Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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avmom 04/27/2017

I have a question regarding children and grief. My husband died six weeks ago. He was in the hospital for almost two weeks and at hospice at home for two weeks. We have three sons, and 19 year old and 15 year old twins. While he was still in the hospital they had given him 48 hours to live. The doctor told me I should bring the boys in so they could say their goodbyes which I did. He stayed another 4 days in the hospital before they sent him home. I sat down with the boys and explained the situation, their father was dying and it was just a matter of time, I had no idea when. When he did passed they cried a bit and a little more during this service. 6 weeks later and they really don’t mention him at all.

My boys don’t seem to be affected by it all and that worries me a bit. The oldest I can have an honest conversation with and he has told me he has days where he is sad but he says it is getting better. He goes to school and work and has a girlfriend so he keeps himself pretty busy. The twins are a whole other matter. I ask constantly how they are or if they are feeling sad or want to talk. They just both tell me they are fine. One of them was having so issues at school with his grades slipping right after their fathers death. I contacted the school and met with their counselor who brought them in so we could talk about what was going on. They offered some counseling which they both refused. My sister is a therapist who works with children but she lives in a different state. I had her talk to the boys separately while she was out for the memorial service. She said they seemed fine and that it might not hit them right away, it might even be a couple of years before it hits them. I looked into grief counseling for kids but I live in a small town and it just doesn’t have the resources. They have told me they would let me know if they wanted to talk to someone but I am not sure I believe that.

They are good kids and I have no issues with their behavior. There is no issues with the eating or sleeping habits. I just really want to make sure I do all I can and if that means just backing off I will. Has anyone else have experiences with their kids they can share?

Sylvia

Lisastp 04/27/2017

I am so sorry for your loss. My kids were 18, 20, and 23 when my husband passed away suddenly in 2014. I think for me the kids were mostly just trying not to worry me and not to upset me further by showing me how upset they were. They were being protective of me, so that might be what is going on for your kids. My one son has since gone to counseling because he was feeling overwhelmed with everything lately (but that was 2 years after his father's death before he went). I believe as long as they are sharing their feeling with someone, such as a friend or each other, that's the best you can hope for. If it turns out they lose interest in life, or become self-destructive, then that would be signaling that counseling might be the right step. But also, even though they don't mention their Dad to you, in my opinion, it's good for you to talk about their Dad to them, whenever a memory strikes you or especially if happy memories come to mind. That will show them that it's OK to speak about him and that it's good to do so when their Dad is on their mind.

Gatormom 04/27/2017

I am a recent widow myself. My dad died when I was 20, and I had a younger brother who was 17. The loss of a parent is a different loss than the loss of a spouse. We all grieve in our own personal way. As long as you aren't seeing any adverse effects, I think you can assume that they are processing their losses in their own individual ways. Boys especially aren't really into talking about their feelings. I loved my dad, and we were especially close. But at 2o I knew my dad would want me to continue to go on with my life and theirs would probably want them to also.

cliffskat 04/27/2017

I think sons do this more than daughters. Both my sons tried to hide their grief from me. It didn't help that people kept telling them that they "needed to be strong" for their mother - that was so harmful for them, but it is very typical of the sorts of stupid things people say when someone dies. My younger son didn't know that I knew he was getting counseling at school, and his guidance counselor and I agreed that it would be better if he still thought I hadn't found out. His older brother was very up front about needing counseling, and I got his through my work's Employee Assistance Program.

Guys will hide their feelings from their mothers. The other thing is that I know my sons talked to each other when they didn't want to talk to me about it. Your younger sons are twins, and from what I understand from the twins I have known, they are likely very close and comforting and helping each other.

My older son grieved right from the start. My younger son held it back and hid it from me for the most part until about 6 months out, and then he finally broke down and wept and wept in my arms like a little boy. The flood gates broke that day, and his healing started.

Is there anyone else in the family they can talk with? Sometimes my sons were more open with my sister than with me. Sometimes having another trusted family member or friend to spend time with and talk to can help.

As far as the school situation, it's better if the school is working with you on this stuff. My younger son's teachers were all advised that he was grieving and what to expect as he did so by the school psychologist. That was very important as he was under a lot of pressure (he was a senior when Cliff died), and when he hit the "anger stage" of grieving, he blew up at one of his teachers. That could have done a lot of damage to his academic record, but instead his teacher knew that it wasn't she that he was angry at - it was the unfairness of losing his Dad. Thank goodness his teachers were prepared.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

TooMuch 04/27/2017

my kids range in age from 5 to 16 and have all reacted in different ways. it sounds to me like you're doing everything you can. personally i am just keeping my eyes peeled for issues. for example my 9 year old was having lots of angry outbursts so i did start taking her to my therapist. my oldest was clearly dealing with some depression at one point so i pushed her to start seeing someone, and she is and is doing better now. i think as long as they are sleeping, eating, being social, basically being their normal selves you shouldn't worry or push the issue. i don't know but i feel like they will talk when they are ready. hugs.

Mamza 04/27/2017

My son,17, asked me to back off when I tried to arrange that he speaks to a counselor. He said he would ask for help if he feels he needs it. As a parent, you cannot help but worry about their well being. As Martha mentioned, I got mad when people told him to be strong for me a this, I feel puts unnecessary pressure on kids. All you can do is pray for them.

Good luck

Dynamaniac 04/29/2017

Hi avmom. I am so very sorry for your loss. Losing a spouse can be so difficult. And while death is never easy, losing a parent is the natural way of things. Children are supposed to outlive their parents. You've received some really good advice already and I really don't want to repeat anything. Just remember that there is no real "guideline" to grief. We all grieve in different ways. Keep an eye out for signs of difficulty and you'll and the boys will be fine. You've done everything conceivably possible and when the time comes for more, you'll know what to do. In the meantime, many blessings.

porkchopcash 04/30/2017

I am going through this with my oldest daughter. She doesn't seem to be unaffected, she seems to be in denial. She refuses to even mention her dad. She is 14, and bottles it all up. She has also refused counseling. Part of it may be their age. I worry about her so much.

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