Hello, Pam, and welcome to "The Club Nobody Wants To Belong To"...here you will be embraced by the prayers and love of many folks who share the agony you are dealing with now.
My Beloved Marylou passed into Spirit 9-1/2 months ago, and I have been on here, DS, since about February 10th...believe me, there is comfort in sharing.
I have seen with my own eyes since I've been on here, that most people who have "lost" a spouse, if not all, experience feelings of guilt in the early months after a passing...they somehow feel that all of it was their fault, that there was SOMETHING they could have done, but failed to do, to prevent it from happening...and that includes me.
But over time we begin to get used to the reality that there was NOTHING we could have done, and that we are not responsible...most of us believe in some form of Intelligent Design in the Universe, and that it was just their time to pass into Spirit...it was in the stars, and there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it.
I can say with some confidence that you are wrong to take the guilt upon yourself, but only time can truly bring about a healing from that.
The Compassion and Love of the folks here at DS will help that greatly...Again, Welcome.

Hi Pam, I truly am sorry for your loss and the whirlwind you have been in these past several months. My Juanita received her terminal diagnosis of pancreatic cancer a year ago in January. Four months later, she was dead. She also stayed at home but chose not to have any outside assistance. Just me and her, but mainly just her. You are in shock right now, it is a defense mechanism to protect you from the pain. Take care of what you must, lean on friends and family -- don't be shy to accept any and all help right now. Remember to take care of yourself. You must eat, you must sleep, and you must drink lots and lots of water because the tears and grief will dehydrate you. And believe it or not, you won't want to do any of these things. We are all here to help each other through the worst thing that ever happened to any of us. Read lots to educate yourself, write when you are able to vent your emotions. You will be okay with lots and lots of time. For now, just take it minute by minute. May God bless and comfort you in this your time of need. A big hug to you. ~~~ Scottie

Hi Pam I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my Tom 14 months ago. He was in the hospital and also did not have an easy death. He was in a coma for about a week. I too was devastated , but was glad that he wasn't suffering any more. Please do not feel guilty, we don't have any control over life and death. I'm sure your husband wouldn't want you to feel that way. God Bless

Hey Pam or neighbor. I'm from Alabama..
My wife went home with the Lord in August last summer. Left for work that morning and returned about 5 hours later and she was in our bed gone. No sign of being sick or feeling bad. I kissed her goodbye when I left as usual. I beat myself up for a long time that only if I had stayed home like I was going to or returned earlier maybe I could have prevented whatever happened. But I finally realized that we can't be with them around the clock everyday nor they could with us. So I had to accept this was part of living. It is the most painful, hardest thing I have ever been thru and those earlier days then I couldn't see past the minute I was in, didn't want to. It's been seven months now and it is still hard but there are more moments of clarity where I can see better. My wife and I relied heavily on our faith so I am in constant prayer to get thru each day. We have to accept there are more things than not that we just can't control. Please take care of yourself and only take on what you feel like you can, the rest will wait. I will keep you and all of us in my prayers.
Peace, Tim

It is a huge loss and at times painful...We are all here for reasons we wish that we could erase...I am almost 13 months and it still feels like yesterday...It does at times get easier but it takes time...come here often there is always a friendly word or just someone to talk to...I am here more often now as I have come to realize no one knows the feelings we have better than each other...Never feel guilty it was not your fault...it is no ones fault...Hugs to you....

Hi Pam, my husband died 2/5/13 just four months after diagnosis of liver and throat cancer. We spent much of those 4 months traveling back and forth for radiation and chemo. He ended up in the hospital with complications that rapidly got worse. He asked to go home. Hospice was called in and Don died just couple hours after returning home. Yes, I had feelings of guilt for a while. I had worked for many years as a nurses aide and felt like I should have been able to prevent some of the medical mistakes that were made.
Pam, it is natural that you are in shock and feeling devastated. Reach out to us here when you can. This site has been so very helpful to me. I also received help thru the hospice. Hospice held support meetings and classes on grieving. Check with your Hospice. Mine recommended I wait a while but I went just one month after.

Dear Pam - I am so sorry. My husband just died at home from cancer as well. No matter how carefully we researched things, no matter how carefully we questioned the doctors/nurses, there were still things we would have done differently.

We did the best we could every step of the way with what we knew and what we could figure out. Yes there are things we would have done differently if we could have had a do-over, but at the end of the day, sometimes you just have to say "we did our best".

I found it so hard to not KNOW the right answers. To not know how best to help my husband be as comfortable as possible, as pain free as possible. I found it hard to not know how to shift from helping him stay as alive and as healthy as possible to how to help him die with as much comfort and peace as possible.

It is a rough transition and there is not a do-over available.

My husband went into abrupt liver failure and the medics didn't catch it initially and it was pretty rough for a while. I am so sorry for your pain. I wished I had died instead of my husband.

It is impossibly difficult when someone you love is hurting. I am so sorry. In the meantime, please please take care of yourself. Let folks bring you food. Let folks distract you with their caring. Let yourself sleep when you are tired. Please protect the health of your body while your heart and soul are recovering from this.

Be kind to yourself, please.

Pam, I am sorry your sweet husband passed away. All I can say, is take your time, breathe, grieve, feel, talk, vent, and just do whatever you can to feel however you want to feel. Its devastating, and you will not remember alot, of the time right after your husband passed. You are perfect in how you feel, and try to get a bit of sleep, and make sure you eat and drink plenty of fluiids. Thats where i messed up, lost alot of weight after my husband passed away. Much love and big hugs carla

Oh I am so touched by all of the replies. You are wonderful people. All the kind words and advice. Thank you all so very much. This makes me start to feel not so all alone.

Oh welcome here, dearest Pam. I am so very, very sorry.

This is the place you should be. We know...we have lost our partners too. No one else can understand like we do.

There is so much to read, so much wisdom. You won't feel alone here.

Sending big hugs...

MysticDay

Pam

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that we are all here for you. Share as much or as little as you want or need too. I lost my husband in Oct of 2014 and it still hurts as much as the day he was taken from me. I have gotten a lot of help and compassion from DS and would never go anywhere else to share my pain. Try to take care of yourself and come here often

Hugs
Lisa

I am so very sorry Pam. I wish you didn't have to join us but the support you will find here is unbelievable.
Ruth

Hello, Pam ...

I'd like to add my condolences to those already posted here. I believe you have come to the right place. I know that the friends I've made here have always been ready to listen and to share. They provided compassion and comfort to me when I needed it most. Please come back often; the door is always open and there's always someone you can lean on.

Wishing you peace ...

Hello Pam. My condolences to you. Sorry for the lost of your husband. My husband died of lung cancer. He was diagnose in late, august. went to 5 k treatments ,took a 2 week break , then died 10 days later. I too watched him died. He was kept drugged for most of the last days. He let go when I assured him I would be ok. And like you . i went thru the hard shock. He died 5 months ago. there are days when its easier to breath and live, and days where i can not find any energy or life. At 5 months I'm still struggling . He's always in the back of my mind in everything. So sorry you are this path. But you are in the right place. Some of the most wonderful, sensitive and loving folks here on this site. I don't often blog, but i do read. And take some of the advice when given. Cry with them too. You will find a special bond with many here. If it weren't for them, i know i would have been lost. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
meggyk.