Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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dlacosta 08/19/2017

It's now been 4months and 16 days. I keep thinking I'm going to come home and find him there. Of course it's not gonna happen. I'm so depressed, angry, sad. I can be in a room full of people who love me and still feel so alone. I'm about to be a grandma for the first time and feel so sad he's not here to enjoy it with me. He really wanted a granddaughter. He will never hold her, kiss her and do all the things Grandpas do. It so unfair. Im so overwhelmed with guilt that he's not here. I know it isn't my fault, but still the guilt. I have a hard time when my daughter calls me crying cause she misses her dad. I can barely handle my own grief let alone try to help her through hers. That also makes me feel guilty. Like I'm a bad mom. I just so lost. I walk around the house not really doing anything. Then I sit and cry. The weekends are the worst. We did everything together. Now I spend my weekends crying, yelling and crying even more.

Cavewifelost 08/19/2017

Oh, diacosta! Please don't overwhelm yourself with guilt! You said yourself that you have nothing to be guilty about. This is not your fault and you need to focus on your grief right now. Your daughter's pain is not your pain, and the best you can hope to do is commiserate with her. It's natural for a child to cry to their mother when they're in pain , but I hope she also understands the horrific pain that you are going through, and is trying to do her part to comfort you. I will not allow myself to feel guilty in any way about my husband's death. It wasn't my fault and I was there with him every step of the way. Every once in a while a "I wish I would have" or an " I wish I wouldn't have" tries to creep up on me, but I am quick to push them away. I was a good and loving wife to him. I cared for him and supported him and I loved him with all my heart , and he loved me back every bit as much. His life was happy in large part due to me, and the opposite is true for me. Try to focus on his love for you and how you made him happy. It doesn't make the grief any better, but it certainly helps to dispel any guilt. Be kind to yourself and I wish you all the best.<3 Anita

vwidow 08/19/2017

Maybe guilt keeps us engaged in thinking of our spouses the way memories/love does. It serves that purpose, even if it's false guilt.
I find myself repeating almost the same things all the time that my spouse said.
I know the feeling, like you're waiting for them, but over and over we have to face the hated fact that nothing we do will deliver them again to us. "To have and to lose." That's just the way that it is."

Suz1491 08/19/2017

I feel like he's away on a fire and will call and come home soon. But he won't, ever again. It hurts I know, but you need to try and move forward. I'm trying every day, won't you join me? Please do <3

Leelalulee 08/19/2017

My heartfelt prayers go out to you! I feel similar feelings. My husband died 4/12/2017. I emotionally unload my pain to my children and then feel as if I am a bad Mom because I can't put aside my pain and grief to protect them and help them heal. It is just so hard. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.

Lisa

dlacosta 08/20/2017

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and love. - Debra

kurt 08/21/2017

Hi Debra,

I feel for you. Im only 26 and lost the love of my life 2 months ago. We were in a car accident and I was driving. I live every day feeling guilty because I miss him so so much. Please allow yourself the appropriate time to feel every single emotion you need to feel to get through this. Its hard, I know.. Weekends are hard for me too because those were the days we would spend all our time together. I wish this particular day we had stayed home and watched movies on the couch and fell asleep. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that nothing I do will bring him back.. But please feel free to come here and express yourself. Lets try and get through this terrible storm together.

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