Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
In two days it will be four months! I can't do this anymore. I am in so much pain. I miss him more each day. Every ounce of my body, mind and soul are crushed. I am so sick of crying at the slightest thing. And crying leaves me with the worst headache. I am sick of hearing baby steps,one moment hour,day at a time. I am tired of reading books on grief. And I can't read a normal book because there is a trigger there. Each day I try to go on, but each day I crave him more. Every ounce of my being is shattered. Can't listen to the radio, it might trigger a memory. Too hard to watch the same shows we did. Don't want to leave the house, it's my comfort zone but also my constant torture. Don't want to come home because he's not here. My mind, body, soul are broken. My memories of our lives together are not enough. I have forced myself to do many things I didn't want to do but all the new memories are so bitter sweet. This was not supposed to be our life. Where is he? Why don't I see signs. Why doesn't he come to me in my dreams? Why am I so tired and then feel guilty when I get nothing done. What's the point?Why do I wake up when I do sleep and feel that kick in the gut. That breathe taking agony of his loss. I want to feel his touch, have the phone ring and it be him saying: yeah Shell what did you need from the store? What do you want for supper. How are the kids have you talked to them? How was Lola's first day of school? When is Andy moving? Has Josh heard anything about his last job application. This is not living. If they carted me off in a straight jacket and drugged me to numbness that would be a blessing. My nerves are so frazzled and my mind confused that the slightest thing I interpret wrong. My daughter sent me a post about the research on vapor cigs and the benefits of stopping smoking. It pissed me off, I don't need to be reminded that I have a nasty habit and can't seem to quit. I am in no frame of mind to do anything right at this point. I don't want a future without him. My purpose is gone. My daughter takes offense to that as she feels My pupose wasn't just taking care of him. No, my purpose was to share my life with the man I love more than myself and share everything with him. Our future was stripped of everything we did, wanted to do or where we wanted to go. I know, we were one and I love my family to no end, but living without him makes it hard to enjoy them. I cherish the time I spend with the grands, but he is not here to share. What did I ever do to deserve this?? What kind of God would be so cruel? Damn it I have never wanted much nor demanded much. I have too much love in my heart for him to move on without him. Nothing makes sense. I am just so lost and confused. Can't feel happy about anything. Because everything in the future he will not be there for. "WHEN" will this get easier? Just miserable and venting. someone give me answers. PLEASE !!!
I remember for months only going out for food. I kept my world small, and the only thing that kept me sane was knowing I wasn't, and will never be, the only one who had to go through this. Lots of older widows get through without much help from anyone.
The deep pain will not last forever, but I agree, it does last too long. Other people don't know what they are talking about unless they have lost a mate. I still become irritated with some who think they know better and say or do the most ridiculous things thinking they are helping. I also read about grief until it was coming out of my ears. I no longer need to do that. You'll get to that point too.
Your pain just resonates & I wish we all could just be able to hold you so it wouldn't hurt so much.
So much good advise from everyone.
Take care
Hang in there, soon you'll start to see a glimpse of the light at the end of this wretched tunnel.
Rachel