One year ago this night,I opened our bathroom door to ask my husband something and found him on the floor unresponsive. He was a diabetic on dialysis three days a week and a recent bilateral below the knee amputee,he was 47. The month before he had been in the hospital with a infection in his temporary dialysis port,he had a small stroke. The doctor told him she believed he was on a downward spiral and things were not looking good for him. When he went on dialysis three years ago,they said ,Sean,you can easily live a good twenty years. When they took his first leg,the infection was so bad,they didn't think he was gonna make it. Then the second leg,same scenario. With each infection,it took a toll on him. Then his shunt got infected,they pulled it,put the temp. port in,then it got infected. The week he died,he missed dialysis twice that week because he had a "stomach virus". I laid down on the floor and held him,he was cold,I knew he had been gone for a while. I looked around and noticed the room. His wheel chair was pushed aside and the wheels locked. I realized he had not fallen out of his chair,he had gotten out of it.
He had gone into the bathroom earlier to have a smoke,yet he never opened his pack,nor were there butts in the ashtray. In my heart of heart,I realized,he knew.
I found out the next day when I called his dialysis unit,they had been calling him off an on For three days trying to get him to go to the ER,his potassium had been so critical high the one day he did dialysis,he needed to be admitted,but he refused. He also refused to let them contact me. I believe he was tired. Tired of everything.
I knew I had to call 911. I also knew that they would expect me to do cpr. I had been a nurse for twenty five years,I knew he had been gone awhile. I laid down. one last time with my husband. A year feels like yesterday,everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't think or remember,or relive. I miss him terribly.

Hey Lynn, in response to your latest post 5/13/17, my heart goes out to you on this, if you will, anniversary. I know those feelings that you are feeling as my hubby was a diabetic also on dialysis for quite a few years. In the beginning they also said no problem living 20 years like that but as the years went by and the complications continually mounted...we both knew that that was a very unrealistic goal. Days before Iras passing, he told me that he was just tired, tired of all that, tired of the needles, tired of the depressing atmosphere of having to live that life every other day forever. I remember that last week we were outside doing chores, well I was and he was watching, but he just looked different, he looked at me with such a faraway look in his eye that I just knew that he was giving up. He would say things to me out of the blue like, "you'll be OK, someone will always be there to take care of you, you have to understand that I won't be here for much longer, I'll always be around to make sure you're alright".... Those comments would make me angry as I didn't want him to give up, I wasn't going to be OK and I certainly didn't need anyone to take care of me! It angered me when he said that he just wanted to quit and stay home. But, I didn't nor couldn't and maybe didn't want to understand the anguish of that life that he lead every other day...

Next month it will be two years since Ira left me. Surprisingly to me, as I write this to you, I find myself crying, which I haven't done for a while. But this time it's different, I'm not crying for myself, I'm crying for him, and for the pain that he had to endure for so long, for the life that he got cheated out of because of a disease that slowly stripped away his quality of life.
I think that hurts me more than losing him even though I know he is no longer in pain. Life can just be so unfair at times but we have to acknowledge it, which I'm doing now, accept it which I already have, and let it go which I am doing by writing this, and then continue to move forward the best that we can which I am definitely working on.

I know you're a strong woman Lynn and that you're doing a great job on this journey we are all experiencing. Days like this will happen and we should let them. The best way to heal is to always acknowledge your feelings and express them, even if it's this way through the forum, journaling or just talking to your loved one who has passed. Which ever way you do it, you just need to get it out there. You can't be strong all the time, sometimes you just have to let tears out and that's OK.

One thing though that I won't let happen is... that this moment that I'm in will not affect my entire day. When these moments do happen, I let them, recognize them for what they are...a moment....now, I will change my sails because that darn wind is blowing me backwards, and to make the rest of my day a positive....I need to move forward.....and I will...and so will you Lynn...
Enough with the sad thoughts! Let's shake them out of our heads change those sails and start remembering all the love and good times! Think positive, live positive! The sun is shining and, it's a beautiful day....get out there and get some fresh air!
Love and peace to you my friend....you can do this!
Darcie

Today is a different day.
I celebrated some memories last night. I watched some of his favorite movies. Movies he shared with me that I grew to love. There were a few bittersweet moments where I let myself cry,but I could almost hear him saying " really Lynn,it's the Godfather", I found myself laughing so hard..
It's been raining here for two days,but I don't find it depressing,it feels comforting in a way. I let myself remember Sunday mornings,raining,just cuddling.No tears today Darcie. Your words are much appreciated. I believe your Ira is proud of you. Proud that you are putting yourself out here to comfort others who loved and lost as you have. Thank you.

Lynnlynne- I realized a couple of weeks in you will really find out who your friends really are. I had no family here and very few friends. When my husband died everyone contacted me and told me they would be there. It is amazing how quickly they forget those words. Two of my closest friends not only didn’t attend his memorial they just stopped communicating with me ( it has been 9 weeks). I was hurt at first but I am so done right now I don’t care. I had a neighbor and a co-worker who stepped up and were there. They checked up on me and brought me groceries, reminded me to eat and even to bath. Grief is a horrible thing, and you don’t know “when you are going to need something”. You need people to just be there. You will never be there same and neither will your friendship. You just need to move on, no need to feel awkward.

I need a hug. I've been sick the past few days with yet another respiratory infection. Missed some work. Wound up in the ER,more antibiotics,more steroids,more inhalers. I have never felt more lonely than when I am not feeling well. Just a hug from Sean made all the difference. The hugs are what I really miss. He gave so much in just a squeeze. Oh geeze,what a pity party I'm having tonite.