Marie,
I'm only at 4 months and have changed very few things here of Mark's. His tennis shoes are still on his side of the bed where he always left them - most of his shirts are still hanging up. I did part with some of his clothes that a friend of his daughter needed and could wear, but most everything else is still the same. I'm sure that I will be able to put things away - or change things in due time, but that time isn't here yet.
Chris

You're not the lone ranger. Scott passed in July '09 too, and his clothes are all still here. The only thing I've parted with is his motorcycle...and that was because IT needed to be ridden. I start going through things and end up just refolding and straightening our the dresser drawers.

hi Marie
there is no right answer on this, other then what is right for you. i have been letting things go in small batches, when i feel i can let things go. certain things i will keep forever.
just follow your own heart.
hugs
judi

Its a process that takes a while. I'm at month 11 and have some things cleaned out. Got the bathroom stuff cleaned out but just can't part with his cologne. I bought a new dresser, so i got some clothes cleaned out, but i cried hard when i threw his sox away. A lot of it is reorganizing rather than getting rid of. Go at your own pace and don't worry about where you think you should be.

Will be 4 months on the 10th for me. I have gotten rid of a lot of my things. But have not moved anything of his. I can not bring myself to do that.
Cie

You are so right. I knew I had to do this but it didn't make it any easier.

Do you by chance remember the first responders to Chernobyl?

I was like that. Only a few items at a time. Then I had to get away. Each shirt had a memory - everything had her smell.

Our house is small (I just called it "our" house) and I need any available space that I can find. What was "our" closet is now mine. My shirts hang.

My experience throughout this is to pace yourself. Just when I think I'm in charge I get butt kicked by this harsh reality. It's humbling and painful - but we gotta go through it.

I still have "the drawer."

That's where I've sorted things that are sacred..some funky earrings, her nail polish..letters to me and her kids. I'm in no hurry.

There is no urgency in the matter of grief. It has its own agenda.

I haven't done anything with my hubands things either. But waht I plan to do is put "things in a tote, let my kids worry about it when I'm gone. And his clothes, I'm going to have memory quilts made out of them when I'm ready.

When everyone was coming at me with the "I wants" I said, "ok, I am startin with the underware." No takers - go figure but it made me laugh so that I could get rid of some of the small stuff. (not cologne though)

I used my angry moments to run up and grab a shirt (or whatever I felt was a hard at the moment) and got rid of it.

It has been a long process for me and that is ok. Truth be known, I am over the 2 yr. mark and I had this calming presence that guided me to take down 2 of his pictures this week and yet there are 2 drawers that hold somethings I am not willing to let go of yet.

Peace to you with each step you take!

At 11 months I have done very little. Most of his footwear is gone. I have kept his slippers and slop around in them. From shoes I think I will graduate to underwear and socks. There are no rules here. I think that I will do the best if I just go little by little. I plan to make quilts out of his shirts but have not got up enough nerve to take scissors to them. Maybe i can get somebody else to cut them up. I just can't do that now.

I agree with the other posts---take your time--there's no one clocking you on this---or if they are, you don't need them. Jeff has been gone almost 16 months, but still has his side of the closet, 4 drawers, his sink (with cologne and toothbrush), and his side of the bed. I always used to wish I had a little more room in the bed, but now I can't bring myself to sprawl out, so I have a bunch of pillows on the top of the bed on "his side". I'm not saying any of this is "normal"---but it's normal for me and that's all anyone can expect from each of us. My own philosophy is --when in doubt, don't throw it out". There are so few things related to losing our spouses that we have any control over, might as well enjoy this one....yes, sometimes seeing the things makes me sad, but more often it brings me comfort. When that's no longer true, I'll pass them along, but for now I'm glad to have those small connections I can hold onto when I need them. Be patient and kind with yourself---we're all new at this. CJ

Hi Marie, to tell you the truth I still haven't and its been 2 years now. I don't know if I will ever have the courage and strength to do it. I keep telling myself thasn on my next day off and then I find myself just forgetting about. I guess I feel that it is going to be too painful so I've been putting it off and still don't know when and if it will happen.

As with everything else, we need to go at our own pace. I think it was the 2nd summer b4 I let my niece help me take some of his clothes to a place that takes gently used clothes. His old workclothes, that no one else would want, are still in my laundry room on the shelves that they have stayed on for years. His things that were on top of the dresser, some still are - just in another bedroom, not ours. I couldn't look at that stuff. Some is in boxes. Eventually, it will all be dealt with in one way or another. May be when I'm gone too. His closet is cleaned out and looks so very sad and empty.

Just know it is up to you when you do anything.

Hugs, Joely

It has been two years and I still have not gotten rid of my husbands clothes. They are stil in the closet and in his drawers.. There is no set time, just what feels right to you.
The first week after my dad passed away(June 11,2010), my mom wanted to get rid of everything. Now after two months she is holding on to everything.

Chris
Phil 4:13

Marie,
it will be 11 weeks this Friday since bigbear died and this is what I have done so far: I've gotten rid of all his prescriptions, have his clothes packed up in boxes (still sitting in the bedroom until I get enough ambition to haul them to the car, but his suit he wore when we got married is still in the closet), wondering what to do with his electric razor that's only been used twice, papers, papers and more papers......not sure what to keep and what to shred...calls have been made to a lot of different people and every day it seems like I find out I need to call another person. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time, doing what bigbear and I talked about, what he wanted me to do after he was gone....his biggest priority was for me to get on with my life, to continue living and that is what I'm trying to do. It's not easy, I miss him soooooooooo much... but I'm doing, I feel cheated, scared, alone, wondering if I'll be alone for the next 30 or so years, mad at his doctor, mad at couples, mad at people who are indifferent to their spouse...and knowing when it happens to them they will be distraught.

This is just my way of working through this time in my life, but there is NO right way or wrong way to do things, everyone has their own time table, when to do all the various things that have to get done...lol...or just leave it for the kids to do later.

I hope you find some peace, hopefully the hurting will dim with time, cry when you feel like it, laugh when something is funny, continue to love and miss your spouse and DO ALL THIS IN YOUR OWN TIME, not when others think you should or shouldn't.
If they haven't walked in your shoes, they don't have any idea what it feels like or what they would do or wouldn't do.....take care, Sandi

I got a lot of advice soon after Susan died. Among those, one that still applies is "don't make any rash decisions for the first six months."

Unfortunately some chores must still be faced, and cleaning closets, dressers and memories is another painful part of the process.

I've noted the sentiments of a couple of comments here that brought a smile - the cologne or perfume? I cannot part with these. They will always be a part of "us." I can move on from old jeans and tired shirts but that half empty bottle of Clinique Aromatics Elixir is going where ever I end up.