Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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avmom 05/28/2017

In our mind we all think when someone you love dies your friends will be there. They will drop everything to be by your side and help you through this horrible time in your life. Well I can tell you this can be farthest from the truth. The truth is people will avoid you, people who you thought were your friends will stop calling and dropping by if they even did to start with. This was the biggest slap in the face when my husband died 11 weeks ago. I live in a small town, my husband has really no family and mine lives 3,000 miles away my friends were my extended family in a way. I have a very small circle of friends, I had one in particular. We were friends for years and a few years ago we had a falling out. We still run into each other and are friendly. When my husband was dying I reached out to her. She and my husband were very much alike and they both liked each other. As soon as I called and told her she came right over. She sat with me and cried, I felt like I had my friend back. I remember her leaving and hugging and telling me she loved me and to call it I needed something. When he passed she asked me about the services, I sent her the info. She didn't come, she had a baseball game to go to. A week later, I sent her a text and told her of the service and that she was missed. She told me she was busy for the next couple of weeks but wanted to get togather. I never heard from her again. I should have gotten the hint when she didn't come to the service but in my grief I couldn't think straight. At this point I don't care if I ever see her again. I have removed her contact from my phone but some nights I find myself holding my phone ready to send her the nastiest text. I know some people can't deal with death it is easier to avoid it then to face it but why tell me you love me and make plans with me. This all might sound petty but my loss is real and so is my pain. She was also not the last to "forget" about me. All the neigbors who showed up and offered their help if I needed seem to turn away when I drive up. I thank my lucky stars for my few good friends who still call and text me just to see who I am doing. Some may say it has been 11 weeks she needs to move on, I spent almost 24 years with this man almost half my life. Things just don't better overnight. I might not have known how to address a person who has lost someone in the past but I sure know how to do it now. It doesn't take much just a little compansion and caring. I feel like I have lost more then just my husband, now i have to mourn my friendship but unlike my husband I will probably run into my old friends one day and I have to think long and hard how I will address them.

Absorb 05/28/2017

This is so real. There is no way you're going to get over what happened. It doesn't take 11 weeks, it takes a life time. And as you said, "I might not have known how to address a person who has lost someone in the past but I sure know how to do it now." Maybe your friend is in that position? But that still didn't give her the right to give you false hope. I'm sorry that you're alone through this. But just know that you're not quite alone. Hold on to the true friends that love you. Not everyone cares anymore. They're all out for themselves. But we can all understand that to some extent. I lost my boyfriend 8 months ago, and I'm still not over it. Never will be. I don't think at 11 weeks I could be able to speak about my feelings. So for this post, I think you're very strong, and brave. And I admire that. Thank you for sharing <3

Btlcrzr 05/28/2017

At times like these you will know who are your true freinds.i know your pain and
This site is a good place to vent.i am on my 2nd mos.of greiving,lost my other half of 45 yrs
I cant tell you that the pain of losing someone you love so much will get better cause i am not there yet.i am in anti deppressant cause i went coco.take care
Care.

Shrn 05/28/2017

It's 10 years ago that my husband and high school sweetheart died and I remember the feelings of abandonment I struggled with. I can only say that I don't think the people who do this don't do it intentionally. I have lost track of many of our couple friends and even some I thought would stand by me forever. I resented it for quite some time m but made peace with it for my own self. Friends come and friends more on without us. This site has been the constant support for me. I hope that you have the same experience. Sharon

luckydaughter 05/28/2017

In NO way is 11 weeks long enough for you to have "moved on", but it might be long enough for other people to have done so. In general, when your spouse first dies.............right around the time of the funeral..............people are around you, but after that, they tend to go away. In a short time, they "move on".

This is most unfortunate because, for many of us, we are still in shock in the early days and it is later on that we need people. But by then, most of them have "moved on".

I try to remember that other people have their own problems and we might not even realize what problems they are having. That's why this site is so good...............the people here will be here for you.

Sylvia

LostWithoutCarol 05/28/2017

This is the truest thing I have ever read and experienced, to me it seems like people try to push you to move on ( really for their benefit ) because the don't feel the loss like the one who just lost their world. They don't understand now. But one day they all will. I just hope that I man enough to step up when i'm needed as a fried to be better than they are and better than they were.

ladybjt 05/29/2017

It was a month ago April 26. 2017, that I lost my childhood sweetheart and darling husband of 40 years. I also lost my mother four days later. Then my closest and dearest friend of 50+ years was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She has less than a month to live. I visit her everyday and we cry together. I am blessed to have some really good friends who text me regularly and siblings and children who have rallied around me. It is so hard. I miss him so much. A month, eleven weeks, a lifetime, will never be enough time forget the love and memories we shared.

cgriff4ever 05/29/2017

Our address books will change several times, after our loss, and for years afterwards. Some people are in our lives for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Some people can't deal with loss. Just don't have that anger in your heart, let it go, and know that sometimes things happen for a reason we may not like, know or understand it... but it is what it is... That's when we develop new friendships, and some will be better than the old...I bet you probably do miss her friendship, but sometimes true friends are hard to come across. I wish you peace, and hope you can acquire some new friends. Much love and hugs carla

debbielu 05/29/2017

I am so sorry for your loss. Eleven weeks is like yesterday. We are both in the shock stage. Gosh, this is so absolutely true. Have to say I noticed the withdrawal/avoidance right after the service. My neighbor who's been by my side during my husbands illness, I hardly hear from. She lives directly across the street from me. She told me a week after the service " I'm giving you your space and privacy so you can grieve". What??!! Now is when I need my friends and family support more than ever. It's going on 4 months. Haven't heard from ANYONE!!!!! Like you, my only daughter lives six hours away. If it wasn't for me taking care of my 82 yo Mother, I'd pack up and never look back. You can come here and we can support each other. I realize it may not fill the hours of sitting at home alone, but just knowing we are all going through the same thing and we are here to support each other, does help. Hugs to you and message me anytime. Debbie

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