Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly. We were getting ready for bed on an ordinary Tuesday night, and a blood clot hit his heart and he was instantly dead. I was so traumatized at the time that I could not accept visitors to my home, I could not be with anyone except my children and grandchildren. I wanted to have a private family service, but my children wanted a memorial where his friends could gather to say goodbye. The memorial was beautiful. But at the time I was suffering from such trauma and anxiety that I could not have a funeral dinner. We had a small reception for family only in the basement of the church, and I could not stay long even for that. It's been over two and a half years, and for awhile now I have been haunted that I didn't give my husband the going away he deserved. He was very social and people loved him. I feel I cheated him and made my family look bad. A friend's husband passed away yesterday. They are having the traditional wake, funeral and dinner. This has brought my guilt to the forefront. I am feeling as bad today as the day after my husband died. I just needed to let this out. I can't go back in time. I still suffer from extreme anxiety, so I don't know if I could do the right thing even if i could go back. I know this is a strange post, but I thought maybe just one person here would understand. Thank you.
Linda
When my husband passed away 10 weeks ago, I had a lot of guilt and regrets. He was very ill and I was his caregiver at home. I felt guilty over so many things.....things said and unsaid. Decisions that could have been made differently for him haunted me. I felt guilty because I wasn’t at his bedside when he passed. The hospice grief counselor came to my home and I told him all of my feelings. He said to me...”How would Donn feel and what would he say if he were sitting here and listening to all you have said?” I knew immediately that my husband would take me in his arms and forgive me and love me. That was truly a turning point in my deepest regrets.
What would your husband say to you? Would he want you to be sad over not having a dinner in his honor? My guess is that he would tell you he loves you and that it was a very hard time for you and to not worry about it!
Maybe on the anniversary of his death, you could have a memory dinner and invite his closest friends. Have them to write down some of their favorite memories of him and assemble them into a book along with photos. This would be a wonderful thing for your children and grandchildren to have. There are a lot of different ways to honor a loved one’s memory. But don’t feel like you must do anything else. Each of us are different and grieve in different ways.
It would help if you could talk to someone openly about your feelings. I attend a Grief Support program that is helping me and giving me coping skills. There are people attending that lost their spouse more than 10 years ago. One person never dealt with the grief when his brother died unexpectedly 2 years ago. So he is seeking help now. I found this group by going to griefshare.org and simply putting in my zip code. The website explains what to expect and gives you places close to you that have this program. I hope you will check it out.
This is a great place to vent your feelings too. It has helped me to share my grief and to read what others are feeling too. We truly understand one another here. I hope you will find some forgiveness for yourself and help with your grief. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you......Linda
http://festivalofflags.org/blogs/blog-entries/3/About-Farewells/32/How-Does-a-Celebration-of-Life-Differ-from-a-Funeral.html
If you look back and you still feel you can't do it, then you really can't do it. It doesn't matter what everyone else does or think, as they don't apply to your feelings or situation. You really didn't have much time to process the passing at the time of the funeral. Also, everyone grieves differently - it is a chore to put on a happy face to make others comfortable when it is the last thing you are feeling inside.
As for the feeling that you have failed him. No - don't look at one event as the whole body of work. In the end we only remember how the other person made us feel and not counting scores of what have you done me right or wrong. You are not your best friend if you do that to yourself.
Gabrielworld and Linda, you're so new to this pain, yet you took the time to reassure me. Linda, we do have a local griefshare. I went to it a couple of years ago. It might be time to revisit it again. Rain, as always you have an idea that might be helpful as well as strong words of advice. Bless you all.
Linda
Warm hugs,
Linda
He said "I forgive you for bringing me here." I said "Why?" He said " You'll figure it out." And I did, but later. We do what we think is best for them and ourselves... and sometimes we don't because of fear. Your trauma and anxiety prove how you love him. God be near you.