I often say I am just taking one day at a time and that is the truth.

I had someone ask me that question today in the supermarket. I had not seen her in a very long time, and I realized immediately that she did not know that Sam had passed away. I explained as briefly as possible, and she was very compassionate.

But to those who do know ... and still ask how I'm doing ... I simply say "I'm just okay." They rarely ask for details. I think I will use the response "I am not good at all, but thank you for asking" from now on.

To me it depends on who is asking. My close & trusted friends really do want the truth so I am very honest with them. A few of my friends just don't "get it" and for them I give a similar answer to what Alliepoo does. For those that I know really don't give two hoots and a holler or a stranger just doing the routine greeting I tell them fine and then ask them how they are doing.
The one time I was asked "how are you doing" that I was so furious I was speechless was two weeks after Nick had died I ran on to his oncologist (who had never once visited him in the hospital while he was dying). He gave me a big toothy false grin and said happily "Hi. How are you doing?" ! I just glared at me. He then said "oh" and turned and walked away. All I can say is that I sincerely hope some day "karma" bights him!!

Usually I just say I'm doing "ok" which is the truth on most days. People are being polite but don't really want to hear or know what we go through everyday.

I now answer "as best as I can", a bit cryptic for total stranger, but then again they should not ask such a silly question if they don't know you, even out of curtesy - a simple good morning should do. For people who know me, it covers it all. Good days and bad days.

But I like Allliepoo's answer too.

There are variations on this, but I would answer, "F.I.N.E." which stands for "F*****up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted." (Pardon the bad language!)

Sometimes I would ask, "Do you want the polite response, the polite deferential response, or the truth??"

After awhile, you learn who to tell the truth to. That was a very small list for me. Sometimes it was more energy to describe how crappy I was feeling than I could afford to use. And there are those people out there who relish the idea that you are suffering. Beware of emotional vampires. They will suck the life out of you and enjoy watching you squirm. Had a few of those, too..... You do NOT have to tell them the truth. Don't feel obligated to spill your guts, especially at work. Some people delight in doing that just so they can talk about you behind your back - juicy gossip in some circles. Sick, but that is how our society is now.

Sometimes I would just say that I was "peachy" - which my closest friends knew was a warning that I was not okay, but to the uninitiated sounded like I was just fine. It was my code word. You could choose a code word for yourself, too. Just a thought....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I've also responded with "I'm okay" and "one day at a time" depending on who it is also.

What I find, for the ones that know my situation, when I respond again with "one day at a time" at 6 months out, they give me strange looks like 'still?...I'm tired of hearing that'.
Then I feel like I need to come up with some other 'lie' because I've used up "taking one day at a time".
On bad days, I don't even respond and just shrug (only to keep from screaming and breaking down)

My favorite was from my old (absolutely clueless) boss. The week after I buried my husband I had to go back to work. I was a total puddle and somehow I managed to pull my $#*! together and walk into the door Monday morning. She was there with a huge smile and says welcome back! She asked me how I was doing and how was my weekend? It almost derailed me! I said flatly...."um...well lets see, last week I buried my husband, so it wasn't such a good weekend.

She lost that smile and said, "oh, I just thooooouuuuugggghhhhttt maybe you would make the BEST of it...that's all," and she walked away.

I never forgave her for that. I no longer work there...thank God!

hugs...
-Diana

I too used Martha's code words FINE and "peachy". Those close to me knew if my answer was "ducky" they better duck and run!

I get what you mean about hating that question. I answer according to who it is and sometimes my moods. But the one that gets me more is the one that goes "How are you doing, you`re looking good" all in one breath, that one conveys to me that they are feeling awkward and need to say something and I feel bad that life has made it so. My standard answer though is often " I`m doing what I can to be o.k. because I don`t have a choice" .

I respond the same as alliepoo. One day at a time. To me that is the closest to the truth without giving them details they cant deal with. Gerald

I usually say taking one day at a time. Once while at the supermarket I was approaching an acquaintance. I know she saw me, she gave me a slight smile. Then she turned around and went down another aisle. I was hurt that she completely avoided me.

And then, there are those who don't ask at all, like they don' t even acknowledge what you have been through anything at all.

It's been over 7 years for me now and although I do at times feel glum about my situ, there have been many things since which have been challenging, some you see coming and some you don't so the answers to such inquiries often vary, plus the element of how we are feeling about ourselves affects the equation greatly.
I think Cliffkat's answer sums it up for me...."After a while, you learn who to tell the truth to"....sad but very accurate and it's a painful process, one we shouldn't really have to go through.

Martha, your acronym is perfect! I am gonna use it!
Oh, Diana, your old boss was such a jerk! Absolutely amazing!

This same question came up at my Griefshare meeting the other night.
As expected, lots of different answers. The one lady said that when asked, "How are you doing?" She always answers with, "I'm sad."

I usually reply with the ol' standard "I'm doing alright." Certainly NOT true most of the time, but it saves having to share my intense pain.