Just remember that it is ok not to be strong enough today. We are all here for you, and we understand how difficult each and every day is. Be kind to yourself today, you can let yourself fall down, try and get up tomorrow. Sending hugs.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I totally understand.

My Morey became sick on March 25th 2013 and died on April 11th. He would beg me to take him home, "just back the car up to the door, and I'll get in." This is what he would say to me over and over again. I will NEVER forget his plaintiff cries to me.........My hero, my rock, my man became a child crying for me to help him......I couldn't and the hurt in my heart stings my eyes EVERY DAY!

Roz

I am sorry for your pain Fuchsiasky - your post brought back the nightmare my wife and I found ourselves in with her pancreatic cancer and my tears were forming. Because I am at work, I had to not go there because that time is way to painful for me. And what I do is my very best not to revisit that terrible 1 month leading to her terminal diagnosis and then the 4 months after before she died. There is nothing I can do to change it all now, and my revisiting those terrible memories takes me back into a deep dark place that does me no good. Distractions work for me, thinking of something else, remembering the wonderful years we had together, how she loved me and I loved her. That is the only way I know how to keep moving forward. Somewhere out there is a new life for me, and I try my best to pick and choose only the good memories. God bless and comfort you in this your time of need. ~~~ Scottie

I've spent my day trying not to cry. I just made it through a concert at work with the saddest music ever! I sat in the back, played on my phone and just cried. I hope no one noticed. If they did they just ignored it. I appreciate that. Sometimes I just want to curl up and not have to worry about others reactions.

But it has been noticed that I am super sad by my friends and family. They keep sending me hugs which I totally appreciate. At the same time they are all really worried. Which makes me feel bad for making them sad. I wish I didn't have so much guilt for making others sad. I want to be ok for them. But I can't be. All I can do is survive today...and tomorrow...and the next day.... Oh god there are so many ahead!

I still don't know how to live without him. Its been 5 and a half months and I still just want him back!

fuchsiasky,I feel your words "I still just want him back!" I find myself saying, no, insisting, I WANT HIM BACK, I WANT HIM BACK! This is all wrong. He should be here. No, this can't be! It's not right!

We are all in such emotional pain from the loss of our loved one. I stopped going to one support group because I came to the realization "he is not coming back no matter how many tears I shed." Today was having breakfast with a friend who is married and for some reason the tears started coming. She spoke some encouraging words to me, but in my heart felt she doesn't get it. The loneliness, the despair, the images of my husband dying from cancer, the house I have to care for by myself... Just glad the month of March over with since it is e month he died and our anniversary month. Much peace to all, a day at a time.

I understand how you feel when you relive all of the traumatic events and can't really get it out of your mind. My grief counselor said that if we get really stuck on certain images and keep reliving them, it might be PTSD. Needless to say, we on this site have all experienced terrible trauma, but if our trauma turns into PTSD, we may require a more specific type of counseling, that might really help. Our minds and our emotions can only handle so much, and asking for help is a great thing if we need it.

I was pondering PTSD actually. I wonder if there is such thing as a post traumatic grief disorder. Cause it isn't stress that's getting me. Its the sadness.

I really really need a good counsellor. But I'm waiting for the life insurance so I can afford it. Insurance companys are a special kind of evil.

I agree with you about life insurance! It's not that mine took a long time to come- but it was about them cooperating with the funeral home or giving me any information about the policy in the first few weeks. Although the insurance premium was taken out of my check each week- I had forgotten how much the policy was for...

And I do believe that some of us suffer from some form of PTSD, or something related to it. I am better now (I think) but early on I was purposely reliving the Bernie's death. I guess I was trying to make sense of it.