Your world is shattered and your faith is part of it. I think it's part of the grieving and looking at everything anew. You will rebuild your faith and your life. It will be different, and it will take awhile. I have more faith now that I will be with Rob again than I did before he got ill. I didn't beleve in heaven. I didn't pray, I hoped that he'd be cured but in my heart I knew that if it was his time he'd go. He had terminal brain cancer, it sucked. We all die of something. God didn't give it to him. We all have our seperate journeys and we're done here when we're done here.. We come in alone and go out alone no matter how close we are.. For me know I choose to belief that we are not material beings with a spirit, we are spiritual beings that animate a body for while. Spirit doesn't die it becomes less dense and immaterial. We shed our bodies. I pray now to be able to accept what comes my way and not blame God. I don't recall every thanking him alot either. There's a purpose we forgot, we'll remember what it is when we leave. One thing for sure is that loss like this hurts for as long as it does.No way out but through and through it your thoughts will change but allow what you feel now. I am only at 16 months but I will always ache for Rob. Now I do often say thanks just for getting through a day. Lessons of suffering. Just my take on it all. Sorry it hurts so badly, it just does. Hugs and peace, Donna

As one who has spent much of my life around children I know they often ask for things that aren't really the best for them in the long term. My husband died at age 57 in the middle of the night, on the living room floor with me screaming at the 911 people and the 911 people screaming directions at me. When I had been trying to detect a pulse or sign of life for 5 minutes or so and to turn him over (he weighed 280) I suddenly felt a shift inside me? or him? and a sense of calm. Although I am not at all religious these words came out of me. "For I am certain that nothing can separate us from his (God's) love; neither death no life, neither angels nor other
heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present not the future, neither the world above nor the world below - there is nothing in all creation that will be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord." (Roman's 8:38-39.)
This tells me that if I am willing to live in faith then I'll be living in the same "dimension" as my darling. I really don't know know how it all works, but the fact is, there are many things in the world that work that I don't really understand. There is also a huge and growing body of anecdotes about near death experiences and testimony from many religious traditions over thousands of years that there is an afterlife and that it is really very beautiful. There is even a body of theoretical physics that points to the same conclusion.
Now and then I have very bad times also. Then, about the best I can do is pray for the willingness to believe that my prayers aren't just "bouncing off the ceiling." Then too there's that good old prayer, "Lord, I believe! Help thou my unbelief!" In our present condition there are difficulties keeping up an unwavering faith. The Bible is full of people who were less than perfect (like us) but who were accepted lovingly by God. We are the ones who think we have to have perfect faith and perfect feelings - and of course we are going to greive terribly the loss of our darlings in the form we were used to. My major difficulty today is to just keep on keepin' on. I want to feel good and happy and guess what? It isn't always possible. But when I screamed to God "What makes you think I can do this?" (and I screamed it a lot at first) the answer I eventually got back was "Because you have each other." The "each other" is all of you DS people, family and friends, neighbors, dogs and cats, work people, and all other little communities I'm part of. Sadly, greif and loss are a big part of the human condition. People who don't have close relationships don't experience them. Is that really what we'd want? Forget faith and religion, lean on God and your fellow men and women and I think you'll find out what I'm talking about.

The answer to our prayers come in many different forms. When we put our anger and dissapointment aside, and recognize the human condition, its imperfections and its limits, we then can see beyond the abyss of despair. Keep your heart open. Gods love is beyond our minds comprehension. It is in a place in our hearts. You will find the Lord when you choose to truly accept that Bill is now with him. Bills pain cannot be explained away. Do not let his pain destroy your hope to be with him again.
Read all that you can about the afterlife. Read "Many Minds Many Masters". Its about past lives. There are many books, find them.