Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Death & Dying
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I know better

shaneslove
shaneslove
So, a "friend" of my husband's has been trying to manipulate. Up to this point, I have blown it off and tried to be civil, but I am NOT feeling very civil lately.
First, this person had tried to tell me that Shane had a conversation with them where he supposedly told them he wanted them to take care of me if anything happened to him. I call bullshit. He had only been friends with this person for a few years... I know my husband... he would NEVER have had that conversation with anyone, let alone a friend of about 3 years. Shane never thought anything was going to happen to him... He never had this conversation.

Now, this person tried to tell me that Shane has "came to them" and told them that they need to lay with me so that I can sleep. First and foremost, Shane would know that this would NOT relax me. I have issues with being touched. I have only ever been comfortable with Shane or the kids/grandbabies being in my "personal space". But perhaps more obvious, is that Shane was extremely possessive. There is no way he would want anyone to "lay with me".

I know that this person is manipulating me... which in itself makes me angry. But the fact that they are using Shane's death to do so makes me furious enough to explode.
I am ready to rip this person apart... I tried to politely say that the things he is saying do not sound anything like the man I knew for 23 years... but he keeps pushing. Apparently trying to imply that he knew Shane better than I did. Any advice on how to deal with this and NOT wind up in jail... because everything in me wants to beat the crap out of this loser.
wendimac
wendimac
Sometimes, you can't be polite about these things...this person sounds like a real bastard...I don't mean to sound crass...but honestly, I would tell him to fuck off...(unfortunately, that phrase comes a little too easily for me...especially these days)...sometimes, you just need to get right to the point...that said, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this kind of bs at all, but especially right now...
wendimac
wendimac
And if he keeps harassing you, call the cops and charge him with harassment and stalking...that way, if he doesn't stop after that, HE will be the one going to jail...
staygolden3
staygolden3
I second what Wendi said!!!!!! Esp the first part!
durbgirl
durbgirl
OMG- how DARE he do this to you. Tell him to do what Wenimac said and say it very firmly. You do NOT need people like that in your life!
bookdragon
bookdragon
He sounds a little crazy to me. I don't think you need to be polite. Tell him you can't listen to him anymore and stop talking to him. If that does not work listen to Wendimac. Call the police if he does not stop. Hugs Patti
Jeff-Bolen
Jeff-Bolen
Wow talk about pushy.....The others are right, don't be polite, tell him like it is....
handg
handg
They sound like con artist who prey on the vulnerable! I would have a lawyer send a letter (the cost is worth it) saying that ties to the relationship are cut and that their comments are a form of harassment and defamation of Shane's character. That further contact and comments will be addressed in a legal matter . You need to protect yourself . I may watch to many criminal shows but they do not sound like they can be trusted and would not see their actions as anything wrong. They need to be reminded and God forbid something should happen, a paper trail is always good to have. I would aso make sure to make my house secure and even change locks as if this people have been in your home, who knows what they are capable of doing while your guards were down from dealing with the lost of him. Protect yourself at all cost !
gerald222
gerald222
Change your address book. That is no friend. I am truly sorry you have to deal with this. No politeness required here. Push back and get him out of your life.
ruthannstewart
ruthannstewart
This person is preying on you !! He sees you as an opportunity to step into your life and take over. Please, trust your feelings and if you need to get a restraining order and talk to the police, then do so. What a worthless piece of s--- ! Be careful around him and don't invite him into your home and if he has been there before, change your locks and get a motion detector light. This person is not right in the head. No normal man would talk to a woman like that !
Best wishes.
Ruthann
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Is there another mutual friend you can talkj to to tell this guy to f-off? If he realizes that what he is doing is known to others and that it is unwelcome, that may be enough to get him to stop. What about Shane's brother or father? Have one of them call this guy out on it.

Failing that, contact the police and say you are a widow who is being stalked and harrassed and ask for help.

He sounds like an absolute creep.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
loveddogs
loveddogs
OMG Amy this is so wrong on every level. The sick bastard needs to be told to leave you the hell alone. Like he is the answer to your grief! Yeah, just what you need. I agree with those before me, tell him to go "f" himself and never contact you again. Long ago I had an obscene caller, before caller id. He would always call when my husband was at work. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. Creeped me out for sure. I finally answered the phone the last time and told him how happy I was that he called, to please stay on the line because his call was being traced and recorded by the police. He never called again. Screen your calls, do not answer the door if he shows up. He is a loser. And you are right, no one knew your husband better than you. Do what it takes to protect yourself. This guy sounds like a sleeze ball. He might have been Shane's friend but obviously he isn't yours. Hugs to you, be safe, Michele
AfterMom
AfterMom
this guy needs to be told that ALL contact, communications etc is completely cut off. even if you are accidentally in the same place with other people around, he better to stay away from you.
make sure he knows that you also have other people "watching your back" and that you have told your REAL friends and family about his sick and inappropriate behavior, so nothing he says to you, or tries, is secret or private.
might be a good idea to have cops present when you say it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Amy, it's important that others know of this person's advances towards you and that this person know that others know.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this inappropriate behavior. You have enough on your plate right now, you don't need to be faced with such nonsense!

Be careful and take care,
Roz
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
I would cut off all contact with him. If you want you can tell him that he's making you feel worse so justleave me alone. Block his phone number and put an end to this harassment. Sharon
lmj90
lmj90
I had a similar situation with a guy that my husband and I went to school with and spent most of our adult life hanging out with as friends. When my husband died he was very forward about his feelings and I asked for advice here and I got some great feed back. What I ended up doing is talking with his brother and we both told this guy that it was uncalled for and I didn't want any thing to do with him. Since that time I have had only one phone call and 1 letter of apology and nothing more. this is something that this sicko needs to be told. He's WAY out of line. Take care of yourself and if you don't feel comfortable telling this guy off find a friend with will either stand with you or that will tell him in no uncertain terms to go to hell.
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