Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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maryelnew 06/11/2015

people equate their grief over divorce with your grief over widowhood? Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the pain of divorce is any easier (depending on t e situation) but I want people to acknowledge they are different. I have noticed the people I know who are widowed do not assume they know completely what thejr divorced friends/family go through. Both very painful, both in many cases involve losing what you thought would go on forever, both creating a need to start over - but not the same. Is it just me? Am I going to heck in the proverbial handbasket?

Even a comment like " I know it's not the same, but I felt like....when I
went through my divorce" would make it feel better. It's the assumption they are the same that I do not care for. In some ways, I think divorce may be more painful and in others less painful, so I don't think they are the same. Is this just me?

gailarmstrong 06/11/2015

Although I have never been divorced myself I do understand that it must be terribly painful but in no way could it be compared to your life partner dying from a terminal illness or being killed in a terrible accident. At least their ex-husbands are still alive and their children still have their fathers. What a ridiculous comparison and what a stupid thing for someone to say to a widow. I have experienced loss in my life many times but losing my husband last year to pancreatic cancer has nearly killed me.

vicini11 06/11/2015

Actually I have been through both. Not even close. There is a reason that divorces happen. Does not compare to losing the love of your life. I had a friend tell me he knew what I was going through because his wife left him for another woman. What an asshat.

statsmaster 06/12/2015

Concur, divorces suck at the time but was the best thing that ever happened to me 36 years ago. That being the case, loss of a spouse is far greater on the emotional ricter scale but, one can and will move on after either or both events have been experienced and can have a great and fufilling life. Best to all and as Saturday Night Live Mike Meyers says:

"Party on Garth"!

We can and will pick up the pieces and morf into new and stronger individuals. Peace to all!

Dewman

joannklingaman 06/12/2015

Even though I have never been divorced & married to my love 38yrs, to me there is not comparison. Divorce tough & painful, but the person is still on this earth & one can at least call - email- text-facebook- write a letter & I think you get what I mean...... Once their gone.... that's it
and it's the worst feeling ..... Your life changes forever !!!!

barbarame 06/12/2015

apples cannot be compared with oranges.....

lori001 06/12/2015

Thank you for bringing this up!!! This happened recently to me and I was shocked! It was actually an acquaintance who is a doctor, and he told me he thought that the divorce he went through had to be even harder than me losing my husband!!!! I've heard it all. "I know what your feeling because I lost my brother, grandmother, mother, father". I've had to stand there and listen to everyone else's stories of loss when they came over to me to give condolence's. No one gets it except other widows/widowers!!!! That is the number one reason why your address book changes after you lose a spouse. Thank you again for bringing this topic up. I've thought about posting about it myself.

Shrn 06/12/2015

A very close friend was divorced by her husband leaving her. She was devastated by his choice and suffered long and hard by his decision. She never said that it was the same as having him die, but she felt that his decision was extremely hard to deal with.
In the early days of my loss I truly believed the loss from death was far worse than the loss she suffered. In the fullness of time, I no longer compare them to each other, but see them as both very difficult beyond belief.
I have come to understand that learning of our loss, brings their life experiences to their mind and the sadness they endured. Perhaps they share their pain in support of ours. Just a different perspective. Sharon

lori001 06/12/2015

Thanks for your gentle words of wisdom Sharon. I always appreciate your perspective.
~Lori

michaelbmanning 06/12/2015

My sister is 28 and going through her third divorce...no kids. She gets divorced because she is a bum magnet and does not understand the meaning of finding a good guy. I have no sympathy for her, and yet she may go through many more if this is her life pattern. In turn, she does not understand my widowhood. I have divoeced friends and they seem to have moved on with their lives in ways I can not. So there you go.
Maggie

loveddogs 06/12/2015

Yeah, Had an ex-friend tell me after she heard my husband passed that she had lost her dog in this past year and couldn't believe how sad she had been !!!! I know losing a pet is hard. We had three pass this last year, one while my husband was in the hospital this last time. What the h**l is wrong with these people??

kkg17 06/12/2015

Divorce is a choice and negotiation...Death is not a choice and there is no negotiation!
You can be mad at an a**hole who leaves his/her spouse but you cannot be mad at a person who died...it was not their choice to get sick or be accidentally killed.

marjoe 06/12/2015

I gotta say, I agree with Sharon, but it took years to get to this point. I've come to see that when people bring up their own losses (whether it's divorce, a cancer scare, etc) - I used to think to myself, yeah, but they're not dead, you have no idea.....Well, maybe not, but I think now that people bring up these comparisons sometimes to show their empathy, because in their life experiences, that's what's important to them. No, there's no comparison. I get that. But as misguided as it can be, they're trying. I get that, too. Marsha

dschwartz 06/12/2015

No comparison, but they do have their own inherent challenges. They both suck, period. Not sure which is worse . .. nor do we need to challenge another w/ differing grief. Pain is pain, grief is grief. Again, albeit differing . . we all need and deserve our own space to grieve in our own way. Again, no comparisons . . . is golden.

Hugs, D

deleted_user 06/12/2015

I was never divorced. Believe me, although I adored Morey and I know he loved me.....there were times when I didn't think we could last another day!!! And, I would have been very happy to let him go!

After much discussion and the realization that we were madly in love, we fought very hard for our relationship. It was work....damn hard work!

I know I would have been devastated at the loss of him through divorce but I would have know that he was still living, breathing and our children would see him.

To know that someone is gone.....mind/body/spiritually gone.....is overwhelmingly sad and too much to bear at times.

Roz

Nicker07 06/12/2015

To Loveddogs comment what is wrong with these people

No truly knows either side without going through it. We truly need classes in these feelings of grief
Grief of never ever seeing someone I am sure is well worse than saying goodbye to a bad relationship

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