Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Nicker07 04/25/2011

My husband was the Vice President of the local Dept of Fish and Wildlife retirement association, he had did much of the work for the local retirement picnic we had July 11, 21 days prior to his death.

While discussing one of the members they had lost recently Roger and several of them talked about what they would want for their memorials as this friend's second wife did not include many of them.
And I followed what he had said that day, even where he wished his ashes to be spread (which I knew kinds where once many yrs ago he said but he changed his mind when the forest service roadway was washed out permantently although you could ride horse back or snowmobile into it.

Another thing that happened was i kept for the last year hounding him to check to make sure we had mortgage insurance or looked into life insurance. Which is was expensive by than I kept saying if you died you will leave me in a financial mess here. I do not know why I was saying or doing that? Except than I remember he turned 68 although his dad lived to be 96 for some reason I kept after him to check it out. AND I was hounding him to get his physical done esp. a cartoid artery thing done. Again I remember local neighbor(s) did & 3 had clogged arteries and needed stents etc. ....I kept after him to do that.
That is what killed him, a sudden clogged major artery.

I keep thinking why was I saying and doing that? Intuition?
I believe though even if he had, it was his day to go, it would have been some other way if that truly his day. BUT I still curiously wondering why I was really dwelling alot on it Did I know in my sub conscious something was wrong?

tink59 04/25/2011

We had discussed the finances the night before and how I would probably go first being my parents died at 63 and 72 and his are 79 and 84 and still living. His great grandmother was 103. So I told him I was ready, and he told me no we still had a lot of life to live. I was missing my stillborn son who I never held. He told me I needed to start walking and get healthy so we could grow old together. He was 5'6, 150 lbs and a runner and cyclist, in top shape. Yet he dies of a massive heart attack the next day. He was only 52. A month before I had had a dream of my son dying and not being able to graduate or get married and it highly upset me as I would not say it out loud, yet the week before John died I told him about it. And John died 2 weeks before Chad graduated and 1 month before his wedding. He asked me to go to church with him on Sunday at 9 he would always go 45 minutes early, I told him if he loved me he would wait till 8:30 so I could go with him and he said if you love me you would be ready at 8:15, we could walk to church it was around the corner. And where was I on Sunday at 9:00 at the funeral home making arrangements. This was all so weird, the conversations we had had over the last 6 weeks, were so comfortable yet never thought they would ever be put into place for many many years. Still in shock.

Truhal 04/26/2011

A year before my husband passed God whispered in my end that this would be his last year. He told me that I would be alone very soon. At the time I also had a bird and dog. I was told that the bird would go first. Two months later the bird died. I remember looking at my husband and thinking, this is the beginning. I had many moments of begging God to change the future. My husband seemed healthy, so it seemed impossible that anything could go wrong, yet during one evening, when we were visiting his daughter, I had a feeling that I was walking by myself. We were walking towards her house and suddenly, I felt like there was no one else there but me. It was a defining moment. At the time, I didn't have his daughter's phone number and didn't know how to drive to her house myself. I relied on him for that. But on that day I asked for her phone number and address. In fact, he forgot to give it to me, so I called him at work and asked for it. Three weeks later I got to use it when he his anuerysm burst. He died two weeks later. The dog died three months later, and the prophesy that was given to me was fulfilled. I was alone within one year of it.

I believe that God's Sprit speaks to us. Sometimes we ignore it. Sometimes we deny it. But it is His way of preparing us for what is to come.

Tru

deleted_user 04/26/2011

We never spoke of death per se as in preparing for it.

Frank was young (49) and we thought we had many years ahead of us together.

The only "death" conversations we had were about insurances. We had insurance. 401K's, and house arrangements and we both knew where all those papers were located. It was more of a "this is what we have done" but we really don;t need to worry about it yet.

Sadly, that day came to pass sooner than I dreamed. And knowing wehre papers were and what arrangements we had made was helpful.

The only thing we had not discussed was where burial would be.I made a very adult and hard decision in allowing his body to be taken back to Germany and burined in the family church cemetary. It does pain me at times that i don;t have that here....but I can still go ver and I send flowers often via the family there. I thought that he would want to be buried alongside his grandfather and grandmother. If we had been older I would probably have made a different dicision as his parents might not still be living. I wanted to give his mother that gift of having him "home".

leminmpls 04/26/2011

I knew in my sub conscious and conscious something was wrong and I am fairly certain Mike did as well. When you've lived with someone for a very long time I believe you feel little nuances without even knowing you do. As I look back at the months before Mike died (like so many others from heart related issues) he seemed to have sensed something was going to go wrong without every really saying it. I think in a sub conscious way you were trying to prepare.

deleted_user 04/26/2011

The only time we discussed death was a few months prior when i was pregnant with our daughter. we thought we should decide who to leave her to if something were to happen to us. and then we decided to consoladate our debts and thankfully added mortgage insurance. it was exactly 2 weeks to the day that my husband died leaving me with our daughter and a whole lot of things to deal with since he dealt with all our day to day stuff and mutual funds, rrsp's, etc. if i have learned anything out of this mess it's to insure everything and make sure people are aware of your own plans. i like to think that i gave my husband the funeral that he would have planned for himself. i hope

deleted_user 04/26/2011

Brian and I never really discussed death. He had several health problems during his last few years, but we did not think they were life threatening. He died on 12/11/09 of a massive heart attack while in the hospital undergoing routine medical tests. His manner was different in the week before he went into the hospital, and I think he knew he wasn't coming home. He made it a point to spend extra time with the kids, and the day before he went into the hospital he and I had dinner at one of his favorite restaurants and had a very romantic date night. Now he always spent time with me and the kids, so that was not unusual. It was more the way he was acting, like he was trying to make our last moments with him extra special. After he passed away, I went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. I then found out that he had planned his entire funeral in October. I didn't have to make any decisions, and I think this was his gift to me because I was in no shape to plan my husband's funeral. Susan

tskks 04/26/2011

For a couple of months before David died, a thought or voice would suddenly pop into my mind out of the blue. The words were always the same, " You better slow down, take it all in, appreciate it,savour it, because you're not going to have it forever" I remember feeling so shocked and scared everytime this happened that I immediately just pushed the thought away. But I did slow down for those hugs and told David how much I loved him and what he meant to me. I wish I had listened intently to that voice that I believe was God because there was probably more that would have been revealed. David died suddenly and unexpectantly. And I also know, even thou I can't really explain how, that the message was more for David than for me. That he needed this from me before he left this earth.

deleted_user 04/26/2011

My hubby and I had many conversations the last 9 months before he died because of all the deaths around us. My dad died in Feb. and my mother in law in May....each time we had discussions about what to do if one of us died. We had always talked about being cremated and wanting our ashes spread on our favorite beach. The night before he died, suddenly of a heart attack at 47, we had a wonderful conversation over dinner about our love for each other, and he looked at me and said, you are the best thing that ever happened to me and no matter what happens I always want you to remember that. Did he know something was going to happen to him? I don't know. But, I do know that he always thought he would die young. He used to laugh and say that the reason he was still here was because I kept him out of trouble. He also encouraged me to take a day off the week before he died and we played hooky for the day, just him and me, sleeping late, going out for lunch, just enjoying being together. I am so glad we did. I miss him so much.

Caroline04 04/27/2011

We spoke about it often, mainly because he always said that women live longer than men. We spoke about in serious terms which sometime made me "turn off"and not listen to a thing he was saying because I didn't want to think about that. Then, there were the not so serious times when I would say things, like about his large shed being jam-packed with all his stuff and treasures. I said to him one day "If anything ever happens to you, I am calling for a dumpster and getting rid of all this stuff". We both know diabetics often have shortened life spans due to organ failure. I just didn't think it would come so soon and so suddenly. Strange as it seems, he often would say to me and other relatives that he hoped if he has to pass, he would just have "the big one" and die peacefully. Eerie as it may seem, that is how it happened....

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