I don't know why others think it's easier because we supposedly knew IT was coming. During their duration of illness, you know deep inside it is a distinct possibility but you are not preparing for it. We do change, however, as the grieving begins right away with a serious illness. Up until the end I was waiting for that miracle; the miracle that never came. The days he felt relatively good during his illness were like gold. My only consolation is that he's not suffering. What he was doing wasn't living, but barely subsisting from day to day.

I am sorry you have to hear those one liners that are supposed to 'comfort'. My husband died of cancer. He was diagnosed 2.5 years before his death. Ups and downs, hopes and disappointments were the way we lived but like you, hospice was 3 days and i did not 'prepare' even though it was me, the one who phoned hospice, i did not prepare even the hours before, still never being able to possiby grasp the heaviness and pain we feel. I still cannot quite believe it and its been over 2 years. People just do not know what to say, nor do they know to say NOTHING many times. Bless the ones that say nothing but give warm support

Cliff and I buried all 4 of our parents before his death. 3 were cancer deaths, the 4th unexpected heart failure. Does it make you prepared? Perhaps only as far as knowing where the funeral parlors are or how many death certificates you will need.

I don't think it prepares you for the loss. The only thing I can say it did was to prepare me for how best to live my time that i have left. Cliff and I faced those 4 deaths together, so we said "I love you" everyday and kissed hello and goodbye every time we parted, even if it was for just 15 minutes to go to the store. We had a deeper understanding of my parents' advice to "never go to bed angry with each other" and tried hard never to do that. My husband died like Patricia's - woke me up gasping and died in my arms. My last words to him were me screaming "Don't leave me!"

Prepared? I don't think it's really possible. You know more with each loss, but emotionally? How can it ever prepare you? All the time in the world would not have prepared me to say goodbye.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I lost my first husband after a long illness and my second husband to a massive heart attack. Both times my heart was completely broken. Both times I was unprepared. The grief is the same - horrible and unrelenting. My experience is that the loss of your soul mate is one like no other and anyway it happens - it is devastating.

It doesn't matter whether death comes suddenly or is drawn out. We are never ready to part with our spouses. I believe that people are uncomfortable when dealing with the subject and very awkward when dealing with those who have lost a spouse. I don't think they mean to say hurtful or dumb things. They are simply flailing around, trying to find a way to comfort us, but they don't know how. My least favourite comment: "You have to get used to the new normal." I wanted to say: "Bite me." I did say nothing. Just smiled and looked away until I could control myself.

My least fave comment is "Bob wouldn't want to see you so unhappy" Well, no kidding...............numbskull!!! I didn't want to see him leave either so put that in your pipe and smoke it! What do you think Bob expects I will be doing? Rejoicing? He and I had talks about who could survive better when one of us goes..........It always ended up the same way..............we each wanted to be first to go.but we also both knew that however it turned out the other one would have a really, really rough time because we were so darn close, best friends. Bob was sick for awhile but never, ever was I prepared...............I believed until the last minutes that Bob would make it........The idea of "us" being over was unfathomable. It would have been that way if it had come out of the blue in a flash so anyone who suggests you have time to prepare, is nuts!!! YOu may know you are in an unpleasant situation but you are NOT ever ready for it. Somehow as they withdrew life support, I still expected there to be a different outcome because this was Bob, MY Bob, he can't be leaving.........no way! and I will turn loose of some of his things when I'm ready and not one minute sooner. What works for one person may not be what works for the other guys and vice versa but one thing we have in common is that it hurts and it hurts a whole d*** lot!!!
Lynda

for me it has been almost 9 months. but even now I look back and still cant believe this happened to us. no warning . jan 2013 he was doing what he loved ice fishing!!!!! and was so excited about his catch!!! 2 weeks later some stomach discomfort and wham cancer everywhere , 3 or 4 months left . wow !! how could this be. well he only lasted 5 weeks. and yet I still hear that we are both so lucky that he didn't suffer long. if we are so lucky why would I never wish this on any one??? the only lucky thing is that I had 40 years with him!!! my thoughts are with each and everyone of you. take care and try to be good to yourself gayle

Gayle, maybe that's the best reply - "if we are so lucky why would I never wish this on any one???"

Amen to that....

Richard was diagnosed 12/2007 and on September 12, 2012 we were told their was nothing else they could do, and on October 3, 2012 he passed away(he was in hospice for 3 weeks). He fought every step of the way.

Preparation is for dinner parties, etc. Death does not fall under that category. Unless these type of people have walked in your shoes, my best advice would be to "ask them if they have been through what you have?"

Just a quote for you regarding people you feel like punching in the nose.

I am thankful for the difficult people in my life. They have shown me exactly who I don't want to be.
Author Unknown.

Best Regards George