Have thought about going but figured it would end up like what happened to you..They are just paid to listen to us, at least on here folks really care and know what we are going through..We'll listen and understand and it's free...

Oh, dear. Sounds like she handed you a glass of water to put out your flames when you needed a firehose, my friend.
Yes, what you're feeling is likely normal... But knowing that does not necessarily help you process what you are feeling.
I encourage you to look in your community for any groups or individuals who specialize in grief work. Talk to the local hospital, perhaps even the funeral home who helped with your wife's final arrangements. If you have church or synagogue communities near by, they can help with recommendations.
I took a multi pronged approach - my own psychiatrist, who I've been seeing for years before, groups for parents and children to help my kids, Beginning Experience retreats, and then developing my own social group for widows and widowers in my community. I also read voraciously - Elisabeth Kbler-Ross, Alan Wolfelt, among others. It's all helped.
I know for some, groups can be daunting - but well run ones become safe spaces for all. Sometimes I just sat and listened - even knowing that others in my community were feeling the same things I was made me feel less alone.
I wish you more peaceful days ahead...know that I'm embracing you with my heart.
Hugs, J

My counseling was more like tasks and homework, and there were two other grieving widows along with the counselor, so we talked about ourselves a little each week (8 weeks total), and then the counselor had us read and discuss articles, write letters and read them aloud, practice meditation, etc all the while telling us that our feelings were all normal, and letting us know that this can be anywhere from a six-month process to a multi-year process depending on the individual. If you have a hospice organization near you, like Samaritan hospice, they have groups like this one, and it's only $40 for the entire 8 week session.

Themaster, I worked for psychiatrists/psychologists/social workers for many years. Everyone doesn't find a good fit at the first appointment.
And it's true that their job is to let the patient talk and to listen.

My best friend is a clinical social worker. When my husband passed I asked her what does she tell her patients who are recently widowed. She told me honestly that there's nothing to say. There are no magic words to make anyone feel better. It takes time, a lot of time. And you can't hide from the grief, you can't go around the grief, you can't postpone the grief ... you have to go through the grief. Day by day, hour by hour.

You're right that you have family and friends who will listen, but a lot of people prefer talking to a stranger, a therapist who may give you some coping skills, or a physician who could prescribe an antidepressant. Someone who will keep your conversations confidential.

I saw a therapist, too. He was a happily married man with pictures of his family on his desk. I would cry and he would listen. I realized he had no clue what it felt like to lose a spouse, so I stopped going.

Maybe you just need to find a good fit, someone you're very comfortable talking with, or a group?

Wishing you peace,
Janie

We'll see... I am willing to wait awhile, until I really need to do it. I wasn't even sure I needed to do it, yesterday, but I wanted to try it out.

I don't think grief counseling can do anything for you more then you can do for yourself. Write it all down, write letters, keep a journal, talk to friends and family. There is nothing anyone can do to make our loved ones come back and that all we want! I went a time or two and all I did was cry. I never get help with my problems, they are still with me.

My neighbor lost her husband 35 yrs ago and she says she still has meltdowns and crys for days. It just depends on us and how we deal with things. I know this isn't very encouraging but that's the way it is.
Hope you and all of us have better days ahead.

My counselling session at the beginning was pretty much the same except I listened to the counselor talk about herself and the lost of her grandmother. While I could sympathize it wasn't helping me and she wanted me to wait 6 months to join a support group. A lot of wrong turns can happen in 6 months when grieving . I opted to go back to the gym and work out to at least get some steam out, Needing something more I hired a personal trainer. It was great to punch a boxing bag but it still was not addressing my grieve and I was presenting a strong front to the world while crumbling inside. When the funeral home I used sent me an invitation to a bereavement group I decided to go. I questioned why I was doing so for the first 3 weeks but then something changed and my wall started to come down so that the grieving and healing could begin. Proper grieving is painful but then you can move forward . This was a group of people that had lost someone and while their were widows and widowers it was hard for me to comprehend or relate at first until I understood that we could al relate to the pain and the symptoms of grieve. When I lost my brother to suicide 10 years ago, one on one counselling did not work for me but in the bereavement group while dealing with the lost of my husband I was finally able to put to come to term with losing my brother.

My grief counseling was very helpful, but then I knew my therapist before Cliff died. I had seen her for other issues in my life, and once that previous therapy had concluded, we had become friends and socialized. In fact, when I called her to tell her that Cliff died and that I would need to see her again for counseling, when she got the message I had called she thought I was calling to set-up a lunch date. Anyway, for me it added a layer of trust so that I felt comfortable letting it all out in her presence. I screamed and cried, discussed my multitude of issues - anger, fear, hurt, shock, resentment - you name it. I needed the safe place away from my sons, my siblings, my colleagues.

It could be the one you saw simply is not a good fit for you. Another may be better for you. A group may be better, but given what you've said about yourself, I cannot see you in a face-to-face group, unless it was a smallish group. Or it may simply be that you are not at a point where you are ready to work with a therapist. And it is work - it is not an easy ride, that's for sure. They cannot take your pain away. They can help you find the strength within so you can handle it.

Perhaps it is too soon for you. Maybe one thing you could try instead would be to read some books and do some journaling. I can highly recommend "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. I read a handful of grief books, and that was the one that really helped me, I had several "aha!" moments reading it. It was almost like a step-by-step guide to dealing with it all. Your public library may have it as it's been out a few years now, and I think you can get it for Kindle and ereaders.

There is no one, singular thing that will make it all okay. There is no magic bullet for this. Grieving hurts. Losing your spouse is a personal emotional disaster - the psychological equivalent of a Category 5 hurricane, a tornado, a 9.9 earthquake, and a tsunami all rolled into one. It is going to take a lot of different pieces to put your life and your well-being back together.

Therapy can be one part of that tool kit, as can journaling, exercise, prayer or meditation, pets, socializing, volunteer work, joining a group, going on a retreat, and reading books on grief. Each of these things helps, but none of them on their own will be enough.

I have been a widow for 7 years and 5 months. My life is pretty good now, and I have mostly okay days. I still cry sometimes. How can I not cry sometimes? I will always love Cliff and miss him, and I know my sons do, too. But at the same time, I know in part from the passage of time that I will be okay and the tears will pass, and furthermore that it is perfectly okay for me to cry sometimes. People die, love doesn't. There is a peculiar kind of self-confidence one gains from having survived through the firsts, the seconds, the changes, etc. You know you can get through it because you already HAVE gotten through a lot.

Even you have gotten through a lot, in a short space of time. Give yourself some credit for that.

If you feel like you are drowning and nothing is helping, then please talk to your doctor. You may need a short-term prescription for medication. There is no shame in that. As I say, you have had a major disaster, you might need the extra help to pick up the pieces and keep going.

Sorry your first try at therapy didn't work out. Don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

That's why I never gone. I don't think it would have helped me. I have the kind people here. I would much hear from those here about our common things and how people cope with them. It's not to say some therapy might not be needed if the depression gets too bad. If that's the case then yes please seek help. I have never needed to have any meds, I have been lucky i guess.

Come here to talk as often as you want, we are here.

Jeff

Interesting as I went to my first Grief Therapy counselor yesterday as well. I did a lot of talking and she did a lot of of telling me I was doing really well. I walked out feeling I really did not get anything out of the hour we spent together. She suggested I book another app't in 3 weeks so see where I am at. In fairness I agreed because the first visit was her just getting to know me. However if the next visit I feel the same way, I will not make a third app't. She is book learned and has really no idea how it feels to loose a husband. I doubt she was even 30 years old. I mentioned this site and I receive Far more from the messages here than anywhere else! I probably would recommend this site over Grief Therapy to anyone who unfortunately finds themselves walking in our shoes.

@Martha - I agree wholeheartedly with your recommendation of this book "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld.

Coincidentally I just bought this book last week, and it is the best and most comforting book I've read out of the many grief books that I've bought. It's easy to read, and there's also a handbook that goes with it too.

Personally, I don't find counseling offers much help. The local hospice offers "loss of a spouse/partner" support groups. All their support groups are held at the hospice. I never want walk into that place again and going back to that same building, reliving all the memories of my husband's last days there is the last thing I want to do.

I'd rather be on my own.

I'm surprised so many people are saying they don't get much out of the counseling, because it has definitely been an important part of my grief process. I go once a week, and I look forward to it each time.
True, my counselor doesn't do too much, but I find it helpful that I have somebody I can go be 100% honest with, and let out all the things I keep in while trying to act normal. Additionally, I think my counselor helps me sort through my mess of emotions in my head, and steers me away from negative thinking patterns. Also, I guess it helps that I saw my counselor before my husband's death. But my overall advice would be to see if you can find someone who is a better fit, whose responses encourage you and make you feel strong.

I'm going to try the hospice society...whether it helps or not remains to be seen...but if it doesn't, at least it's free.

That's just it. I don't need to pay someone to listen to me. I can talk to people, for free...

For me grief counseling was a huge part of my healing process. My first experience was exactly like yours. Nice lady who listened(what a waste of time and money). Second counselor outstanding. Also would listen, but also gave me her input, sometimes challenged my thinking, directed me to resources. Every session I pulled something away that helped in the journey. I also used grief support groups and DS to compliment the healing process. Everyone is different in what works for them.