Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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avmom 09/01/2017

My husband was in home hospice for two weeks before he died. I had a friend who I had not heard from in awhile. We had a falling out a few years ago but were always friendly when we ran into each other. At one time we had been really good friends for a number of years and I missed her friendship. My husband really liked her so when he was dying I reached out to here. She immediately came over to my house and conforted me. She cried with me and told me she loved me and would be there for me, "call me for anything" she said. I texted her and thanked her for coming and she asked how he was doing. He died about a week later, I let her know and she asked me to send her the memorial service information which I did. She text me that she couldn't make it but if I needed something to let her know. About a week later I contacted her and told her she was missed at the service. She texted me back that she wanted to get together with me but was busy for the next three weeks. 5 months have passed and she has never once contacted me. I have been fuming about this and it has bothered me everyday. To top it off she has a quote on ther facebook page about how you should treat people well as you never know when you will need their help. Yesterday I couldn't help myself and texted her telling how disappointed I was in her and how she should really reconsider the quote she has on her facebook page. I know this all sounds petty but when you are grieving it is as nothing else matters. Well I get a reply from her today telling me she had contacted me and I never got back to her and if I needed something it was up to me to let her know. I just had to sit down and chuckle. I thought about replying but realized it was useless. If this person thinks that I need to stop greiving till they have time in their schedule for me then they don't have a clue. I thank god for the ones who contacted me and didn't wait till I called them, there were days I couldn't get out of bed or even remember to shower, there was no way I was going to reach out for help. This experience has realy taught me how selfish and self absorbed some people can be and how kind other people are. For anyone who has ever had an experience like mine, I suggest you just cut those people out of your life. It is just not worth it. I am glad I said something, I can now move on.

babochka 09/01/2017

avmom, same here. The closest friend of 40 years, my classmate, knows very well my husband passed away 17 days ago, and all I got was a standard text expressing condolences.
Some people just avoid those in bereveament like a plague...

Suz1491 09/01/2017

I'm in the same boat. People I thought would be there for me haven't been and it hurts so f'n much. They are so blind to it, yet I still have that fake smile on my face. F my life right now, F it big time

avmom 09/01/2017

I refuse to put on a fake smile anymore. I have done that for too long. I am a widow and I have earned my stripes. If you can't help me then move out of my way because my focus is straight ahead. I am tired of hearing"people don't know how to deal with deal". I am just asking for human kindness and if you don't have it then I don't have time for you. I have always been a good friend, now this makes my circle going forward even smaller and I am ok with that.

Cavewifelost 09/01/2017

avmom, I know exactly what you're talking about. I have a similar story. I had a friend nearly all my life. We had our ups and downs and lost contact here and there. Over the last 25 years we were like sisters, truly. My husband loved her so much and he even called her sis. A few years ago, we invited her to go on a trip with us to Aruba. I don't know why but she was a complete misery for the entire trip. She literally almost ruined the trip for me. I was worried about her the entire time, wondering what the heck was wrong with her. Long and short, we got into an altercation over it and had a falling out. It was bad for about six months and then we reconnected. For a little while things went okay, but they were never really the same and we drifted apart again. When Dave was dying, I texted her and told her about it. She immediately reached out to me again, telling me how much she loved us both. After Dave died, I spoke with her and cried with her and made the mistake of asking her if she wanted to go shopping for an urn with me. I realize now that that was way too much to ask of her. Still, she agreed, but when the day came, she wouldn't return my texts or phone calls. I let it go. When Dave's memorial came around, I sent her a text again telling her how much I wanted to see her , how much Dave loved her and would want her to be there. How much I loved her and wanted her to be there. She didn't show up or even contact me. For that, I can never forgive her. I ache for her, truly I do. I felt like she was my one true friend. I still miss her every day, but some lines cannot be uncrossed. <3 Anita

staygolden3 09/02/2017

I'm sorry for all the heartache and hurt feelings here but it just about happens to everyone in our situation. There are some people that you thought would be there for you who aren't, and people that you would never have imagined show up with love and support! Sitting beside a friend that is hurting is sometimes one of the best gifts that you can give.
It's not petty at all avmom, we are in a very emotional state and friendships are very much needed and appreciated at this time. Sometimes I think that people think that if they ignore the situation it will go away. Well maybe in their minds, but certainly not in the grieving friends mind that they are ignoring. I'm glad that you said your thoughts out loud, acknowledgment does help us to move forward if even in the smallest way.
I have eliminated some toxic friendships and although it still hurts, I do feel better for it in the long run.
Always remember, anyone can love you when the sun is shining....it's during the storms that you learn who your true friends are and who really care about you!
Take care everyone, life is slowing unfolding yet again and you will find the new path meant just for you....keep those pretty eyes open!
Warm group hug to all!
Darcie

raininseattle 09/02/2017

Sometimes you don't know how reliable someone is until a situation like this came up. We wouldn't have valued (and needed) so much support and compassion if our spouse were still with us. Some people are not good at meeting people where they are at. I'll just leave it at that.

There were people I used to put up with but had to cut ties eventually, as I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore. My tolerance with BS weren't where it used to be. I vowed to myself that either people will have a good influence, or no influence at all. No ill wishes were harbored, but it is not worth the frustration and disappointment to put someone into your inner circle just so that you'll have that friend, or one more friend for that matter. Love and friendship has to flow both ways or it wouldn't work.

Here is an article from Christina Rasmussen a while ago about letting go of the "Good enough" things that became heavy as life is being rebuilt.
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/let-go-of-the-good-enough-things

porkchopcash 09/02/2017

I think that most people just don't understand how different the death of a spouse is from others you live through. It's like trying to explain to someone who doesn't have children what being a parent is like. Some things you just can't get until you've lived through it. I have to admit that I would have acted the way my friends acted -thinking that I was there for them- not knowing. I don't talk to my friends much anymore because it is hard. They are talking to a me that doesn't exist anymore. I think spending time with them makes me feel more alienated. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. And, I am sorry that you are going through more pain- not like you don't endure enough. My prayers are for you.

msgood 09/02/2017

Its all about the new address book..........you learn real quick who your real friends are. Sad but so true. Hugs Jeanne

cliffskat 09/02/2017

I wish it weren't a common experience, but unfortunately it is. People I had helped through terrible times who simply weren't there for me when I needed the support. There was one friend in particular that really let me down when I needed her support and should have been able to count on it. So I cut her loose. Then when happier times came about for me, she wanted to be let back into my life. NOPE! I think in a way that was even more of a slap in the face - wanting to celebrate with me later. Ever hear the term "fair weather friends?" Now you know what that means.

I will say that for every person who let me down, there was someone else totally unexpected who stepped forward and helped. I had people who were real heroes when I needed them, and they had little or no reason to do so. I will never forget their kindness. And I made sure later, when I was stronger and was moving forward with my life that I thanked the ones that did step up and help me when I needed it. Even the ones that were my "huggers" - they would just come up and hug me and let me cry - that was so essential for my survival. Sometimes the little things like that are huge.

I am sorry your friends let you down. We've all been there.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

lindonn 09/02/2017

I think it is hard to reach out to someone like us, who are experiencing the loss of our life mate, because it brings their own mortality into focus. Or the loss of their spouse. It is hard to think about, so they choose to back away. It is painful to see someone suffer such loss and hard to understand. Forgive and move on. It is not worth it, because it only increases the pain you feel already.

Wurldtravler 09/03/2017

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately this is human nature. I lost a daughter and afterwards everyone disappeared out of my life. People don't want to be touched by death and losing a child is unfathomable. When I lost my husband, all those people also disappeared from my life as well as in-laws. 28 years of being family and they have totally distanced themselves from me. It's just how people who haven't lost someone so close deal with our losses

avmom 09/04/2017

Wurldtravler- I am so sorry for the lost of your daughter and husband. I understand the disappearance of your in-laws I feel the same. My husband lost his father and only sibling within the last 5 years. His mother has dementia and her only brother moved in with her a few years ago to help her. He has in many ways taken over her life. When my husband died the brother told me I didn't have to contact her anymore or even go if she passes. My kids are her only grandkids. She has been my mother in law for over 20 years. I still call but he makes it difficult. It all comes down to her will, how petty can people be. I just keep trying and will continue to keep calling. I feel like I have lost all connections to his family and for my kids I feel horrible.

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