I handle it by living one day at a time, and with support from DS. Guys are supposed to hide their feelings but I have been surprised by tears many times.. We have to cry and feel that loss to recover I guess. I like to read about the others experience on DS. I sure do miss my Susie, she was my best friend. Chris

Hello Guy
I lost my wife of 46 yrs ten weeks ago. I cared for her every day and night as she went thru treatment for cancer for 5 years. I too was in the trades. I was a carpenter contractor and considered myself as strong and able to most handle anything. I did not realize what being strong was until i witnessed my wife's strength. I miss her terribly and can't really offer you much advice except to be thankful you knew her.

Vince

Hello Guy, I'm only 4 months out so this coping stuff is still new to me also. From what I've read, being stoic will just postpone the inevitable crash of dealing with your loss that is coming. Faith has been a tremendous help, but I realize it's not for everyone. Family is very important if they are supportive and helpful. Avoid family who will urge you to snap out of your grief especially if you're not ready to move on. If family isn't an option you may want to look for a local group for grief and loss. Avoid isolating yourself from others, when we only have ourself to interact with, it's not good because we are most likely negative and hurting so we feed on that. Daily Strength has been a huge blessing with so many folks who identify with most everything we are suffering.

Pat will be gone 2 years on Feb 3. Initially I felt that there was no meaning to anything without her. Lucky for me 2 friends who had lost their wives about a year before reached out to me. I felt so guilty about not understanding what they had gone through, but they knew that there was no way i could have known and they gave me support that I greatly needed. I joined 2 grief support groups which I found very helpful, and they were a reason to get out of the house. I tried lots of things to fill my time. Some of them were things I really was not interested in (like being on the board of a not for profit and a boring part time job)and I dropped out. Slowly the desperation diminished and I began to focus on things I actually was interested in not just time fillers. I made myself go out to eat, I went to the senior fitness center and exercised a lot just to be around people and hung out with other old guys at a local fast food joint. My advice is make yourself be around people, stay in touch with family, talk to others who have been through this, try new things, and just go through the motions of living while the passage of time dulls the pain and gives you hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Guy, This group has given me support and healing in the short time Ive been here and will do so for you. It has forced and allowed me to get in touch with my feelings and emotions. Im not all that far along in this journey. At first I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I now believe I will survive and that farther into journey I will come out of this as a much better person from the lessons this event is teaching me. My girl Sally did not want to leave me but she also would want me to recover and live life to the fullest. Sal unfortunately had a family heart condition and had little control over her destiny. Im sorry you have to be here but we are in this together and gain strength from each other. Please lean on us because we do know what and how you are feeling and how hard the days can be to get through. nd forget the tough teaching of our youth. You must cry as that is the only way you can heal. I had to teach myself to cry and I have cryed rivers. Crying is not a sign of weekness but a necessary emotion that must not be suppressed. You will find triggers tath make you cry and you never know what they will be. I've cryed in public and I cannot control my emotions when the wave hits me. People do not understand the journey we are on unless you have walked it. This will be the worst and toughest journey of you life but you will grow and becaome a single person and not part of a couple again. It's not going to be easy but it is doable. Please do not suppress your emotions as that is a recipe for emotional disaster. I'm sorry you have to join us but you have found a caring , nonjudmental and caring group of the finest individuals you will ever encounter. They have helped me greatly and continue to do so. I post about my life in Montana and my feelings and emotions as I see them. Just remember to come her and if you are feeling wierd trust me one ou us have been ther too. There are a lot of males on this journey. Many never post and just read which is okay. You are not alone and my best advice is to find a place to put all important papers so you can find them later as you are entering what we call the fog. I think it is a coping mechanism the mind uses to aid us in the early stage of the journey. Rest assured the DS folks have your back and ther is no stupid post! If it is on you mind throw it out there! Best wishes to you Guy and sorry you had to join us but there is love, compassion and undrstanding here. Use it please!
A Montana big sky hug to you!

Dewman aka Dewey

guy. Losing a spouse is equal on both sides. There is no difference. A loss is a loss. I am sorry you had to join this site. But it is a good place to be. Everyone here has been such a big help for me. Hugs, Sandee

Hello Guy
I am so sorry about your loss.
You have questions. I wish I had answers but all I can say is you have come to a safe place.
To be stoic didnt work for me. I tried at first. In fact I tried really hard. I was going to take a shortcut through this grief thing. I was just going to power through and get on with getting on. Holly crap what was I thinking. Greif it turns out is something you MUST go through in order to get to the other side. There are no shortcuts or easy ways around it. I know you are beginning to see this for yourself or you would not be asking the question. Early on greif was described to me as lake you must cross. You cannot go around it, you must cross it. I have been crossing the lake for a year and a half now. I am nearing the opposite shore and I can finally stand now with my head above water. I know no matter how far I go, my feet will always be wet.
It is ok when you find stoic doesnt work. Men cry, in fact men cry really hard and often. Looking back I can tell you that you need those tears, you need all of them. That lake you must cross, its made of tears.
Martin

Guy,
I am so sorry for your loss.
You are not supposed to be anything. Your personal loss will manifest the way you emotionally feel it.
What ever you feel, let it out!......
That is why we are ALL here for you, when you need affirmation and support. Take it daily, that's all you can do.

Sandra

Yes, women seem to be more open about expressing their feelings than men. But both genders suffer loss in the same manner. IF you return often enough, you will see other men post. On the member's list page, I counted 50 men who belong to this site. And that was only within the first page of the list. We all feel pain when we lose a love one. Welcome.

I handle it, as others have said..one day at a time..today is the 2 month mark for me..exactly 2 months ago i lost the love of my life..

today has been one of those "am i numb? i feel sad...what do i do today?!?" kind of days...and yet, somehow before i know it, its going ot be time to eat some dinner..then go to bed..then do it all again and again..one day at a time..it's all we can do..and although it hurts like hell, I know our missing partners would want us..

man today sucks..

I am truly sorry for your loss and need to find we as a widow/widowers support group here. Not by choice, but here we are. Life and death doesn't escape any of us unfortunately.

I don't have any specific answers to your question of how guys deal or don't deal. I think we are all human and simply deal when we can. Perhaps men find it harder to express emotion thus the need for women from Venus to fill in the blanks.

Glad you reached out and shared. You will find a lot of support here, whether you decide to post/write/discuss. Always a lot of subject matter to read and digest.

We are with you . . remember, you are never truly alone.

Big hug and prayers to you. xo, Dayna

I am truly sorry for your loss, but happy that you found this site. Everyone here (male and female) have been or are going thru the sadness and pain of losing a spouse. The main lesson I learned in a grief workshop that I attended was "feel it to heal it". It stressed the need to acknowledge and feel the emotions including crying. There is NO SHAME in crying! It is a healthy release of emotion that, if pent up, can physically harm you. If people cannot understand that, then they are not worth your friendship! Sounds cruel but it is true. Sorrow is not gender specific! Hugs to you. It does not sound possible right now, but the pain does lessen a bit with the passage of time. Never be ashamed to show emotion!

For me personally, lots of prayer and reading many bible scriptures. Support from my children and my spiritual family. I also started a photo journal with pictures and comments from the time we dated to a section called Life Even After. It gave me a sense of closeness putting photos together and then doing a chronicling of our time together. In my prayers I shall pray that you will be strengthened and be comforted. As you have read, we all were where you are. It has been seventeen months for me. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, but I am determined to move forward and you will too.

As mentioned earlier we are all different and will handle the grief in our own way. No right or wrong. I can rarely come on this site without my eyes watering but haven't had a lot of tears since my wife passed in Oct. Am I being effective in damming up the emotion? I don't know. Is my numbness period just being extended? I don't know. Do I have the mother of all meltdowns looming? I don't know. I'm sad and have many moments of loneliness but am not sobbing and I know I loved my wife of 21 years no less than any man can love their life partner. I too am 61 and hope for an eventual transition to a more normal less painful existence.

My Tim always told me that I was the strongest person he knew. When he passed unexpectedly I did not want to let him down, so I bucked up and took the horse by the reins.
We have 2 grown Son's, so I stepped up and made sure I took care of everything, I did not want to burden them.
I had to move from Cali to Co, I did that by myself. I got a job within 2 months and worked 3-12's and 2-10's. I was doing it Hey Hon look at me the strongest person you know, I'll never let you down.
Then I hit the wall and hard at 9 months. Wow I never expected that I was in tough shape for the next 4-5 months.
DO NOT delay the grieving process, it is so much harder if you do.
Hugs, Sandi