Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 08/01/2011

OK, there, I said it. I am getting fat. I have to bring this monster of a conversation up, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not the only one with this problem. I seem to be able to solve every problem that comes us but this one. I feel that no one understands my particular situation.

Please if the subject of fat people annoys you, or if you want to hurl hurtful comments my way, please leave this post now. What I am looking for are some helpful solutions to my problem.

For many years I have been eating healthy - whole grains, skim milk, chicken w/o the skin, meat the portion of the size of a deck of cards, diet sodas only. I love outdoor work, pushing the lawn mower, digging, planting, on 3 acres. i do it all myself. I eat smallmeals with appropriate snacks in between.

When I think of the things that help me rise out of depression, seeing my little 4 yr old grandson, having dinner with my kids, friends at church, that all helps with my depression. And, yes, I am on meds for depression and have been for most of my life.

I went on Weight Watchers for a year, lost 30 lbs., wasn't happy. Always hungry, depression lurked. After I quit WW I slowly gained back the 30 lbs. But I was HAPPY eating what I call "normal" .

Now, finally, I will admit what my problem is. Sweets. I get cravings like an alcoholic gets, I suppose. I think I will go crazy if I can't get my sweets. I get in a frenzy. When I eat a couple of cookies, I feel happy. Sometimes, 2 pieces of pie. Sometimes, a large slice of cake. Sometimes a ice cream Blizzard. Afterwards, I am able to sleep like a baby, my mood is happy, and I feel GOOD. I have tried everything on the market like sugar free, WW desserts, etc. with no success. Also, I cannot walk in my neighborhood because it is not safe. I have to be very honest and say I hate excercise unless I am getting something good done, like cutting the grass, which I love.

I have been afraid to admit this problem even to God because I feel guilty about not having more discipline. But there is nothing that makes me HAPPY like sweets. I'm miserable enough without my husband and don't want to be even more miserable by having to count or limit my sweets. i never binge, like eating a whole bag of chips at one sitting, but I have to have my size portion to make me get that HAPPY feeling.

I know my health is at stake, but you know what? I don't care because I don't want to live very long anyway. I am ready to go anytime whenever God is ready for me.

I don't know if my body is made different that other people's, but I have fought this battle all my life. I will starve myself sometimes so I can get my sweets in.

I guess I am just venting, but if any of you have any ideas, please let meknow. Please don't lay guilt on me. I have enough of that already.

Thanks for listening to my deepest, darkest confession. It took a lot for me to write this down for all to read.

deleted_user 08/01/2011

I am someone who has had a life long weight probelm. I was a fat kid then in high school I was almost anorexic. My first husband called me fat when I wore a size 2. I worked out and starved myself to please him. When I married Gary he said he need to put some meat on my bones. He cooked and baked and I went from size 2 to size 16. He said he loved me having some weight. He wasn't skinny he weight 300 pounds.

I too am addicted to sweets. I think nothing of making dinner ice cream or cookies. Who needs nutrition. I have had this way of thinking for a long time...not healthy but keeps me happy.

These past 5 weeks since Gary has been gone I haven't had much of an appitite. I have been eating but not much and it seem right now I only want protien....a piece of cheese, a hard boiled egg...etc.

For a while in my past I worked at Jenny Craig. I know all of the tricks...like you said...small portions, etc. it just doesn't seem important. I don't have any health issues other than being (depending on who you lisen to) 30 to 50 pounds over weight.

I think for both of us any key to solving the issue is the old motto...everything in moderation. I know for myself the minute I say...no more sweets I will binge. I have lost 10 pounds in 5 weeks since Gary's death...not trying to loose, just really not hungry. So maybe for you it is only a few sweets a day and some healthy foods. For me maybe it is making sure I eat at least one meal a day and not make it thru a whole day on one hard boild egg.

In the end it is about being happy. We all deserve to be happy in the time we are here. As long as our being happy isn't hurtful or dangerous to others, I say go for it. Hope this helps. I'm glad you brought up the topic.

Sharon91 08/01/2011

i think the sweets gives us peace of mind if only for a moment.
i love ice cream,sweets were never a big deal when Danny was alive but now i crave that special feeling from cho cookies or a candy bar.
this is my little secret,my family doesn't need to know.
Hugs

michaelbmanning 08/01/2011

I think you may need to have your blood sugar checked as you say you crave sugar and you feel calm once you have the sugar in your system. There may be something more to this than just eating because you are sad. I have no idea how old you are, but metabolism changes as we get older and it becomes harder for us to drop the weight. I had 14 pounds to drop after the baby was born and I made a point not to eat deserts at all. That is hard when there are 4 other kids asking for cookies. Otherwise your diet seems okay. I would die without meat and pasta, so I know t=your frustration.

Maggie

deleted_user 08/01/2011

I think that admitting you have a problem is the first step - I wish you well on a very hard journey - so many people have weight issues. If you have children or people who depend on you - please don't wish for death - life is too precious to ever wish that - in my opinion. Think of how empowered you will be if you are able to overcome this ''addiction''. I agree with Maggie - I would get a full checkup. Also have them check your thyroid levels, I don't know how old you are, but menopause or perimenopause can play some real ''tricks'' physically and mentally too . I lost a lot of weight when Jerry died, some people have just the opposite reaction. I am sure you know that you are substituting love with food (goodies) - some people do that with alcohol, etc. Remember we are fragile now - we need to take baby steps with everything - I will not eat sweets for a day - I will eat them once a week - I will only eat a little, and so on. Good luck - this is a hard journey - just make sure it's not something physical that's affecting your habits. Best regards, Vicki

lovelos 08/01/2011

I know what you mean, I love my sweets. For me I sit here alone and find something to make me happy so I run to the store head right for the bakery section and buy some cake or something sweet. Thank God they sell it by the piece or I would buy the whole cake! While I eat it, it makes me feel so good, like I deserve this simple pleasure since I am so sad many days. After I eat it, I think of all the weight I lost caring for my husband. I was able to get off my BP pills and I don`t want to go back there. Lately I take a few tablespoons of fat free vanilla yogurt and a few tablespoons of frozen blueberries and mix it together. It is cold and sweet and satisfies that craving for me. So many of us are right there with you, hugs Lu Ann

cleodoggie 08/01/2011

I am a diabetic...so was Jim. It's no fun but I am able to eat some sweets if I watch it.. Please have your blood sugar checked. Diabetes may be your problem. Even if it isn't your eating like that is not good for you.

widowhoodsucks 08/01/2011

Right after my husband died, I lost a lot of weight. Now I am about 10-15 pounds more than I want to be. I find that I eat out of loneliness and boredom and just not motivated to exercise. I know that I need to get out of this rut. I keep telling myself that I am going to get in gear but the day goes by and I haven't done a bit of exercise. I think for anything to work, you just have to decide that you are going to commit yourself to a healthier life style and take it a day at a time. Good luck. I do know that I feel better when I do eat right and exercise. Its just so much harder when your older. Hugs. Barbara

deleted_user 08/01/2011

I always think of a quote by Katherine Hepburn "What you see is the result of a lifetime of chocolate". We are so sad after our losses that we induldge ourselves with whatever makes us feel better and chocolate does that for me.

gone2soon 08/01/2011

For the first couple of months after Melvin died I didn't have an appetite and lost about 20 pounds. My appetite has returned and I too have a sweet tooth for cake. Since I was on the road to losing I joined WW (again) to see if I could keep up the momentum. Its been an uphill struggle though but I press on. Whenever I feel down my first instinct is to go for something sweet, particularly cake as I am not much of a candy eater. Cake is my downfall and ice cream. So as you guessed many of us have that and cannot possibly lay guilt on you.

deleted_user 08/01/2011

I think Maggie had good advice. Make sure there's no medical reason for your cravings before you start changing your diet. My own story is the opposite of yours in a way. I was overweight for much of my adult life. When my wife got sick, she had to give up all alcohol and go on a restricted diet. I did it with her so we could have the same meals together and much of the extra weight came off. When my wife was hospitalized, I was too preoccupied with her condition to think much about food. Now I just want my weight to stay where it is, but I know it would be very easy for me to put the weight back on. I eat and drink pretty much what I want, but I'm careful about portions. I also have a big sweet tooth, so I absolutely understand what you're saying. I have found that depriving myself of something I really want just makes me want it more. For me, the key is to limit the amount of dessert that's available to me. I buy Haagen Dazs in the little single-serving cups. If I'm craving cake, I go to a bakery that sells cake by the slice or I buy a cupcake. For me, that's been working for a year now. I wish you the best. I know there's no universal weight plan that works for everyone.

NewRoadsForMe 08/01/2011

Thanks to all who posted! I think the best advice I got specifically for myself is the individual serving idea. I have been buying a whole cake, a whole pie, etc. and working on it for several days. Even if the small sizes cost more, per serving, I just have to accept that. I don't drink alcohol, so that's not a factor. I DO have a treadmill that I use not nearly enough. Thanks for all your kind remarks. I feel better and know I will have to work on the depression with my doctor. Also, it helps to know that I'm not a freak, that others struggle with this as well.

deleted_user 08/01/2011

My drug of choice since G passed is dark chocolate. That way I tell myself that it's full of antioxidents! In other words GOOD FOR ME! ;-)

When he passed, I, too, lost about 15 pounds. I remember people telling me then "you look great!", and me thinking....You don't want this kind of diet."

since I have put most of it back on, I think through the magic of dark chocolate. I HAVE to have it. figure it's better than the wine bottle? Sometimes both together!!! ;-)

I changed all cooking habits when G was sick. All no salt everything. Everything made from scratch literally. My blood pressure had never been better. No alcohol, the whole nine yards. Then when he passed, didnt care what i ate, or when I ate it. In fact, I couldn't eat anything for a while EXCEPT cookies, and candy. I think because it's more mindless. You can grab a bit of chocolate without thinking of it. Especially cookies.

I have a treadmill too, and hardly use it. I'm just starting Yoga because they say it's supposed to be good for those of us in the menopause state. Depending on your age, the hormones could be a big factor too. I know many women say they put on weight, and then when they are through with menopause, they lose it again. I hope that's true! I've only gained one size, but I DO FEEL IT!

Hugs to you, and I hope tests come out clean, and the rest falls into place for you. !!!

Diane

michaelbmanning 08/01/2011

I read through this again and I agree with the individual portion idea. If you have an IGA store in your area, they have "the slice of the week" for $.99. I bake my own treats for the kids because it would cost a mint to buy stuff for 4 of the 5. I use Splenda instead of sugar. The kids can't tell the difference. It measures the same as sugar and makes decent cake and cookies.

Maggie

deleted_user 08/01/2011

I tend to think that most women have a distorted body image...whether it is because of what fashion dictates...or other woman being catty-obsessed about weight (their own and others) I detest that we have became a society that judges another based only on the size of their jeans...not the person who fills them.

At my very heaviest I was a size 16...and weighed 189 lbs...at my very lightest adult weight I was 115 lbs and a size 5. Right now I am in between the two and losing an average of 2-4 pounds a month. No diets. I try to stay within 1250 calories a day. Keeping track of calories is much easier now days. I exercise (a moderate workout) in the morning and walk about a mile a day. The calories? Calories are calories...sometimes you just have to say what-the-hell and have that mocha frappe...but not the sandwich and fries and apple turnover...lol... I might add that when I was at my lightest I was sick (a lot) and when I was at my heaviest I was dealing with an enormous stress level and doing a lot of stress-eating.
If you want to lose the weight - decrease calories + increase activity = 100% guaranteed weight loss. No gyms...heavy workouts or special equipment needed. And NEVER refer to yourself as FAT!
(((hugs)))

Carla

deleted_user 08/01/2011

Oh...BTW...I love sweets too :)

Nothing wrong with that!

C

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