funny.. I did the same thing. Everyone thinks because a certain amount of time has passed that we should be "ok".. we weren't and sounds like you were the same. It hurts soo bad not to have him here making memories with us. my kids were a MESS!!! I honestly don't expect it to be any different from here on out... I think we just have to find a way to deal. I wish I could come to jersey and give you big hugs!!!

I have to remember that I'm not a mind reader, but I surmise in my mind that others are making comments because I choose to remain as I am. "Oh poor dear, why does she live in that house all by herself?"

It is often the fear of the unknown that sneaks up and bites you in the fanny.

Dear jerseydebbie,
I started to comment earlier and then deleted what I had typed because I felt I didn't have anything 'positive' to add. Like you, I am struggling with this holiday season (it's my second one without my DH). It was much worse this year than it was the first Christmas season without him. I'm relieved that Christmas is over but now dread New Years.

I have this overwhelming yearning for everything WE had together, and that is no more. I force myself to take steps forward, but find little joy in anything. In addition, my Mother is on hospice and that is another emotional strain. I seem to be in a perpetual waiting mode and I don't know what I'm waiting for. I suspect that I'm waiting for the 'storm' to pass, and the next one to come.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. However, I am sending you a warm (((HUG))) and want you to know that I UNDERSTAND. We're back to one step, one hour, or one day at a time aren't we? We just have to hang in there until this passes and we can get back up and moving again.

Wishing you peace and comfort,
Judy

My aunt gave me a note with her sympathy card that talks about the other side of grief.... on how to deal with memories, how to cope with the missing of your loved one.... in it, it suggests doing something special in the memory of the loved one who passed... donate? volunteer? start an event? Whatever YOU feel fits your memories. Turn that loss into a whole lot of love that you can give, and in the process receive that love in return and begin healing. {{HUGS}}

Debbie, If you don't mind I would like tobe brutually honest about your choice to remain alone.
First, It is YOUR choice and not to be second guessed by anyone. So put the feeling out of your mind. Stop second guessing yourself! If you are happy then proclaim it to the roof tops and be proud of the way you have walked, stumbled, and started over again. I think a lot more damage can be done by running into another relationship than by finding your own place in life. You are walking through the rest of your life with charactor and truth in what is best for you.

As for this Christmas, it was hard for me too. I am with someone, as you know. It wasn't a hastey decision, but it was a right one for me. Being with someone new does NOT cure grief. It can complicate it if you aren't careful. I had a terrible Christmas, ending up being diagnosed with pneumonia. I feel like crap and it's an effort to even breathe.

I will always be here if you need a listening ear, but I can't say it enough. You are fine, and we both know it. Sharon

Hi Debbie...I have to second Sharon's thoughts...I too am in a wonderful new loving relationship for the past 8 months. yet, I found myself coming home from church on the 23 and just crying as I thought about all the things "we" used to do together and the happy times "we" had as a couple and with "our" son...and then my "friend" said he would try to take away the pain and then changed his words and said "no, it's too precious" those thoughts and feelings of love. As we all know when you love deeply, you will grieve deeply...even 4 years out. This is my 3rd Christmas without Mike and in some aspects it was more emotional...
But I want to encourage you NOT to close yourself off to love...whether it is manifested in helping others, yourself, your family or maybe another person....it truly is all about love!
Blessings to you my friend as you continue to live ! hugs, jill

Hell, yes. Not Christmas so much, but my wedding anniversary aka New Year's Day is looming. You know what, Debbie? I don't care if it's 3 months, 3 years or 30 years - the heart wants, and the heart yearns. And misses our loved ones. There are simply those times when the yearning and missing happens, and the tears come. And no matter what happens in my life now, or in the future, it makes no difference.

I know what you mean. This is the second without my DH. Last year it was like just going through the motion and letting others leading me as what to do. This year I did as I wanted or did not want to do. I miss him so and always will. A widower told me that a therapist told him that it is something that the brain can't hardly accept. I believe that.

My 4th too and I feel just like you. I miss him and I feel so empty and scared. So hard to describe. Feels like fear and sadness together and it hurts. I can't get used to not having him here and want those times back so much.

I think I have said this somewhere on here before but I hope I'm not being too repetitive. I lost my Dad back in 1985 and he and I were very close. I was devastated. I thought it was the greatest tragedy I had ever experienced and it was until this past September when I lost my wife of 40 years. I believe the loss of a spouse or significant other is 1000 times harder. I believe it is because you become soul mates. I see this term a lot on here and I believe it is true. You can't give total and complete love to someone and not be connected forever. That's why the loss is so great. Two do become one completely. When one leaves us we aren't one anymore. We are ripped in half. I know it's a wound that will probably never heal for me.

Take care

P.S.

To Jillieg, my heart is not closed off to love completely. It is hard to explain, for I often feel that someone just won't get it. My DH was more than a DH, fiance or boyfriend. Can't explain the connection we have/had. The closest I can get is having your parents, losing them, and knowing nor looking for a replacement.

I fully express love to my family, friends, coworkers, and my cat. That is what I enjoy now. However, I know there is only one person I wanted and still want to spend my life with, and I cannot have him.

Sharon: Thanks so much for your brutally honest words. I too, as many have picked up on, am brutally honest, and you may not believe this, but I have not felt alone nor lonely since DH passed. I don't believe in sugar coating. But I don't think I'm going to make an A _ _ of myself and openly proclaim it to the world. Anymore, the strength is there that it is my personal business. Where the problem came from? After my DH died, people around me and yes, even those on this site, made me feel like it was something I had to do, and it was going to happen, period. Whether or not you wanted it. One of the stupid phrases, "God has a plan." Look, God's plan is for us to love others as we love ourself. Help the needy, the starving, the poor. God gave us free will and choice. He is not the dictator with an iron thumb, and we are not his puppets. I know I'm getting carried away, and sorry, but the brutal honesty is flowing out once more. God protects the widows/widowers in addition to everyone else. What happens in their life is either by their decision, or the decision of another. Whatever we decide in life we must suffer the consequences, if there are any.

I'm sure you all will nod in agreement, remembering those early, vulnerable days, where you didn't know anything. Who you were, what you were going to do now. Emotions and feelings were nothing more than a jumbled mess. The only thing we could feel is pain.

Well-meaning people should save the crap that "you are young. You have a lot of years left", "That's what your husband would want for you", "God has a plan for you, or it is God's will", "Did you remarry?", "Are you seeing anyone?", "Are you dating? No? Why not? You are just too pretty to spend the rest of your life alone." Please outside idiots of the world, stop your insanity. Or, think before you speak.

P.S. again --

Sorry for the novel. I got carried away.

Dear Debbie,
I too am satisfied with my life as it is. Just me and the dog. I have friends and relatives who divert me from too much solitude. I have always been happy alone. I did indeed adore my beloved husband. It is his company that I miss. Oddly I too do not feel alone.
This is the 3rd Christmas.. I said yes to nearly all the invitations. Didn't mean much either way. So sad to be without my Graham. Nice to see kind and happy friends.
You are the only one who will know what is in your heart and mind.
Grace and love, Fern

This was my 3rd Christmas and I desperately missed Bill.

Our holiday was complicated by my daughter's great anxiety - (her son has Aspergers and this has been a hot, sensitive topic all over the news etc after the shooting in Conn).
SHE NEEDED HER DADDY to wrap his arms around her and say "It'll
be okay.:"
I NEEDED HIM to do the same thing for me

It was when they all left............I wanted to lean into Bill's strong arms to shed my tears. I cried alone.

However, one thing I know:
GRATITUDE IS STRENGTH.
Anxiety sucks our lives away

So, when the fears and anguish and lonliness get really bad, the best place to find comfort is .........gratitude.

I'm feeling that same tale spin myself today. I can't get him off my mind and I keep crying. This was my 2nd Christmas without him, it just seems to get worse instead of better. I don't think I can go on 2 more years like this.
All I want to do is go to bed and stay there.