But, again, I know for sure in my heart of hearts he would not want me to be sad forever and not enjoy life.

Stanley knew my husband well and was a very good friend to both of us. Stanley is a good friend who was right that for me living a life in grief would not be what Mike would want for me. He was right. I know that Michael will live inside me forever. There will always be regret that I will not grow old with him or watch his response to being called Grandpa for the first time as he sees his daughters and son as new parents. Michael will not see Europe with me or watch me grown into the old women who holds an uncanny resemblance to her Grandmother. I will miss the way that he always said me too, and how he never missed an opportunity to sit and watch a summer sky. Michael helped define the women that I am and the pain of not having him by my side is at times unthinkable. I can tell you what his last meal was, the last thing he wore, and the last words he said to me. I will always have the sound of his last voice etched into my mind. However, for me, the thought of grieving for an extended period of time is unthinkable. I cannot imagine living my life in the intense pain that grief can bring with it. I know that when Stan lost his partner he lived a life of solitude and meditation for a year. It was difficult for him to take the initial steps back into the type of life that was able to erase the feelings of hopelessness and allow him to walk towards a existence that again was bathed in light. We all will handle grief differently and that is what makes us each so unique. As human being we are not immortal and each and every one of us will one day will face grief again and again and again. We as a group are all different, but the one thing that we have in common is the loss of a husband or wife. We have all had our dreams shattered and our hearts broken. We are all lost and trying to find our way home. I know that this post caused controversy and a mix of emotional responses that all have merit. Each and every one of us has a story to tell and a message to give from the heart. I truly believe that we will all grow as individuals if we let or grief takes us to the path it chooses. I know for myself I just want to be happy. I know that Michael is in a safe and glorious place and wishes for his family to laugh, smile, love and to find a place that feels like home.

Kymberly

I am still new at 6 1/2 months but I see where Stanley is coming from. I think foolish is a harsh word but my feeling is not to spend the rest of my life with the raw, intense pain of grief that hits us in the beginning. I think we do carry our grief throughout our lifetime it just changes to different modes at different times. I agree with Marsha and Maggie that all the losses I have suffered helped to define and prepare me for the next. Not just losses hardships of our life-I refer to them as life's lessons. Wayne is the last of my family, we were all we had, and the most difficult lessons are taught and to be taught to me now, and for now on. I will always grieve for Wayne in some way but I will find myself and be happy and be comforted knowing that is what Wayne wants. Love and Hugs-Jewley

The word foolish is probably a bad choice, but the point was well made by Stan. Your words are beautiful and spoken from the heart. Lovely and wise.

Kymberly