eyesofbl, I could have written your post word for word. I too have no mortgage and holding on to what we worked for hard for is very important to me. I don't want to take the chance of losing part or half of it to a failed relationship, for there again. No guarantees. I was very fortunate to be with my husband for almost 40 years. I to am very independent.

Denise and loveoflife, I was handed the insulting inquiry and my husband wasn't even gone two months.

I am glad I'm not the only one who cherishes what they lost and am willing to wait until there spouse returns for them. And I'm glad I did post this, for I was initially fearful of also because I wasn't sure what kind of backlashing I might incur.

Thanks everyone. This has been and continues to be very supportive and heartwarming. I'm not a freak after all!

I also feel like you do. My husband Ted was my one and only. We were married for 28 years and together for 31. We had a wonderful marriage and spent all our free time together. I have a small group of close friends that I spend time with and will always be there for me. I will be content to be with my wonderful memories until we are together again. I could not even imagine having to date in this crazy world. So I say you seem like you know what you want and it is perfectly normal. I also thought that more people here at DS were open to finding someone else when the time was right but for me that time will never be right. Take care, Robin

Debbie - NO, you're not wrong to think this way. From when you first posted to this post, I can see the inner strength, and inner woman come out in a big way. I think you're doing great! For me, at 54, with a business and a house, it's a lot different from that 28 year old who married Joe. I've finally found that I take advice from myself, from G-d, when I pray, and from the memories of growing with Joe - only. I love my friends, but it's my life. hugs, Marsha

Again, Debbie, thanks so much for posting this. It feels better knowing I also am not the only one feeling this way. For as much as I hurt and miss Ronnie, I know that as things get better and the hurt lessens, I will be at peace within myself & content with the life I will live - just missing Ronnie physically being here with me, but knowing someday I will be with him again.

Until January of 2010 I felt exactly like your post. I've been alone since June 2007 and was enjoying it for the most part. I had posted several times that if the Lord wanted me to have a male companion He would have to arrange the whole thing because I had no intention of pursuing male companion.

I try to live my life following what I feel the Lord wants me to do. Praying for Him to lead me. Well, on Feb. 4th I went to lunch and the Lord took over. I had lunch with a guy I thought I knew but ended up not knowing. We have grown closer over the past 2 months and I have maintained my independence even with my new friend. This was important to both of us. We get together when we both want and if either has plans with friends, that's fine.

Enjoy your life with your girlfriends. Enjoy your independence. But don't shut all the door, God may have something different in mind. He did for me and I'm glad. Sharon

Debbie: It has been 18 months since I lost my incredible wife (Linda) to brain cancer and I feel that I am so lucky to have found another amazing woman to share my life with. If you read my two journal entries you will undoubtedly see that I have a bias towards encouraging others to be open to the possibility of bonding with another special person. I have been dramatically influenced by the way I bonded with Linda after her first husband died at a young age. While we were bonding we spent a year trying to answer lifes most difficult questions What is the meaning of life? Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? Why am I here? and many more questions. During that year I formed a belief system that seems to have been serving me well and I believe it has led me to a very gratifying place.

I fully realize that my beliefs are just that my personal beliefs and not necessarily the philosophies that will work for anyone else. Having said this I want to share with you several beliefs that have helped me tremendously. While we may have different tendencies when it comes to the issue of companions of the opposite sex I suspect that these beliefs are working for you also.

First we all deserve to be happy and it is important that despite our grief that we all set happiness as our eventual goal. This does not mean that any of us can regain happiness quickly ... it just means that we should accept that happiness should be our eventual goal and we should move towards a happy state of mind.

To be a fully happy person who is growing and able to love and care for others it is very helpful (and usually necessary) to have an intimate relationship with at least one other person. While typically this intimate relationship is usually achieved with someone that we are romantically in love with, it is not necessary that an intimate relationship be formed with a companion of the opposite sex. If we are lucky enough to have an intimate relationship with someone this person becomes the mirror to our soul ... someone who reflects our goodness when we are loving and caring for others in our life and someone who reflects our weaknesses when we are struggling. Without this mirror it is difficult for us to navigate through life with only our own perceptions and instincts to guide us. We need honest and loving feedback to guide us through life.

While a companion of the opposite sex obviously represents someone who can love us, it is more important that we spend time loving and caring for others. True love does not require romantic love our primary mission in life is to love and care for others if we also fall in love with someone that is incredible, but our first priority is to reach out to others to help them grow and develop whether this be our spouse or children or family or friends or the needy.

In reading your comments I sense that you have accepted that you deserve to be happy and that you are well on your way to achieving this goal. I also sense that you probably are developing intimate relationships with other women friends (I am not talking about romantic intimacy). If one or more of these friends can serve as your mirror then you will have someone who can help you grow and develop and love others in your life. You do not need a male companion to achieve fulfillment and happiness.

My final thought is this I would just suggest that you remain open and not set living alone as a goal. I suspect that you dont really mean it when you say that you want to live alone. I suspect that what you are saying is that you can be happy and that you can have intimate relationships without having to live with someone. While I agree this can be achieved it just seems healthier and more flexible to keep your options open. I would encourage you to be open to life open to love open to change open to the unexpected.

I hope this helps and that it is not too preachy . Tom

I would have to say that it is perfectly acceptable to God if you decide to remain single. I remember the Apostle Paul saying something about it being a good thing if it is something that you can pull off. Not all people are wired that way and find it hard not to be married. I do think we are given some say in the matter. I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting to stay single. I am not looking for a new spouse either and think , right now anyway, that I am going to be the happiest as I am right now. I think my life can be very satisfying and uncomplicated by staying single.

Debbie,

Canned remarks from well-meaning friends and family are hard to deal with when you are the one with the conviction. No doubt they care and want to help you. No one can know what you're feeling, and only you can know what brings you peace and contentment. Follow your convictions.

Almost five years without hubby has shown me a lot about myself. Some things I have embraced, other things I have tossed; then some things I bring back. It's all so confusing at times, but, hey, this is a process. For me, I have learned to 'never say never,' as I often end up eating crow. Not a tasty delicacy! It has been humbling on this up-and-down journey.

How nice that we have the option to realistically turn something over in our hearts and minds to see possibilities. It sounds as though you are in a place in your life that brings you fulfillment and satisfaction. Many have sought to possess those inner qualities with little or no success. It's gratifying to know that you have reached that point in your journey. Blessings to you. TJ

Simply, "no it is not wrong." Your life is yours and what makes one person happy may or may not make the next person happy. Why do you have to defend yourself and your choices and why do others push their beliefs on you? What possibly would you have to gain by living your life true to someone elses beliefs and goals?

As I explained before, I am a whole person now...even as I miss my husband so. I do not miss having "a man" in my life....I miss my husband!!

I do not know what life will look like five years down the road, but I know that I will be just as much a woman without a man as I was with one.

It sounds like you too have a very strong sense of yourself. That is a gift.

Many hugs to you.
-Diana

I still say WOW! Didn't expect this post to get so much attention. Smiled at Diana's comment regarding being just as much a woman without a man as she was with one. And yes, Diana, I too "miss my husband". Not companionship, not love, not intimacy. I miss everything with my husband.

I want to take this time now to explore the world, take advantage of travel opportunities, see just how much I can do on my own, and help others. My deepest love for my husband carries me through the days, and I am a firm believer in our Lord. However, I talk to the Lord and explain to him how I feel, what I want, and what direction I want to go in.

I lived a good life of 38 years with my partner, learned a lot about life from him and will always feel blessed for having that time. However, now, it is my time. Time to be me, doing what I want when I want on my terms.

I wish everyone the best that life can give them, because we have been through hell. And I am grateful that this site was created, even though I don't visit often.

Keep the postings coming. It is refreshing. - Debbie

I think another reason we all have been hit with the "you'll find someone else" comment is the majority of us here lost our spouses fairly young. I don't think anyone said such a thing to my mom when she lost my dad, but then Momma was a whole lot older when she lost Daddy. I was widowed at 50 - not in my 70's. It scares people because they then have to confront thinking about what if it happened to them so soon. In my work circle, I knew probably 200 women fairly well, and only 2 of us were widows. Nobody really knew what to do with either one of us, and I think our situations scared the hell out of everyone around us. I think it was a way of shutting their eyes to the possibility they would ever be alone. It was their issue, not mine.

I try to support my friends in making healthy choices that bring them happiness and contentment - whether that includes a romantic partner or not. I don't care which choice they make - I only care if they are happy and fulfilled and at peace in their lives. I hate to see friends suffer. But that does not mean I try to foist my lifestyle on anybody - I respect my friends as individuals - I don't think everybody has to be "just like me."

Me, I like being loved, I like the company of a man, and for me "love is so much sweeter the second time around" as the song says. I was not in hot pursuit of another relationship - it was just one of those wonderful surprises one occasionally gets in life. I had put the issue of whether or not to have another relationship aside. It developed naturally, and it is what feels right for me.

I don't fault anyone for being alone or for being with someone. I am happy for my friends when they are happy - single or not. And I hope they are equally happy for me.

The whole thing about meeting up again with our dead spouses in heaven is a religious issue, subject to individual faith and belief. You won't find complete agreement on how to handle that issue either, so I won't even go there. Individual choices again...

I learned a long time ago to follow my heart and my gut instincts when it came to what was important to me. I don't fold under peer pressure about things I care about. Life would be very unsatisfying if I lived my life according to someone else's idea of what it should look like.

I am happy, content, and at peace, and I hope everyone makes it to that point - whichever way you decide to go.

Love and Hugs, Martha

Hi Martha--I don't want to change the topic of this thread, but I have to share a story with you all regarding meeting our spouses in heaven.

When my mother was in transition to pass, my sister and I witnessed my father returning for her. Since they have both been gone, my sister has seen them a few times, the last she held a conversation with the both of them.

If that brings anyone reassurance, proof, or comfort, I'm happy to have shared it with you. For my sister and I, it isn't a religious belief for we have first-hand testimony.

Debbie, interesting story about your mother and your father returning for her. Thanks for sharing that! It reminds me of my husband's mother who told us she "saw" her late husband a couple of times, telling her "Alice, it's time", and then she died a few days later. I kind of envision that happening with Stan and me. Very comforting thought. laurabp

Debbie and Laura, thank you both for sharing your stories about your parents and in- laws greeting them. I have heard a few stories like this in the past 2 years. It gives me comfort and hope that one day my husband will be there to greet me and take me home with him.

My husband isn't going to be walking to greet me. He is going to be running as fast as he can. And he can run too.