Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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loveddogs 08/21/2015

In two days it will be four months! I can't do this anymore. I am in so much pain. I miss him more each day. Every ounce of my body, mind and soul are crushed. I am so sick of crying at the slightest thing. And crying leaves me with the worst headache. I am sick of hearing baby steps,one moment hour,day at a time. I am tired of reading books on grief. And I can't read a normal book because there is a trigger there. Each day I try to go on, but each day I crave him more. Every ounce of my being is shattered. Can't listen to the radio, it might trigger a memory. Too hard to watch the same shows we did. Don't want to leave the house, it's my comfort zone but also my constant torture. Don't want to come home because he's not here. My mind, body, soul are broken. My memories of our lives together are not enough. I have forced myself to do many things I didn't want to do but all the new memories are so bitter sweet. This was not supposed to be our life. Where is he? Why don't I see signs. Why doesn't he come to me in my dreams? Why am I so tired and then feel guilty when I get nothing done. What's the point?Why do I wake up when I do sleep and feel that kick in the gut. That breathe taking agony of his loss. I want to feel his touch, have the phone ring and it be him saying: yeah Shell what did you need from the store? What do you want for supper. How are the kids have you talked to them? How was Lola's first day of school? When is Andy moving? Has Josh heard anything about his last job application. This is not living. If they carted me off in a straight jacket and drugged me to numbness that would be a blessing. My nerves are so frazzled and my mind confused that the slightest thing I interpret wrong. My daughter sent me a post about the research on vapor cigs and the benefits of stopping smoking. It pissed me off, I don't need to be reminded that I have a nasty habit and can't seem to quit. I am in no frame of mind to do anything right at this point. I don't want a future without him. My purpose is gone. My daughter takes offense to that as she feels My pupose wasn't just taking care of him. No, my purpose was to share my life with the man I love more than myself and share everything with him. Our future was stripped of everything we did, wanted to do or where we wanted to go. I know, we were one and I love my family to no end, but living without him makes it hard to enjoy them. I cherish the time I spend with the grands, but he is not here to share. What did I ever do to deserve this?? What kind of God would be so cruel? Damn it I have never wanted much nor demanded much. I have too much love in my heart for him to move on without him. Nothing makes sense. I am just so lost and confused. Can't feel happy about anything. Because everything in the future he will not be there for. "WHEN" will this get easier? Just miserable and venting. someone give me answers. PLEASE !!!

dcheramie 08/21/2015

you said it in my journal when i was venting last night ; hang in there Michele..

it really is a day by day thing it seems...i was miserable last night...kindof numb this morning...i think its just going to waver back and forth between that for a while..

I know one thing i did do a few months back that helped me, that you may want to try..I was fixated on the day of the week and the number of days it had been..i was blogging those details in my blog posts..and it was killing me... Now..i can still tell you how long its been..but i decided to stop fixating on "Tuesdays" and the 11th of each month..because it was a reminder every week..i didnt need to do that to myself..its not like tuesday was not happening again.. now its just another day of the week again.. at least, i am sure it will be until 11/11/15..at which point i will probably break down..

be gentle on yourself..I have asked all of those same questions you asked, many many times...

scottito 08/21/2015

I read your post, and you are right. This is not fair to any of us. What makes it so hard is how we have had the most important part of our life taken from us. I'd give you scriptures, but I know that is not what you want right now. You just want him back. I know it hurts. I know it all sucks. But somehow, we all reach a point where we have to reach deep inside ourselves and find a reason to go on. For me, taking over the life nurturing responsibility for our 3 grandkids (ages 11, 6 and 3) gives me purpose and a hope. They were the only reason Juanita held on so long -- she wanted to see her grandchildren grow up (they came very late in life for us). I know how difficult it is to think beyond this grief. But you have it in you to go on. I know you do. Love conquers all - it is the most powerful force in the universe. You might try to focus on finding what you still love - be it people, animals, anything....whatever. It is a struggle for all of us to climb out of our "deep place", but there has to be a reason why we are still here, and our spouse is not. Our prayers are with you. ~ Scott

lmj90 08/21/2015

I'm so sorry you are feeling such deep pain. I have no answer for you and Im sorry for that too. I feel much the same way you do. There just is no point in most things any more. I do try to think that others feel the loss to but then I tell myself "no one feels what I feel" I am not going to preach the "hope you feel better crap" There are just things that mear words can't ease. Our pain is one of them. Nothing about this gets better. But.......

Take one situation and deal with it. Like if you listen to the radio and it makes you cry then cry your eyes out. What ever the situation or trigger is then go with it. Some times that helps me. For many months I couldn't turn on the tv or use the towel he used. I slowly started turning on the tv and only left it on for very short periods of time. Then it went off again. Now I have it on for about an hour a night just for sound. I couldn't tell you what commercial or show was on cuz I don't pay attention. Ease yourself into one thing at a time. If you can't do that certain thing then try something else. You will find something that works for you and when you do give your self credit for the effort. Try something you used to like but just for brief periods don't overwhelm yourself. You can do this. We can do this together all of us and I am here to talk anytime, We all are. Hugs and strength to you always

Lisa

Nicker07 08/21/2015

What is normal now?
Its called the new normal and finding yourself now.
Gain an awareness that there are certain responses to your loss, if not changed, they will hold us back from enjoying life.

Becoming willing to stop focusing on the past. You are still fresh in your loss and unfortunately it takes time - you have to go through all those steps in this process to go onto a new norm as its called here.

Find ways to express your love for him that fit in appropriately for how life is now.

None is easy, do not beat yourself up for how you are feeling He would want you to focus on you and your well being now.
Look around and find a way to make positive changes in your environment to reflect YOU now. I changed furniture from room to room, painted and decorated that reflected ME. Changed beddng, a room dcor ,move living room around, focus 1 afternoon to make a corner just your way reflecting only YOUR tastes and YOU. It might be hard to do but just start a little at a time.

Remember you can not expect things to change immediately.
Here is a hug.

deleted_user 08/21/2015

Michelle,
I hear you. I have NO answers for you. It is NOT fair and it's the worst "kick in the gut", I know.

The future seems so meaningless without him in it. What keeps me going are my children and grandchildren, and my amazing dog. They miss him too and look to me to show them how to be gracious within that loss.

They want to look through family albums where he's well and happy and I still can't. I know I will breakdown and NEVER be able to pick up the pieces of myself. I'm shattered as you are.......I totally understand your loss and I'm sorry and totally understand the pain that you are in.

I don't know if this hopeless feeling will ever subside but I know that he existed and that I was the one he loved and adored. The memories of that love and of him sustain me.

I wish you peace in this battle to survive without him.

Roz

staygolden3 08/21/2015

Oh Michele...I'm so sorry...we all feel your pain. And know it by heart. We are similar in both of our husbands were on dialysis. As many folks here can attest to being caregivers, we worked so hard all day and night to help them in their journey that it became our main reason for living during those days. So much had to fit into each day that at times it became overwhelming. (Not that I wouldn't go back to those days in a heartbeat). Now they're gone and it's almost as if we have empty nest syndrome. I go home from work and look around...nothing really needs done right away. No one to get dinner for. No bandages to change. No meds to give or fill. No laundry. No bags or snacks to pack for the dialysis 3X a week. It is horrible. It is lonely. But it is...a big fork was stuck in our road and it changed the way we lived. What we were used to for so long. Not to mention doing all of this for the loves of our lives. It was ok because it was for them. And we'd do anything for them just to be with them. I'm not going to tell you baby steps. You know that. And I feel resentful too. So many of my friends have healthy husbands that they kind of can't stand. Why did mine have to go when we were so good together? Still so in love after all,of these years! Why him? He was such a good guy and I look around at so many that waste their lives and bodies. What he wouldn't have given to have their unappreciated health. Why? Why? Why? I will tell you that I have to stop asking that though. Because the longer I dwell on it, the deeper I dig myself into that very dark place. Then it takes that much longer to come out again. Am I ignoring or denying my feelings? I don't know. Maybe. I'm new to Ythis but for now I guess I try to push that horrible day and each minute and word out of my mind for now. Maybe I'm not ready to face that just yet. It kills me when I do and I just want to cry forever until I can't breathe. So for now when those thoughts come sneaking around, I change my though process and divert my attention to the task at hand. It's hard though. It's hard to get up and go to work with this false facade of looking like I'm okay when inside I feel like an empty shell of us. So I guess my whole point is that life is unfair a lot of the time but there really is nothing we can do about it. Know that we are always here for you. Just keep venting. We all really can relate
Love to you Michele
Darcie

AfterMom 08/21/2015

when I feel like that, it helps to throw around the "F" word and a bunch of other ones too. vent all your pain and anger.
is foul language allowed on this board?
I am christian, and my conscience still permits to call it like I feel it.
(I personally can't use God's name) but this grief is a serious mind fuck. heart fuck. life fuck
It is unnatural to bond with spouses so deeply and then be ripped apart, left by ourselves.
If my language offends, I apologize in advance.

michaelbmanning 08/21/2015

I will be brief with this because I am a busy girl. If I can make it five years so can you. People care about you so they make suggestions that are supposed to be helpful. Smoking is bad. I am guilty of that and have been working on that myself.

I get it that your husband is not here to see all the family milestones. You are far from alone. I have kids that have to be reminded who their dad is. There is not one thing about all this crap that is fun. We either let the crap ruin our lives or we fight it.

Maggie

wendimac 08/21/2015

Just past the 5 month mark for me, and everything you said could have been taken right out of my heart. I don't know how much longer I can do this either...I have no answers, but I do know how you feel.
And your right...it's not fair, and I have also questioned what kind of a God would do this to people...and then condemn the act of suicide on top of it? I even gave him the finger last night as my son was having a 'meltdown'...and yelled 'right back at ya, God'...Many years ago when I read the book of Job, I really couldn't comprehend what I was reading...now it makes sense...sort of...I don't know...like you, I just want my husband back...I'm so fucked up I don't know who I am anymore, what day it is, etc. ..I smoke a lot of weed in an attempt to 'get better', and while it numbs my senses for awhile, it doesn't solve the problem..it doesn't bring Tommy back...and I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly...again, it's NOT FAIR!

letmehelpyou 08/21/2015

Michelle,
Vent away, we have all been where you are at. Four months is very early and very hard and you have every right to be angry. Life is not fair, nor has is ever been so. Terrible things happen randomly and for no reason to people who deserve better. Wonderful things happen randomly and for no reason to people who deserve worse.

Now for an answer you will not like. It does not get better right away, it can't. It gets better when you exhaust the rage, accept the inequity and decide to move forward. It gets better when you choose life and you choose joy, when you can let yourself choose life and choose joy, when you are ready for it. At least for me, in the first year that was impossible. I was no more ready to find joy in this new existence than I was to walk on the moon. I had days that were better, days that were worse, but at the end of each day, I prayed for my old life back. Didn't happen, and it's not fair, but it is what it is. Things improve with acceptance and acceptance doesn't come easily or immediately.

Right now, it simply is just one day at a time. I am profoundly sorry that it is so, and that there are no easy answers. Please just know that we understand.

Hugs,
Val

deremusl 08/21/2015

When I was at 4 months, I felt just like you're feeling. My daughter insisted I go to a grief counselor because I kept thinking I was going crazy. He helped me a lot, but he could not take away any of my pain.

At six months, I still have horrible days. I'm still beyond sad, and so angry that my wonderful husband was taken when there are so many worthless people out there. But I will tell you, it does get a little better.

I do now feel like I'm going to make it. Am I mad that I have to live one day at a time and take baby steps? Hell. yes!! I want the normal life I had like all my friends have. But since I can't have that, I know I'll just have to muddle my way through this horror until I make it through. I will make it and so will you.

If smoking helps you, don't feel guilty about it. This is certainly not the time to give up something that gives you comfort. Believe me, if I was a smoker, you'd see the smoke from outer space! We all have to do what we have to in order to get through this.

eric1971 08/21/2015

I remember the headaches from crying, and it took me two years after my wife passed to be able to quit smoking. You are at 4 months, this is very early on and people who have not been through this do not understand that. In time things will get better, I will not say "time heals wounds" because personally I think that's bullshit. But in time, you will learn to live again, at first every step will be painful, accompanied with a pronounced limp. Then you learn to walk without the limp, making every step even more painful, but everyone else who sees you will think you're doing great. Eventually you absorb the pain, it becomes a part of you that no longer hurts so deeply, it will always be there, but you will have learned to live with it, and not let it control you.

Coop84 08/21/2015

Dear Lovedogs: Val has hit it bang on. You are so early in this horrible journey we all get. Please let me reassure you that the days do get better. Art died on May 19th, 2014, and it was not until March of 2015, I could turn on the TV or listen to music. I can now and when certain songs come on I cry and some bring back so many cherished and wonderful memories. My dear, I know you are sick of hearing it but really is the only way we can get thru this, baby steps!!!!! Hugs. Sue

kgray41 08/21/2015

Breathe just breathe!!! One moment at a time, one day at a time. You will get thru this! In your own time. You will live again! Don't lose heart my friend. You are in my prayers!

shaneslove 08/21/2015

Oh how I wish I had answers for you. I wish there was something I could say to make this easier for everyone experiencing this nightmare. You are in my thoughts daily, (right now, I cannot bring myself to pray or offer prayers, because I just cannot turn to God when I feel that he let me, Shane, and our kids down so horrifically). Some days seem so painful that surviving not only seems impossible, but unwanted.
Hugs and much love to you.... Amy

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