Pam, at 2 1/2 yrs. I still sleep with the TV on. That way I don't lie there and listen for noises. We need to do whatever makes us feel better. Take care.

Pam,
I can understand your struggle. Part of you wants to know what happened and part of you just wants to let it go. I had the same struggle. Brian was in the hospital for tests when he passed away. He was doing fine that day, and I was planning to go see him after work. I was at work and I got a phone call from him. He told me that he was having a massive heart attack (which was later confirmed to me)and that he wanted to tell me goodbye and that he loved me. I told him that I loved him too and that I was on my way. He never regained consciousness, and I think he knew that the phone call would be the last time we spoke to each other. He crashed several more times after I got to the hospital and they were able to keep shocking him back until the priest could get there to give him last rites. He was supposed to go home in 2 days, and now he was gone. His doctor called me the next day and asked if I had any questions about what happened. I thought about whether or not I really wanted any of the details and I decided that I just could not bring myself to go through that. It would change nothing - Brian was gone and knowing what happened would not bring him back. He had previously had 2 mild heart attacks several years ago, so there was a history of heart problems. I just prayed that he didn't suffer before he passed away. That was the right decision for me, but only you know what is best for you. If you need to take some time to think it over then do that. You do whatever you need to do in order to find some comfort or closure.

Regarding the vehicle title, I had to do that 2 months after Brian died. It was so hard - bit by bit he was being removed from my life and that hurt so badly.

I left every light in the house burning and slept on the couch with the tv on for almost 2 1/2 months. I could not bear to even go into our bedroom much less sleep alone in our bed. That was a hard one to over come. I still find myself staying up much later than I should watching mindless tv just because laying alone in our bed in the dark is still painful. It takes time, and I am still working my way through a lot of stuff. For now you just have to take baby steps and go at your own pace. This is the longest hardest journey we will probably ever take and it is just going to take some time.
Susan

My husbands best friend died of a heart attack years ago. He was working in his shop and felt weak. He went into the house and he and his wife went to the hospital. He was in emergency and the doctor asked him how much pain he was in and he was not in much, he only felt weak. He told his wife he felt weak again and turned his head and was gone. They could not bring him back.
This shocked my husband and I. I always thought that heart attacks were so painful. I have learned since that very often they are not and are felt as weakness.

I am so sorry for your loss, and the way you lost him so suddenly. It is all so hard.

Sending you lots of hugs.
-Diana

You all have been so wonderful and offered the best advice/support .. just what I need. I decided to let my dad call and inquire about procedures for getting the report. He will read it first and if he feels there is anything in there I would be better off not knowing, I won't read it. I really think though that there will not be any surprises as to the information I already know; especially after talking with his boss.

Again, many many thanks for your support and understanding. Hugs to all
Pam

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Although I was there and doing CPR on my husband, I had to have answers myself. Yes, I called the EMT's. Yes, they answered my questions. A person who dies - depending on cause of death - will display sounds and sights that will stay with you forever - I needed to know if I did something wrong while I was performing CPR. They reassured me I didn't. I also called the Emergency Room Doctor - she reassured me that even though they worked on my husband for an hour after arriving at the hospital - he died from sudden cardiac arrest at our home. Once I started CPR, the EMT's had to continue as well as the hospital doing their procedures. The Doctor said this is standard protocol.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know it is difficult - your not being there - and maybe you feel guilt. I feel guilt too - and I was there! My prayers are with you!
Cecelia

I would let it go. My husband died at home and his last breath was a sigh. Hospice explained to me that this is a transition. I am sure that he was probably being as strong as he could and that the EMT personnel did everything in their power, unfortunately they could not do anything else. I am also sure that his love for you was on his mind during this time. That is why you need to love him back by trying to think of what he would want you to be doing as opposed to trying to find more answers to questions that cannot be answered. Be kind to yourself and don't tortue yourself, I'm sure he loved you until the end. Stay strong.

Pam,
I just came across this post. I know what you mean about wanting to know! I went to the ambulence service that took Joe in to the hospital and got a copy of the records that they had, and I also got a copy of the records from the hospital. He was gone and reading the records wasn't going to make any difference to any one else, but I wanted to see what the records stated for myself. Since, I began CPR after Joe quit breathing, the medics had to continue until they got him to the hospital, where the hospital continued the same. The ER medics shocked him at our friends' house -- where he collapsed, and shocked him on the way to the hospital too. I was right behind the ambulence with my daughter and her husband. (They wouldn't let me drive my car by myself, I was GOING to though until my son-in-law ran after me and got me in their vehicle.)
I have a niece that has worked at that hospital for years, she met the ambulence at the door and she helped with Joe. I saw her doing CPR -- probably after the Dr. called it. The Dr. told me that Joe was gone by the time he hit the floor.

So the only reason that the ER medics and the Dr. continued with CPR is because I started it. I kept thinking that I could make him breathe!! I knew he wasn't and didn't have a pulse!! It's just something that I had to do. I had to try. But, I had to "see" and read those reports myself, in order to be satisfied that everything was done that could be done.

So, yes, get the reports and read them. I did. They didn't really make me feel any better, but, at least I knew what was done and that I did do all I could do and so did the medical personnel.

It's really rough, but, we do eventually, get to a better place when we work on our grief and depend on Jesus to see us through. Hugs and prayers, Joely