Hi,

So sorry about your loss. It is just horrible.
My Scott died 11 weeks ago . He died suddenly at 55. this site really helps.
We feel your pain and ache.
Take it slow,
Kathy

Hi & welcome to the group no on wants to be in. You found the right place, keep reading you will see we all are going through the same things. It's no fun at all, very hard work being a widow. If we can help in any way just let us know. Someone will have a answer.

It will be 2 yrs for me in Sept, I hate every second of this journey, its been a very hard road to travel. I still feel like I am walking uphill, it hasn't gotten much easier for me. I still can't believe it has happen.
Hugs,
JoAnn

and unlike the real world, here you can talk about your loved one, all you want....in the real world they atart to avoid you.... or give you advice on getting on with your life.....

Right Sandee. One's friends, neighbors or family can only take so much of what bums them out.They don't know how to deal with it. In the beginning, everyone is there or calling you. Shortly after that you get "call if you need anything." The calls and the visits drastically reduce to practically nothing. Life goes on for them, where ours has more or less stopped. We have to find a sense of self again. At the hospital, I said to one of the hospice nurses "just how am I supposed to go on??" Her reply was "you just do." So I have to figure out (as I'm sure we all) how to reinvent a life at 58 years old. People say things like "just get on with it" because they are at a loss for words. If we could just get on with life, we'd be doing that. Guess that's why we're all here.

Welcome, this site is great, it has been so helpful for me. I tried a group at church and it made me feel worse. I feel like here we can share anything and everyone gets it.

Hello Girldawg, Your avatar with your dog made me smile. I have am Eskie who is almost 11 & has really helped me during my sadness. Their unconditional love is so healing, and he never says the wrong thing :)

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you find the support and encouragement here with us that you need. I'm one of those further along in my grief, or you could say, have been going through it longer. It will be 7 years tomorrow (Saturday) since my husband died. He passed on the Friday before Fathers Day. And yes, today is the friday before Fathers Day. Is it easier? Not today.

But overall life is worth living again and it's worth the fight to find who this woman is when her husband is no longer here and her children are adults with their own life.

We were married forty years before he was diagnosed with lung cancer . Two kids who met in high school and grew from friends to lovers. The people here got me through the bad times, cried with me, understood me, and gave me hope when I felt hopeless.

I am one of the Community Leaders, hence the blue box by my avatar, along with Cliffskat and Marjoe. We are here to be your friend and to be available for any concerns you have about the site. Feel free to message us for any reason or alert us of any problems you may have. First though, know we as the other people with us do 'get it.' Sharon

Thanks Sharon. Ya'all on this site have been helping.

I am also new at this... My husband died on Mother's Day while driving the car with my 15 year daughter in it. He said he just had to pull over real quick and went up an embankment. He died instantly from atherosclortic heart attack at the early age of 40. He was very healthly and active, no signs of any symptoms and went to the doctor yearly. He left me behind at 38, a 15 year old daughter, a son 7 and another son that is 20 months. He was the stay at home dad and took care of the house. Life is completely upside down! Here today, gone tomorrow literally.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is some light ahead of you. My husband died suddenly 13 months ago and some days it feels as tho it just happened but other days are good. I've made progress and I feel better, it never goes away it just gets different you learn to live with it. Go to a grief counselor it helped me alot, it still does because I still go. It's a place you can talk about him and cry all you need to cry. Please hang in there, it will get better.

Our stories are very similar, I too lost my husband to Pancreatic Cancer but it was a year ago, he was 54yrs old. He suffered with it since 2009 but it wasn't discovered until Feb 2011. I just had a melt down today but my advice is to take one day at a time, and doing only what must be done because you'll need to conserve your energy. I'm so sorry for your lost. God Bless! Phyllis

Hi Phyllis. I'm so sorry. All cancer is tough, and PC being one of the tougher. Medicine doesn't have much to offer you. Yea, I would say my husband had problems for about 18 mo. before he finally went in and was diagnosed. One of the worst things is watching the essence of your loved one gradually fading away. Between pain, fear, sadness about leaving us behind, all the painkillers - well, didn't take long and it just wasn't him in there anymore. Oh there were elements of him here and there, but his whole personality, our relationship, everything changed. We even moved toward the end to try to make things easier. But we both held out for that miracle until the bitter end. The miracle that never came. I pray for the breakthrough cure that may help someone else. God bless.

The promise is you will heal from grief w/lots of grief work ~
With that said, it is imperative to get the brain out of survival mode into growth mode ~
The brain has only 2 modes: growth & survival ~
You are automatically slammed into survival mode when grief is present ~
This is the reason suggestions for "recreating" one's life seem impossible & ridiculous at the present time aside from not having the energy. That info is mostly for healthy people (not experiencing a traumatic event) wanting a change or looking for a different purpose or meaning, etc~
What you need to know is your life is in "Transition" ~
This makes a big difference when choosing self help books ~
For myself, I learned what was best for my needs were Information on How To Heal Grief & Transition ~
Just remember, one must be (ready) in growth mode to comprehend & absorb the information ~
Survival mode causes Widow Brain (fog); it can & will complicate learning & most times over ride it due to the fear, sadness & uncertainty it produces ~
Be present to grief to resolve these issues first by building your *Self Esteem* ~
Prove to yourself [only] that you are a valuable person who deserves your utmost compassionate attention by taking care/nurturing good health, presence to your grief & loving yourself~
Talk nicely to yourself ~
If you feel guilty about anything, prove to yourself that you are not responsible for whatever it is or what you think you may have done~
Accept responsibility for bad decisions & FORGIVE yourself ~
Pamper yourself ~
Acupuncture, accupressure & therapeutic massage are good to relieve grief (not cure); each one releases stress & allows grief to discharge, to flow w/out gut wrenching ~
For other symptoms, these might be helpful as they were for me; all items can be purchased at Wal-mart for one stop shopping:

1.) Body pillow - to hold onto
2.) Nutrition drinks (Boost, Ensure, etc) - to maintain good health &/or don't feel like eating or cooking ~
3.) Tylenol PM or Ibuprofen PM - to help get to sleep, to relieve aches & pains from depression &/or headaches
4.) Complex B sublingual - to wake the brain either from natural grogginess or produced from sleep aides ~
5.) Smart Water or Gatorade - to replenish Electrolytes depleted from crying ~
5.) Pepto Bismol - for nausea
6.) Pure dark chocolate - for serotonin (good mood hormone) ~
7.) Grape juice - is an anti-oxidant ~
8.) Avoid large doses of public/social activity to prevent your body from shock; going into red alert; shields going up (physicolognic defense mechanisms) - it can cause unsafe driving, vulnerability, anxiety attacks, etc ~
9.) Always limit caffeine & fatty foods (I hate carrots, it was enough that I accidentally dyed my hair orange, just thought I'd say that) ~
10.) Try to exercise even alittle bit of walking to discharge toxins ~
11.) Cry to also release toxins ~
12.) LOVE YOURSELF ~

Hope this helps ~

I'm sorry for your loss.

You will find your own way and no doubt you will pick up some tips from the board - there is no one way through grief and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

re the recommendations above - one of the bits of medical advice is harmful

"3.) Tylenol PM or Ibuprofen PM - to help get to sleep, to relieve aches & pains from depression &/or headaches"

Please only use these for pain relief / inflamation when required not as sleep medications.

If you use these medications frequently it is likely to upset your stomach or in extreme cases cause liver damage.

Neither Ibuprofen or Tylenol is actually any good for sleep - Ibuprophen PM and Tylenol PM also contain diphenhydramine which does make you sleepy.

So if you need a sleep aid you can buy diphenhydramine on it's own over the counter.

In extreme cases, Tylenol, Ibuprofen & aspirin can cause liver damage from overdose & extended use beyond the recommendation labeled on the bottle ~
So, yes, you can take each a sleep aid &/or painkiller individually for whatever your need ~

Personally, I used Tylenol PM, Ibuprofen PM or Excedrin PM b/c I lived w/pain 24/7. Sometimes, I just had to put my pain body to sleep to reset my brain when it was overwhelmed ~
The choice of which to use was based on the bottle I could get the safety cap off of w/out the use of a meat cleaver ~ *wink*

My advice/suggestions are from my own tried & true methods for relieving active grief & in conclusion healed from grief w/peace, happiness, harmony & a fly swatter ~ *wink*
Everything is for you to pick & choose from; whatever skills/tools you want handy for your grief toolbox ~
Take care ~
____________________________________________________
*Healing is through interpersonal work big & small* ~ME~