Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
We are overwhelmed on New Year's by the fact that they are gone. Our whole lives have burned to ashes. The new year.....how should we face it? What do we have to hope for?
In the early months I felt dead and hoped I would be dead as soon as possible. Because time waits for no one, however, the months rolled on and I was forced to go along. Just like an escalator keeps moving. You have to keep moving, too, or you'll be tossed on the floor at the top.
As the years rolled on by, I was given opportunities to live or die. I was fearful and not enthusiastic about the future. But one by one, my opportunies grew. Almost against my will, life started blooming again. Not like before, but blooming anyway.
I thought it would be a good idea for those of us who have been on this road for a longer time than many, would share how we have grown, bloomed and succeeded in living a life with some joy and hope.
As a widow, I have:
1. Flown alone to a state where my husband's family lived, to visit them. I thought I couldn't do it, but I did and it was wonderful.
2. I bought a little old RV to go camping in. Yes, by myself sometimes and sometimes with family members. Lots of fun.
3. I got a dog. When I sit on the floor with her and put my arms around her, I get a little of the joy that I had when I put my arms around my husband.
4. Joined a different church, one that supports me as a widow. I love the people.
What hope and joy have you discovered in your journey?
In the early months I felt dead and hoped I would be dead as soon as possible. Because time waits for no one, however, the months rolled on and I was forced to go along. Just like an escalator keeps moving. You have to keep moving, too, or you'll be tossed on the floor at the top.
As the years rolled on by, I was given opportunities to live or die. I was fearful and not enthusiastic about the future. But one by one, my opportunies grew. Almost against my will, life started blooming again. Not like before, but blooming anyway.
I thought it would be a good idea for those of us who have been on this road for a longer time than many, would share how we have grown, bloomed and succeeded in living a life with some joy and hope.
As a widow, I have:
1. Flown alone to a state where my husband's family lived, to visit them. I thought I couldn't do it, but I did and it was wonderful.
2. I bought a little old RV to go camping in. Yes, by myself sometimes and sometimes with family members. Lots of fun.
3. I got a dog. When I sit on the floor with her and put my arms around her, I get a little of the joy that I had when I put my arms around my husband.
4. Joined a different church, one that supports me as a widow. I love the people.
What hope and joy have you discovered in your journey?
As for me, I have only been at this for a year and three months, but the healing is beginning to pick up momentum:
1. I have returned to our habit of going to town on a certain day of the week and having lunch (salad) at the pizza parlor there. Many lovely memories, along with some bittersweet, and the people view me as family so it makes it easier.
2. I have begun to realize that I don't have to refrigerate the fruit cocktail cans any more. I always preferred room temp but my love preferred cold...nuff said. (and other tiny things along those lines).
3. I, too, have a dog now. It was serendipity. Waited six months not caring and when I did go to the shelter I tried on two nice dogs that just didn't work out. Went back one day ( I almost didn't go) to donate some things from the first two, and there she was in the office...my little Roxie Rat Terrier, 4 years old, already trained and is my salvation and hers. My constant companion and doesn't complain about my constant conversations!
4. I am finally starting to care about the house. Let it go for several years when Vern wasn't well, but now I'm re-evaluating, rearranging and maintaining better.
5. Tomorrow I will be getting a SafeStep cut into my bathtub/shower so I can stay longer in my home. Can hardly wait.
6. I am feeding the birds again (can't stand to see them hungry or thirsty in the snow).
7. I am still having trouble going and doing things alone (always been that way), but I haven't given up.
8. I read daily from "Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman...I can't tell you how much she has helped me. Thank you Mrs. Hickman!
9. And I keep coming back here on a daily basis...not always posting but always reading, soaking up the wisdoms, the love here (always palpable), and the comfort I find.
10. I am singing with the radio again!
Thank you so much for this thread, honey! Sorry to be so long-winded (you can see why it's amazing that both Vern and Roxie put up with my verbiage!). My real hope is that this year will bring even more solace, more moments of gentle smiles and memories and more realization that I CAN go on without his physical presence, knowing that he is always at my side.
Marilyn
widowed for 2 years on Dec 3, 2012. Just spent my 3rd Christmas and New year's without Mike...but in that time I have also gone from feeling so sorrowful I couldn't stop crying to being filled with peace that passes all understanding...
1. I have waded through all the new feelings of being widowed with the knowledge that Mike is safe and in the arms of Jesus...for ME that was most important
2.made changes to my environment at home to make our home now more "my" home...
3. Have gone on 2 trips with my sister and had a great time...,
4. have cried innumerable times in all of this..,
5, allowed myself to start to think about sharing my life again with someone else...
6. prayed, prayed and prayed some more about #5...
7. met Rob in April and have been so happy ever since. I truly feel he has been sent to me from the Father...he allows me the time and space I need when I feel overwhelmed and knows how precious my life with Mike was....he has said as much...so I know I have found someone who is trying to understand me...
8. I have entered a new year with hope for the future...life is too short to live in the past...my love for Mike will always be...and my love for Rob is new and wonderful. I have been blessed.
I wish you all peace as you are here to continue on to your own destiny....may God bless you richly in 2013. hugs, Jill
Thank you both for your understanding and wisdom.
It has been 68 day since I lost my wonderful husband and the life I loved ended. New Years Eve was one of our special evenings, but I had no idea that it would hit me so hard. I was by far the worst night of my life since I lost Bob. It was the night we would toast life and look forward to all our wonderful possibilities. Last night, all I saw was the dark, empty future, with no hope, no joy, no purpose.
Today, right now, I still feel that way. But I am trying, really I am, to believe that somehow I can rebuild a life without him. But how do you rebuild 46 years without the love of your life. Right now, I am hurting just to much to see it or feel it. But I will try and hang on to the what you have said here and find the thread of hope.
Blessings,
Sharon
Thank you for starting this thread and sharing your journey with all of us "newbies." I have been without my Darrell for 10 1/2 months and have been with this site since June of 2012. Within that time I began as a bowl of liquid Jell-O, thinking I would NEVER, EVER be able to walk alone (and even thought seriously of ending all the pain).
Everyone here held me up when I could no longer stand, rushed in to provide shoulders to cry on, listened when I needed someone to hear me and provided comfort when I was sure my heart was so broken that nothing could mend it.
I can now say, that because of you all on this site and the local hospice group for widows and widowers that I attend weekly, I can walk upright, once again; cry both sad and happy tears, without melting into nothingness; listen to others who need my ear; and assure everyone that Life can continue on - even happily, most days - with hope. There IS light at the end of that very dark tunnel and, for me - with all of your help - that light gets brighter each day.
For all the VERY new people, I want to assure you that there IS hope and there IS a future. It takes time - time, which now may seem like your enemy - and time that is shorter or longer for each of us. But upon reflections, I have been through Hell, survived, and grown into a new "me" - a "me" I actually like.
Do I miss Darrell? Oh, YES! Will I always miss him? Of course! I have learned, however, that i can take him with me into my future. I can and will never "replace" him. He has just skootched over in my heart to make way for additional loves. My heart has lots of room for love.
May you all - oldies and newbies, alike - find peace, smiles and contentment in your lives. Today is the first day of the year and a wonderful time to start a "new" life.
Hugs,
Terry
I like you, have flown twice to visit friends & family.
I got a dog, what a blessing. He can take my mind off myself, and is someone to talk to, to hug, an even yell at.
I found 2 jobs that helped me get through for a time, but not working right now.
I just keep moving alone hoping for something to change.
If you get a chance, check out "Healing after Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman (I found mine at Amazon). I wish I had found this little treasure long before I did.
You hang in there, honey, and trust in these special people here at DS to always be here to listen to you and share your tears, even when no one else seems to be able to.
I started dating a wonderful man in my almost third year that turned out to be a great friend. We grieved our losses together as he was also widowed.
I made our home my home by repainting, made our livingroom my bedroom, took down a wall thanks to my SIL and made two bedrooms into one spacious livingroom with brand new furniture that I choose alone. Put an arch between the livingroom and diningroom and lived happily (after a while) with my dog of five years at the time.
Then after I felt confident in who I was and some issues resolved I met a man that made me feel loved and cherrished for who I had become. We dated, fell in love, and began living together in a committed relationship that has flourished in the nearly two years we have been together. We shopped for a ring to serve as a committment ring and could change into a wedding set if we choose. Yes, I and we are still putting one foot in front of the other slow and steady, but I think I could be hearing wedding bells in the future. Life is good and I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and a second very different relationship with a man who makes me very happy and glad to be alive. Sharon
Now, reading these messages, is a reminder that life does continue, that it will get better.
Thank you.
1. Gone back to work.
2. Taken care of a ten acres, a four bedroom home, and two cats all by myself.
3. Handled minor home repairs.
4. Arranged repairs and body work to restore my husband's pickup truck.
5. Taken a solo airline trip across the US, and driven on four other solo trips to other states to visit family and friends; and learned that it's ok to eat a meal in a resturant by myself.
6. Purchased another vehicle all by myself.
7. Become more spiritual and more understanding of others, but at the same time less tolerant of inconsiderate nonsense.
8. Taken the responsibility of ensuring that my terminally ill Mom is cared for.
9. Appreciated and loved my darling Granddaughter all the more.
10. Missed my husband every day, but realized what a lucky woman I am to have loved and been loved - I learned true gratitude for being married to the love of my life.
Judy
Tbank you so much I am just two days short
of two months on this journey but I have gained so much valuable advice and support from this, I know that everyone says that life will get better but at this point it's very difficult to see. But thank you, all of you. This site is the first thing I do when I get to work in the morning and the last thing I read before bed at night. Happy New Year to everyone and hugs from me.
1. I adopted the sweetest little dog, Mattie.
2. I returned to work.
3. Made the decision to sell my house in the spring and move out of town.
4. Most importantly, I am beginning to accept that I can't get back the life I loved and now have to figure out what kind of life I will have. This one is still a work in progress.
I am hopeful the new year (my first one alone in many, many years) will bring peace and the ability to look back on the time I had with my wonderful husband with joy rather than the sadness I feel now. Wishing everyone a new year filled with health, hope and peace.
During four years being a widow, I have become a truly spiritual and actively practicing faith woman. I went on a mission trip helping orphans. From that experience I learned that while we are grieving, our empathy heals others whom we are reaching out to.
I have faithfully undergone through many grief recovery groups and individual counseling.
I organized a fundraiser to start a scholarship in my husbands name. The funds are for training CR leaders to heal people from lifes hurts and addictions. Still managing to keep it, although funds are much harder to raise today.
I went back my grad school studies which were interrupted by my loss, graduated, became a doctor.
Planted many trees, near our house, and near his grave.
Met new friends, helped them to whichever way I could, and they helped me.
Learned that life is a blessing, every day and every person is a gift to appreciate and to cherish.
Learned that life is still worthwhile if we just feel grateful for this marvelous gift.
From my Heart Thank you for your hopes!
May gentle hugs always be in your futures, May the sunshine bless each of you forever.
So humbled and gladdened about the Tomorrow's to Come.
Rick
2. Discovered that I actually love living on my own. The only thing that would make it better is if DH were here.
3. Adopted my precious angel cat, who acts more like a person than an animal. I swear she can understand everything I say!
4. Gotten involved in ceramics again. Made new friends at the same time, which opened up going to concerts, etc.
5. Playing bingo. Was with friends, but now go alone. Doesn't bother me.
6. Acceptance with my DH's death and rediscovering the independent me.
7. Only worries wanted are me, the house and the cat. Otherwise, I am burnt out.
1. Strenghtened my relationship with my granddaughter
2. Produced a Christmas play with my daughter
3. Travelled for business and pleasure
4. Slowly getting used to being alone. I like the word solitude better