Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My husband will have passed a year May 22. Between dating and marriage, we were together a total of 38 years and were each other's lives. We both loved equally and both felt the same as how we would feel and what we would do if the other passed first.
It has been scary, painful, isolating, panicky. But I have made great strides during the past 10 months. I love him just as much as I did when he was alive, and get so tired of people saying that some day a gallant nice man will come along and sweep me off my feet.
I lived home when we married. I have never lived solely on my own. I have found that I am enjoying the company of close female friends immensely. Growing more confident, self-assured and doing what I want, when I want and how I want. I own my home, have a good paying job, and can maintain my expenses on my own.
I would love to spend the rest of my life surrounded by good, close girlfriends. Ones that feel the same as I and will comfort and support me as much as I will them. I want to look back when I am 80 and say, Wow. I had a nice life. Look at all I did on my own. I want to greet my husband with open arms when it is my time to die, knowing that I waited for him and did everything I possibly could before I died.
Is that goal possible? Is it perfectly fine to have a fulfilled life on your own without a male companion? Why do people have to keep bringing the subject up? And, then I get that God knows best and God controls our lives. Don't we have a say in what we do and don't want? Do we have to accept what God hands us if we don't want it?
And I will post one more statement. It is not because my pain is fresh, and it isn't because it is still early because he has only been gone 10 months. This is a deep rooted, sincere feeling I have that has nothing to do with time. It has to do with the relationship I had with my DH and knowing that God broke the mold when he made him.
Just looking for support and input on this.
It has been scary, painful, isolating, panicky. But I have made great strides during the past 10 months. I love him just as much as I did when he was alive, and get so tired of people saying that some day a gallant nice man will come along and sweep me off my feet.
I lived home when we married. I have never lived solely on my own. I have found that I am enjoying the company of close female friends immensely. Growing more confident, self-assured and doing what I want, when I want and how I want. I own my home, have a good paying job, and can maintain my expenses on my own.
I would love to spend the rest of my life surrounded by good, close girlfriends. Ones that feel the same as I and will comfort and support me as much as I will them. I want to look back when I am 80 and say, Wow. I had a nice life. Look at all I did on my own. I want to greet my husband with open arms when it is my time to die, knowing that I waited for him and did everything I possibly could before I died.
Is that goal possible? Is it perfectly fine to have a fulfilled life on your own without a male companion? Why do people have to keep bringing the subject up? And, then I get that God knows best and God controls our lives. Don't we have a say in what we do and don't want? Do we have to accept what God hands us if we don't want it?
And I will post one more statement. It is not because my pain is fresh, and it isn't because it is still early because he has only been gone 10 months. This is a deep rooted, sincere feeling I have that has nothing to do with time. It has to do with the relationship I had with my DH and knowing that God broke the mold when he made him.
Just looking for support and input on this.
I've had several people tell me "Don't worry, you'll find someone else"
& although it was probably intended to mean well, it angered me instead. What makes you think I need a replacement? There isn't one! He was the love of my life. aka: not replaceable!
I don't plan on remarrying, I still feel joined to my husband & if that never changes it will be alright with me. I say follow your heart & just roll your eyes at the people who try to tell you what you want or need. Only you know the answer to that..
Hugs, Cyndi
If your desire is not for a new husband then He will not give you a new husband. If you change your mind at a later date then just pray about it, but just because some or several some one's keep trying to comfort you by saying some one will snap you up my advice would be to not put any stock in it.
Obviously they think your good looking enough that single men will choose you over say someone like me who is not in as good of shape as you from what I can see of your profile picture. I kept on getting: think of Jesus as your husband and stay single that is God's will for your life.
This really caused me to pull my Bible out and study what God really says on the subject and what His will for my life is. Actually God has promised me a new husband and apparently He has corrected this in their heads cause now I am getting different messages from these same ladies who just told me the opposite a few months earlier. So here it is if your curious:
There are several scriptures that are taken out of context and are really populare to quote but the one that is the most popular is the one about Women are to submit to their husbands as Jesus submitted to God the Father and Husbands are to love their wives. Ephesians 5 and Colossians 2
Um actually this is to be an example of how everyone in the congregation is to submit to God irregardless of their marital status since we are all supposed to emulate Christ's submission to the Father. So they have a point their but it does not mean I must think of Jesus as my husband. The scripture in Isiaha that is most often quoted to support that is taken out of context as it was a specific message to a specific people at a specific time in history and any time a scripture passage is written like this it is not to be applied to the masses as a message for everyone. For example Abraham was told to sacrifice his son Jacob. That is a message for a specific person at a specific time in history it is not to be pulled out of context as justification for human sacrifice. I hope you understand the corrilation here. Hope for the Heart Ministries has some great resources on grief and being a widow(er) if you need more information to help you with this.
If your goal is to enjoy life as it is with girl friends and this is also God's will for your life then I don't see a problem with it. Don't be afraid to dig into your Bible for answers and by all means keep asking questions. God is a God of all wisdom and knowledge and will ampily supply all your needs and desires. Seek and you will find, Knock and the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7
and Ecclesiastes 2:26
1 Corinthians 7:7-9 (New International Version)
7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Timothy 5:14
So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander
These two passages seem to oppose each other but I want you to read them carefully. In both of them they elude to the fact that you have free will and to stay single is a choice and to marry again is a choice, your choice. So as long as you are happy with who you are, where you are and what your doing then let what these women are saying to you go in one ear and out the other, politely nod and let it go. They are just trying to be nice and comforting to you. They don't understand that right now you really find it offensive and snapping at them will only make things worse and you may regret what you say later on. Not everything requires an explanation or justification.
I hope this helps.
There is a vast difference in women and men. Women are more emotional and they are givers. They take care of husband and family out of love. Most married men are taken care of. They provide for the family and share in the household duties, etc.
Women and men see and seek sex differently. With women, there is an emotional attachment. With men, there is a desire and craving for the physical act, as long as they are able to perform. Not that there is not love attached, or an interest in the female. But there is a difference with the sexes.
When a wife dies, husbands definitely grieve, but will often seek companionship within a few months. They do not like to be alone, they crave the companionship and physical aspect, and someone to take care and nurture them.
When a husband passes, women definitely grieve also, but since their natural instinct is to be the caregiver, they can take care of themselves, entertain themselves, and find companionship in the company of other women. There is a fulfillment in female relationships. The old saying is that men come and go, but a good girlfriend is there forever.
You are not odd, or rare. You found the love of your life. Your soul mate. My husband, who passed at 62, felt the same way about me. We talked about it over the years. He said he knew that he would not ever find someone who could measure up to me.
I don't believe age has any difference. Yes, younger widows/widowers will get the comments moreso than an older adult (60's on up). But, we have feelings too and we grieve the same way, regardless of age or the amount of years we were with the person. It comes down to the relationship you had together and the depth of your love for one another.
I admire your honesty Sam. Stick to your convictions, your heart and your soul.
Debbie