Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am new to this. My husband just passed away night before last. We were married for 17 years. (I have to admit there were many unhappy ones toward the end. ) I had been working toward a divorce a few years back and was trying to get up the nerve to tell him again...but there was always another issue or set back and I again felt guilty and put it off.
I do realize now that alot of our problems did arise because of him feeling so bad--- also, add to the mix his dad was not exactly a good role model. I do now understand that he did love me as best he knew how.
We had very little communication, no physical touch or affection and I had absolutely no help with anything for the last 12 or so years. (Even when he was able to do little things, he didn't and after working 40 hrs I would come home to having to wait on him hand and foot plus do all around the house. I am ashamed to say I did grow resentful, but still continued.) One day he just shut down -- both emotionally and physically. I tried to do the same, but to me was no way to live.
Inspiteof everything, i really did love him. Thursday night I had to call 911 to help him get . Seeing him struggle and get more upset and being unable to help him-- then watching as 5 EMTs would help him onto their chair and upright and strapped in while they tried to monitor and calm his breathing and heart rate was very hard. He begged to not go to the hospital . He told them bad things happen at hospitals. (I think now he may have known he would not come home) They tried to put him comfortably back in bed (as they couldn't take him against his will) Once they got him spread out on the bed, as they continued to speak to him, he would become non responsive. (Fluid went back to his heart.) In the ambulance they did revive him and then again at the hospital, but it was too late.
NOw I do remember our good times , as well as our struggles, that pleading look on his face and then the silence and peace on his face as I held his very cold hand and said good bye. I find myself missing even the little things he did that annoyed me . May he rest in peace. (and I make it through his service on Monday night)
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
One of the best gifts we give ourselves is the right to grieve openly and knowing you are steadfast in your hope to a successful management of the service Monday night, you're not alone in this.
When I was a very young woman, I thought by the time people divorced they must not love one another. How naive I was! I had come close to leaving my husband some years before he died, and had started making plans to again. I loved him. But I could no longer come home and just deal with his constant bad mood, the physical clutter and mess at home (which he never helped with) and the fact that he would and could phone various friends and acquaintances and be pleasant and cheerful with them, but not with me. He picked fights. Even if I agreed with him, he'd change sides mid-conversation. For about the last two years, I literally didn't speak unless spoken to. If he noticed, he never said anything.
The very day I came to that decision,I came home and he told me to sit down, and told me he had lung cancer.
The end was mercifully fast. He had a pulmonary embolism that caused his death six weeks after his diagnosis. Even though I had planned to leave, I was devastated. I realized in time that the man I missed, the man I married, had started disappearing long before he died.
It truly is hard though because ( as you say) we started to lose the men we married long before they were physically taken. I did love him ( and even though the resentment did build) I am hoping he did know that. I think he did as he did tell me he was glad I was there for him and sorry when he did snap or had to ask for so much help.
Tonight is the service and I am just counting down the hours til it is here and past. The thing is , I know it will put the finality into this. This is so very hard.
I am blessed to have found and made many friends on here (some I am closer to than my own family.) I believe it is the bond that does bring us all here...where we hurt, we help, and (with a lot of faith and help) we heal our hurting souls.
Thank you all.