Grief counseling is not supposed to be as you described. First, I would seek someone who is experienced in dealing with grieving the loss of a spouse. What you're feeling may be normal, but you also need help dealing with those emotions.

Counseling can be a great help to you, but you deserve the best and don't settle for less. Find a therapist that can help you. Sharon

I joined a grief sharing group. I'm still there. Like being on here It helps me to help support the others. [not that I can be a lot of help]. It's a thirteen week program that I can repeat. $20 for the book. Not all sections apply to me but thats ok.
The first or second meeting I fell completely apart, an 80 year old + gentalman took my hand and just held on. I needed that. I don't think one on one counseling would be as helpfull. Jalee and I were like an island, not a lot of close family. Talking to friends... I think in makes most of them uncomfortable and they just bear it untill I finish. I now have a handful of new friends who completely understand.

Counseling can be expensive, but what you are paying for is training and expertise - just like any other profession or trade. Sometimes an amateur is okay, but sometimes you need someone with better training. It is similar to what you can do yourself around your house and what you need to call in the licensed master craftsmen for. If you can manage it on your own, great! But if not, then maybe it's time to call in the experts. And just like a plumber or electrician, some are better than others at what they do, and the first one you get may not be a good fit or have the right training.

As far as the cost, there are ways to reduce that. I received my counseling for free through our Employee Assistance Program at work. My therapist was fully qualified and certified, licensed, etc. My older son also received his counseling for free through the same program as he was my dependent and so included. My younger son received his counseling for free from the school psychologist and school guidance counselor (he was a senior in high school).

Some churchs offer free or low cost groups. Your typical clergy will also offer pastoral care for free if you are a believer. If not a believer, check with your local hospice for what they offer.

I couldn't get to any groups - nothing was close - and my church didn't offer anything. I used my EAP therapist, DS, journaling, reading books, alternately praying and screaming at God (it's okay, He can take it), exercise, nutritional supports, talking with my sister, spending time with my sons, my cat (yes my furball was a big help!), and made the conscious decision that I did not want Cliff's legacy to be that his death destroyed me. That would not have honored him one tiny bit. Cliff would have been appalled if I had just given up.

What else have you tried besides being here??

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I have already posted on here about how horrible my first experience was with the original counselor I went to see so the first time is always hard. But I knew I had to find a neutral third party out there that I could tell about the things I saw going on or what has been happening after Ryan's death so that any opinion they formed were their own. I have a lot of people excuse away the actions of my in-laws as "you know how they are" or "they were never the brightest bulbs in the box" but this therapist really gets what they are doing to me and how they will probably pull away from me completely eventually. She helps with techniques for when I have panic attacks in large groups and she also helps me set boundaries with people in a straight forward way without being rude. My only concern is she wants me to join a support group and she told me I would be the youngest person in that group and then once I am done with that six week session to join the young widow/widowers group and I would be the youngest there as well. I am not sure how I can relate to that. Not that all those people are not grieving just like I am but there has to be a difference between Ryan and I would were together for 10 years and married for four verses someone who was married 30+ years with grown children or any children at all for that matter. While I grieve Ryan I also grieve the life we were supposed to be able to take a chance at.

I went to a grief counseling class at my church that was awful.. I am very private and they prodded me to talk constantly as my grief was so new. I tried two times, but it was just too painful.

I tried counseling a few months after my wife passed and the counselor started talking about how he felt when his grandmother died. I never went back. I think its important to find someone you can connect with who should help you work through your grief which I think is more than just listening.

I knew that I needed to work through some things but could not figure out where to go for awhile. I tried talking with a few family and friends but they could not receive what I had to say. I was not keen on the group idea. About 15 months after my husband's death a Catholic nun who was a trained counselor moved into the area. I decided that she was who I had been looking for. I went to her for only a couple of months and it was wonderful. She was a good fit, and because of her faith she understood the devastation that losing a spouse meant even though she had never been married. She helped me resolve a few things in my relationship with my husband as well as know how to deal with his family's cruelty. We were only able to meet for a couple of months because she had to move away, but it was very helpful for me. Got me out of the deep hole I was in and I haven't fallen back into it yet a year later. Had many ups and downs but nothing like the first 15 months.

My grief counselor that I saw for over 2 years, convinced my wife to divorce me. Not a fan! We were both widows, each losing our former spouses, so went together and separately. She ended up divorcing me. Working through both on my own now. Won't go to another one.

This is the thing - a grief counselor (or any therapist, for that matter) won't make the grief any easier. This is something we have to go through, in our own way. That being said, I went to a therapist for a year. The first thing he said to me was "you don't have to be a rock in this room". It was a relief just to be able to vent and cry to an objective ear, and one who would really just listen, not judge, and offer gentle suggestions, and more so, gentle questioning. it's effective and helpful, but you need to feel comfortable with that person. My 2 cents! (p.s., a lot of times I would walk out of that room in a sweat - it wasn't always easy, not at all).

I hope it works for you all that go. I'm not going again... I have plenty of people I can talk to. I don't care if they are objective or if it makes them uncomfortable.

My first grief support group was at my church. It was not a good fit. Maybe because I had been a member for 30 years. Someone told me about a church near my home. It was not Just a widow/widowers, but covered a variety of losses. I was so excited when I left. I had never met these people, but the bonding and the comfort in sharing was what I needed. It led me to seek out books to read and also to reach out to others who were going through. I have always journaled and continued to do that. It drew me closer to the Lord and I read "Jesus Calling" faithfully and the scriptures that accompanied it. I have been with this group for 13 months and we have seen each other grow stronger. My revelation in dealing with my grief losing my husband to Lung Cancer is to reach out to others who are hurting and encourage them as I have been. It has helped me to take away every moment of the day thinking about me.

The first counsellor I saw was too young and not experienced in traumatic situations or, I suspect, grief counselling (this was through my work). I only went to her once.
I have been seeing another counsellor for nearly 8 months. She's great. I can unload on her about anything and for me it's reassuring when she says I'm normal :)
For me, it's not a matter of whether others are uncomfortable- it's me and all about me and, as she's being paid, I can say anything and it doesn't go any further. If I'm struggling or going over stuff I can leave it with her and know it's not coming back later from family. They're still grieving too and I don't want to add my concerns to what they're going through.
Her technical knowledge and ideas also help.
I've reduced frequency from weekly to three-weekly or monthly but find it really helpful when key dates are coming up (and also, in my case, court dates). I know she's heard other stories before, and, because she didn't know my husband, she can concentrate on me. It may be selfish but it's the one place where it is "all about me" and I don't have to filter my thoughts or comments or worry about others.
It's certainly been good for me.

My counselor did much listening too. But I do find benefits of having her commenting on my progress of grief and her insight of my grief process compared with other clients of her. One major reason I want to continue to see her is that she frequently calls to ask my situation. I find that warm and comforting---someone cares about you.

I thought about joining a grief group, but I already have support here, and in my DBSA mood disorders group, which was a big help. I don't feel the need for a specific grief group.

Also finding a therapist who is a good match is a lot like finding a spouse. Just because that session was disappointing doesn't mean you can't find a different therapist with whom you have better chemistry, if you think that kind of therapy will help you. My wife was a psychotherapist, and she would refuse some clients whom she knew she couldn't help, like psychopaths. You are not a psychopath, by the way :)

Most therapists will be very cautious and conservative in the first session. She told you things you already know, that you are going through normal experiences after a loss. I think that saying she "couldn't do anything to make things better" is a problem, though. What you need now is hope that things can get better, eventually. If you still want to talk with a therapist, try someone different.

I got a good bit of help and inspiration from dcheramie's blog. The reason being we are a similar age. While I know the rest of you have grief just like me, the age difference is pretty vast and we are at different places in our own lives.

I found comfort in his writing to his wife. I read each posting and read his journey from where I am, now to finding a path to being happy, again.

I found that more helpful that just talking about it in a room with a stranger. I even started my own, after reading it. I think that's helping, too. I am still "talking" to my wife, in a way.

https://thegrievingwidower.wordpress.com/

If anyone's interested...