I honestly don't know how to address your friends opinion except by saying that it's different for each of us. I was with my wife for over 40 years, married when I was 19. That's all of my adult life. I can honestly say her loss is something I will never be pain free of. Having said that I know she wouldn't want me to suffer and have the pain I'm living through. Some days are better, some aren't so. I have more better that bad these days. It's been almost 2 years since Donna passed, but I still love and miss her intensely. I do believe I have been given this time for a reason, I just have to find it. I know it was her time and not mine. I also know I will see her again...

God Bless

Jeff

Jeff

The tenderness in your words shows how much you love ed your beautiful wife. You are right each of us handles grief in different ways. God bless you on your road to recovery

Kymberly

Hey Kym,

I always enjoy reading what you write, you just put things so beautifully. They are always so genuine, you're true to yourself and I love that you share that with us. There is always something you say that gives me hope and strength and courage, I appreciate that in you and so many others here at DS.
I love what your friend said...and I love what you said in response to Jeff. Everyone's journey is so different, as everyone is different. We all just have to find that happy medium for ourselves, it seems as though we all take different roads to the same destination. Helping and encouraging and sharing and allowing others to express themselves freely is what is so cathartic about this forum, without which I think I would go mad sometimes. It's so healing for me to get this stuff out, to write, knowing that someone who understands my pain is going to read it and respond in some way.

Thank you for sharing that Kym I did enjoy it, it was thought provoking for me.

Wishing you well and sending HUGS,
Cindy

Recently, I've read in several places that we are not meant to grieve forever. This is contrary to what I've seen in other places. I have a sense that we are not meant to grieve forever. Some of my pain has turned into joy, loss into gain, and fears put to rest.
Time has been a friend for me. It has helped. 16 1/2 months ago he passed away. Before death was imminent, I couldn't imagine living without him. Prior to his death, he was very ill and dependent. I had to learn how to live without him before he passed. In a way, that helped me prepare. His mind was good and his heart was beating.
Things have changed.
The pain isn't as extreme. I've proven to myself that I can live without him. I enjoy family and friends and living life as a single woman. I hope that it's true that grief doesn't last forever.

Loss affects everyone differently. Men grieve differently than women (not something I made up but learned in grief support).

Grief is a life long process; however, some people can return to an active life while others just can't move forward and heal. I've seen it at both ends of the spectrum.

Your friend's opinion is true and he has walked the same journey, but it really isn't his place or anyone else's to determine how long pain should last. Besides, how can we not live in the past? My husband had cancer, he died, I suffered greatly. I will always carry that past, but it doesn't mean that my quality of life is bad. I've learned how to cope with and accept it.

I know people that would find your friend's comment harsh. I also feel there is a lot of truth to it. Grief is hard and dark and in the depths of it, I have felt so distant, separated from Capri, unable to recall the happy, beautiful things we shared. I have come to an understanding of grief. I see it as a process, not a singular place to live for the rest of my life. I've spent a lot of the last 7 months studying my grief thru the lens of the Kubler-Ross 5 stages model. I don't see "acceptance" as the end of grief but just another component of it. Grief is a permanent part of me now. Early on grief had complete control of my life. As my life has progressed I find that it offers me more opportunities to choose. Positive/negative, forward/back, light/darkness. With every passing day, more choices. More and more, it's up to me.
John

I totally understand what your friend is saying. I keep reminding myself that I was truly blessed to have met Art. I know that he would be very upset with me if I let this pain break me down. I will always live back in the past because there are so many wonderful memories of our 30 years together. But I will also look forward and try to make him proud of how I am trying to go on without him by my side, physically. I know he is here spiritually!! The pain will never completely go away as I loved him to the moon and back. However, I pray that the good days will take over the bad days and give me time to learn how to go on. I am so happy I found this site and thank you everybody for sharing. May you find some peace in you day!!! Sue

I think it is a question of balance. I agree with Kymberley's friend - I know it would not honor Cliff if I let his death destroy my life, and I know that is not what Cliff wanted for me (nor I for him had it been the other way round). But at the same time, I also know that I became a widow, I did not enter the Witness Protection Program -- my life story, my history is still mine. It is not separate and apart from Cliff's and did not get buried along with him. I hear what Debbie is saying - she suffered too - it is part of her life story. When it is a shared life, that story belongs to both of you, so it is not like it suddenly disappears for the one that is left behind.

I think we have a tendency to think in stark terms, and to be pushed into thinking in stark, black-and-white, cut-and-dry terms. Life isn't like that, and love sure isn't. My feeling about it is that I had to come to terms with Cliff's death as part of MY story, not just his, and to take the experience of being both his wife and his widow into my future. Our 30 years together are integrated into who I am. It didn't just suddenly evaporate. Also, there is not a giant "X" on our lifelines that says everything before the death cannot be there after the death - others may try to treat us that way, and we often fall into that thinking by being emotionally bullied.

If you only look back you will fall over your feet and bang into things. If you never look back, you have no idea where you're going as you don't know where you've been. I think you have to get to a point where you are able to see both ways, and comfortably. That is part of that whole 'acceptance' thing. It takes different people different amounts of time to get to that point.

I agree you shouldn't live painfully and miserably forever, but I can never jettison my past. In consequence, there will always be some pangs of pain, but there are also many smiles when I remember now. I accept that I was his wife, I accept that I am his widow, and I accept that I have a new life, too. I don't fight with myself about it anymore.

I hope that makes sense.....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I am Morey's woman, I will ALWAYS be Morey's woman. He was MY MAN! He was my husband, my hero, my helpmate. He gave me children and brought me through the death of my parents, my brother and now the death of him. I carry his strength and his weaknesses within me. I ALWAYS will. He was in my life for more than half of my life. He helped me to be the best that I can be. He stood by me and counseled me and loved me.

He will stay at the forefront of my mind and heart until I need him to. I grieve for him ALL THE TIME. It's been 16 months and my grief has only changed in intensity. I'm not wailing my way home from work and I don't wail when I pass the hospital and I don't get goose bumps every time I hear an ambulance or pass a man in a wheel chair.

I'm going to "go" with the ebb and the flow of this thing called "grief!" It's a funny thing....sometimes, I need it and sometimes I hate it. Most times it comes at me when I least expect it. It's a fickle thing, this thing called "grief!"

Some folks don't like me hanging around my grief and they've stopped calling. I miss them but I can't help them. I'm stuck with my fickle friend right now. Maybe I'll see them again. Maybe not. Oh! Well!

I think in the words that he has had several years..his view is different than those new on this road.
New being anything less than 2 years or so. Some more some less, we each handle this in our own time.
That you have this in thought as a possibility this early is good. But we will be here as you move through the different waves of this. Because it's just like that.
Standing in the water of a lake up to your chest, when a wave comes in you are lifted and lose your footing. Then for a bit you can't touch and may not know which way is up? then the wave recedes and you find your footing again and can relax a bit.
Some waves are deeper and last longer, some are fast and are gone in moments. But eventually you learn to ride them, wait them out and not panic.

I took a long road on that, because of other things thatresonated with my loss, but others have started swimming earlier and are fine. We all understand that our lost love will be there in our heart...but our heart still beats on it's own.
That last bit is the thing that is the hardest to feel in the first waves.
Hugs, and welcome. I have been busy swimming , or I would have greeted you before.
Jewells

Do men feel more that way than women. I think so. A good friend who was on this list Marti said something to me once....

Men replace women something something and for us we noticed in our circle it seemed to be. Thus while some men do not this type of saying however well meaning in some ways seems to me reflect MENS thoughts???

That's your friend's opinion, which he's certainly entitled to. I personally find it a little confusing. Everything I've gone through, everyone I've loved, everyone who's not here anymore - it all contributes to who I am today. To put it behind me is pretty impossible, and that's not something I would want to do, anyway. To me, grief has transmuted into loss and missing, and as long as I'm alive, and they're dead, that's not going to change anytime soon, no matter how I live my life - and I am living it. Just my thoughts. Marsha

Marsha, I have to agree with you. Same goes for me. I am defined by everything I have done so far in my life and by those that held my hand along the way. Does grief define me; to some extent. I don't wallow daily in buckets of tears. I don't have time for that. Do I feel that twinge sometimes; yes. It is another reminder of where I have been and without having been staring at that fork in the road, I would not be headed where I am today.

Maggie

Jewells,

Beautifully stated. It does come in waves doesn't it. It's very organic and fluid....some waves are easier to ride, and others toss you around and you don't know which way is up! I can relate.

I am coming up on 12 weeks since I lost my beautiful husband Larry. He was the nicest and best person I have ever known. I miss him very, very much, and am still stunned that I have to go on without him. I have been deep in grief, but am slowly starting to feel more stable. What I've been feeling lately is that when I'm in deep grief and can hardly cope, that Larry would be sad. He wouldn't want me to stay in that space. He was always, always so supportive of me. He would be saying that it was okay to be happy and enjoy life. That's what he would want for me. But, then when I start to feel happy, and I think about how soon it's been since he died, and how he worked his butt off for me to have what I have now, I feel something that might be described as survivors guilt. I'm still trying to find the balance in honoring his memory and what we shared, and trying to find happiness again.

Kymberly, I really admire you. What Cindy said is absolutely right. You are truly an inspiration. You are fortunate that you have a job you love and good family support. I think that makes a big difference in coping with something like this. For those of us that are more isolated, and haven't worked in a while because our spouses supported us, there is a whole level of fear that must be embraced and worked through. In my best moments I have confidence that not only will I work through this and find a good job, but I know it will probably turn out to be a great thing for me to be out in the world productively working again. Hopefully it will turn out to be one of those silver linings that gets spoken of.

Again, a personal journey for us all. How wonderful we have this forum to share our different ways of coping with our common thread that brings us all together.

Lori

I can see what your friend is saying, and it is certainly not required of you to give over each moment of your life to mourning. You HAVE to find the wings to fly once more above the rain clouds, because the sun still shines there. If the position where reversed, ask yourself, how would you want your loved one to live? You must still see all that is good and beautiful and joy in it. It is a tribute to love to appreciate the wonder that is life