Welcome to the group and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know how you feel, my Roby fought cancer for about 26 months and when he passed I was not expecting it and was in shock and devastated. He wasn't on hospice but he wasn't finished fighting.

There is nothing to prepare you for losing a spouse.
Vent all you want here.

Diane in Texas

[[[HUGS]]]

I lost my husband instantly in a car collision ...
The husband of my dearest grief buddy died from colon cancer within the year of diagnosis ...
Neither of us were prepared or knew what to expect from grief, but we were compassionate of one another to recognize each other's plight & support eachother for the years ahead of us ...
She lived w/hope, prayers, immense stress, little sleep & tirelessly searching for help then finally kissing him good-bye when he closed his eyes for the last time ...
I, on the other hand, got to happily kiss Bob as he left for work than later learn of his death, shock hit us all & I basically just lay down to die ...
However, I do recall asking the police chaplain repeatedly why he was he here - to this day I don't remember what he said, but I somehow knew where to go & what to do ...
As it turned out, I should not have been driving-- Jules said the same thing ...
Jules' anger heightened when the new Mayo Clinic was built not far from our old homes in Mesa, AZ ...
We both experienced people telling us about the things we should be thankful for ...
"You are so lucky Bob died quickly & painlessly" ...
Ah huh! With a crushed head ...
All of it was like putting the cart before the horse ...
Meaning I haven't gotten to gratefulness yet, people!
Excuse me, I'm still in disbelief! Take whatever you want from the reception table & exit quietly puleeez! Eeeesh!
I don't know that anyone hears the widowed ...
Sometimes, I think the want to say something meaninful but really all that is remembered is how it made us feel ... Booo!
For myself, I do know that trying to explain how I felt at that moment was entirely ineffective simply b/c of the pat on the back when walking away-- far, far, far, away never to be seen again!
I'm w/Diane, vent all you want here ...
Its helpful & keeps from choking people ... *wink*
Peace & Blessings ...

I'm sorry for your loss.
I get the opposite. My boyfriend died suddenly and with no warning at all so I didn't get the chance to tell him goodbye or I loved him. I get told well at least you know he didn't suffer it was so quick and least you didn't have to watch him suffer. That doesn't make it any easier. No matter what way you lose the person you love whether you expect it or not I don't think anything can ever prepare you for the day you lose them.

It's in the category of "Dumb Things People Say" along with way too many other comments. I got things like, "He died in your arms - I am sure that's how he wanted to go." Really? Did he tell you that? I don't think so. Or how about "He's in a better place." Yeah, he might be, but I don't think he was so anxious to go, and we sure weren't anxious for him to get there.

People just don't know what to say to us. I am sorry those comments were made to you.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Mary - I've got the personal opinion that we're, none of us, prepared at all. No matter the circumstances. Marsha

Marjoe; Right on.
Mary it's been almost 6 months for me and no matter how I try to rationalize between somebody dying instantly or over a period of time you are never prepared. Deanna died over a 6 week period in increasingly sever pain and thou I knew that she was terminal and I should have been at least somewhat prepared. But I certainly was not. Hope for her recovery as all of us know hangs on right to the end.

Best Regards George

I have had time to "prepare" when my mom had cancer in 2012, and then no time when my husband passed away. Both have been extremely difficult, although my mom had a good, long and healthy 92 yrs. My husband and I said "I love you" before going to sleep, and I woke up to him gasping. So my heart feels good knowing I have his love and he has mine forever. My daughter and I both thought he knew something was going to happen to him. She is a nurse and she knew we would lose him to his heart one day, but certainly not two weeks after his stent was placed. He was a worrier, so I know he is at peace, not worrying! That is my salvation! Patricia

Welcome and vent away!..

...Cancer makes me want to play with my machete; My John also bought time, but up until a few weeks before he passed, he was way stronger than I.

Gentle hugs and warm thoughts(you need them here in Mi.
Jewells

Bob fought cancer for three years, I knew in the last two months that it would end soon. I never told him that, I just tried to keep a upbeat attitude in his presence about the chemo working. I thought in the last two weeks that it was almost over, the suffering, I thought I had prepared myself but as soon as he was gone I lost all sense of control. He was only on hospice for three days. Venting is one thing that keeps us all sane....we will survive

I too am sorrry for your loss. I'm in Indiana and now that fall is over I'm not looking foward to winter short days and long cold nights but so be it.
I also don't think we are ever prepared for the loss of our loved one. My wife had cancer we found out in March did all the chemo, radiation all the time we were hoping for recovery or at least remmision, doctor said we're looking at possibly 2 to 4 years, she was gone in 4 months. Nothing we tried helped. Eventualy she decided no more treatments so we signed up for hospice, the doctor said you have 3 to 4 months, she passed away 3 weeks later. So mentaly we really never go to the point of saying goood by. I was trying to keep her as healthy as possible as comfortable as possible, kind of too busy with life to actually plan on her passing, we did make all the arrangements and such but, never really said good by. We said I love you to each other on Saturday night and then she had sizers on Sunday morning went into a coma and never spoke again, the passed away that Monday morning. So at least the last thing I said to her was I love you. But, prepared?no way I was counting on those month we sisn;t get. So no we're never prepared for this.
Hugs to you and come here often the people here really do know how we feel and they are my strength.

Best to you

Jeff

Prepared? PREPARED??? My dear husband was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer on 12/19/12. Almost nine months later to the date, he was gone. His doctors are still in disbelief that he died because he was so strong, even after chemo and radiation. His prognosis was very promising, even after all the initial bad news. Absolutely nothing prepares you to watch and wait for the love of your life to take his last breath. Tomorrow will be two months since he died and I still can't take a deep, full breath. If one more person asks me when I'm going to start clearing out his "things", I think I might scream.

Thank you for your post...it allowed me to vent right along with you and I hope you don't ind.

"ind" = "mind"

I experienced the loss of my husband both ways. He was slowly dying of early onset Alzheimer's disease. I thought we would have another year or so fulfilling our bucket list and enjoying the things he might remember as happy. But on 12-19-12, he was killed in a car accident. IIronically, I was driving since it was not "safe" for him to drive.

I can tell you at the time, I was grateful that he died suddenly. He would not have to suffer the awful dying of his mind. He knew I loved him even though we did not have meaningful last words. But, there is no time that is an expected time to die. The grieving is not about WHEN or HOW
we lost them, it is THAT we lost them. That is what is unbearibly painful.
We lost our love, our way of life, and a huge part of our self-definition. We shouldn't belittle others for making "Stupid" remarks. Did we even know how awful and horrendous our suffering was going to be? I sure Didn't....how could anyone else? There is nothing anyone can say to us that is going to ease the pain if they have not experienced it. The pain is too visceral to be understood except by each other. So just tell those people, "I know you want to say something that will make me feel better, and I appreciate your efforts, but what would really help me right now would be for you to.........(fill in the blank, with something like give me a hug, take a walk with me, go to the store and buy Kleenex)? I am sure they would rather do something to be helpful, than helplessly trying to Say something comforting.

It's a very difficult subject and I have found people around me struggle for the right words to say in an attempt to provide some comfort.. I have fund my best supporting friends are those who say nothing, but give you the biggest warmest hug, to try and absorb some of the pain you feel. I returned to work this week (well physically but not mentally) and have found colleagues seem to be walking on glass, some even avoiding me. It doesn't matter whether it's sudden ( like me) or gradual....the pain is the same. I've heard all the comments mentioned in other posts, but to be honest I've tried to llet them float over my head.

I'm with cliffskat on the 'better place' comment. To level set, I'm not a religious person. So a better place for Dina would be at home with me and our young daughter living the life we had planned. Something tells me she would agree with that.