Hi there join the club I'm new as well, lost my ed Dec 28/16 and we only just moved house new area as we were coming up to retirement I'm retired now, so realy lost find some comfort in the church, where I can let it out, be careful about people there see that you are vulnerable and an easy target, I know get some weird emails from women, just ignore them soon go away, I don't know when it will be the right time just see what's round the corner, ed will guide me I know take care Micky.

I know how you feel. Although my husband passed just 3 months ago, I could never get that close to another. He is my one true love, he will always have my heart.

Never let anyone make you doubt your instincts even when your instincts tell you to go the opposite way everyone else would. I have had so many people try to give me well meaning advice and had I followed it I would have been in the same boat; na worse then them considering I am a widow. But after listening and observing their lives I know God was showing me why their advice was not to be taken. I didn't say anything to them or rub their faces in the fact that what I chose was best for me and my family. I did have to draw my boundaries with a few that got nasty about me not following their advice, and I had to deal with some who refused to help me out when I did things my way and initially it didn't seem to work out but in the long run it was still way better than doing what they wanted me to do. So sucking it up and taking responsibility for my actions has been really hard at times. Satisfaction that I did the right thing does leave a person feeling alone because those that would be showering you with solice for being in the same boat can not relate, or empathize. They feel like you rejected them and so it is rare that you find someone mature enough that they look past their hurt and just choose to continue to love you through your personal storm. If the man who was interested in you truly had your best interest at heart would still be around waiting patiently and being ok with whatever companionship you were able to give no strings attached that would be one thing, but If there are strings attached it's not about you it's about him, and that is not love that is infatuation. That is about instantly gratifying his needs at your expense. And he is not entitled to any gratification just because he is a "good man" showing interest. In our grief we often times feel alone. Feelings are very contrary though. You can read a sad story and your feelings can be manipulated into crying. Doubt me? Ever cry while watching a movie? One minute you're fine the next minute you're balling, blowing your nose and drying your eyes. So realize that feelings can be lead and chosen. No one else is responsible for making you happy. Happiness is a choice not always easy but doable. We control it by controlling our thoughts. If we dwell on why me, why him, why now we will many times come up empty handed. Know the why doesn't change our circumstances. It only leads to more what ifs. What if I had... false guilt and self condemnation. Again you may not have been able to change the outcome. I know there have been times in my life when I did everything right and the outcome was unfazed. So stop beating yourself up. Stop beating others up. Choose to forgive. Choose to think about good times, good deeds, the good character of God. It's ok to pour your heart out to God. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened for you. When I count my blessings and remember God's good character and ask God to hold me and comfort me He never fails to do so. It has only been because of this love He has for me that has strengthened me to see for the first time in my entire life that I am loved. I am appreciated. I am valuable. It is this understanding that has seen me past self deprecating activities like internet sex with total strangers because I confused sexual gratification with I am still attractive enough to someone where I can turn him on. Truth is that is not love, and that is not appropriate attraction because they actually value you, that is just sex through convenience, that is not love and it is not satisfying for a widow or widower. It leaves you wanting more. It leaves you unable to say no because the pressure release and ability to think clearly after is so addictive albeit temporary like any drug fix. But the fall out is you feel twice as alone after because the relationship is not real and you end up grieving twice as hard because it only serves to remind you that the one person who truly loved you is no longer there and you are powerless to change that. There will never be anyone like our spouse ever again. We are all one of akinds. The best we can do is concentrate on being content with who we are as individuals, and choosing to be happy and create happiness around us as often as possible, and hope for the best. We are not guaranteed to find another person to spend the rest of our lives with. The most we can do is take one step at a time. One day at a time. I hope this helps. I am not perfect at this. Sometimes I feel like a whole years worth of woes gang up on me all at once and I get very depressed. Doubt me? Just read some of my recent journal entries. It's been 10 years for me and I finally found a Christian grief share group to attend in my area. I felt I needed to start going again because I felt so loansome. I am now an emptinester in a new area of town with no family. I have also lost my job. I am very worried because apparently I do not qualify for unemployment. I am literally one month away from being homeless if God does not provide. Sharing with you what had helped me and continues to help me get by has helped remind me where my strength comes from. I don't know you. I run the risk of you being an atheist and think I am really stupid. All I know is if my parents had been this close to God their whole lives and had taught me some of the things I have learned the hard way my life would have been so much different. But just because things happened the way they did doesn't mean I have to continue to act stupid. Now that I know and understand I am fearfully and wonderfully made I don't have feel like I have to settle or compromise to be loved. I am worthy of someone who is willing to control himself and treat me like a jewel while I get to know him no strings attached. I am worthy of being convinced he has my best interest at heart and I am safe and secure in his arms without gratifying his sexual needs. Because he realizes if he is going to be considered worthy of such deep long lasting love and commitment in good times and in bad till death do us part then he has to demonstrate that is what he is willing to give as well. I may have to kiss a bunch of frogs that doesn't mean I have to fuck'm. And neither do you to be found worthy or loved. There are other things you can do to not feel alone. Remember feels can be lead and created. A person can be married and still feel alone. Don't feel like you have to compromise to be happy.

Ms. Jody, I'm Scott. Pleased to make your acquaintance. You made the right decision to back off from a man who smothers you early on, unless of course he's a grieving widower :) Believe me, I've smothered my fair share, I can speak only for myself and my life experiences, but somewhere along the way some men picked up this strange notion that grieving women need them. And non-widowed women can become very jealous when their husbands start doing innocent favors for a neighbor widow, like mowing her lawn or taking out the trash. Not fair at all. But just be aware that attitude and prejudice is out there. Now a male friend that will listen and not judge is a find. And I so agree with what the other ladies said, If he can't wait and wants to pressure you for more, time to move on. You are only beginning to enter into a very vulnerable state. I've been there. Got a bulls eye on my back for scammers, but even they turn and run when I start to smother them! Give it time. Life has a way of bringing the good to all of us. Another unscientific observation I have is that women need much more time to grieve the loss of their true love than men. I think it's because you've got more tender hearts than us guys. And it is not unusual for some women to never again marry after losing the love of their life. Just always follow the peace in your heart. No rights. No wrongs in any of this. The other problem that all of us run into is that few out there can understand or comprehend what it's like to lose our spouse to death. It is beyond the ability of most because they have no experience with anything even remotely related to what each of us have gone through. I've dated two widows, and they got it. I shudder when I hear one of my dates tell me how she understands because she went through a divorce. But I just have to smile because I know that divorce is rough enough, and there is a type of grieving that happens. But they can always pick up the phone and talk to their ex (or yell at him, depending on whether or not the dust has settled.) We can't do that. Feelings have no logic, no rhyme or reason, and for whatever reason they tend to control us for a time in this grief. What works for some, won't work for others. You've got to find your own way, as do we all. After all, it is your heart that is broken. No one else's. ~~~ Scottie

Each one of you are such a blessing. Thank you for sharing from your experiences. I never in a million years would have thought he wouldn't grow old with me. My faith in God has been the only thing that has helped me not just fall apart and just quit. But the bills still had to be paid, the kids still needed mom. I had to press on. You all are such an encouragement. If and when the time comes for me to be with someone else, I'm not settling for less than an understanding and caring friend first, and grow from there. I'm very happy to meet you all. Grateful for your responses, each one of you. God bless and again, thank you.

We each grieve in our own way, in our own time..
Little steps....

Alone, yes. It's been 3&1/2 years for me, some days are not as bad as others.
Crying comes, let it. There are triggers but in time we know how to handle them. Comments, well meaning, but until someone has walked in our shoes they don't know what we have experienced.

It takes time...
Life is a changing journey now intertwined with grief.
"Our greatest comfort in sorrow is to know that He is in control".
jdp

Same!

I told my pastor the other day that's just too painful to be in church sometimes. For me the whole family aspect is just too painful to be around. There has been a few parenting workshops at church so I haven't been in a few weeks.
I too thought I could just date and everything would fall in place but not so. Turns out I am not bouncing back so well. When they start talking seriously I freak out and run, not sure why so I am feeling as though I am going two ways at once, thanks for sharing.

Oh dear Jodie. Of course this man made you feel uncomfortable. You lost your love not so long ago. I'm going into my 4th year without my husband and it has been such a struggle. I am learning very slowly to be on my own and to heal from this terrible loss. Maybe one day I will meet a man I want to be with but the bar is set very high. I also am leaning on the Lord to comfort me and through this pain I find myself becoming closer to Him. My faith and my church family is what has got me through.