Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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onebrokenheart 08/22/2016

Those of you that know me know that I do not post often. I have preferred to be supportive to others and shared my pain in responses but rarely start a post. Tonight I am in need. Its been 3 1/2 years and I thought I was progressing really well. Many a day would go by without tears and I could think of Don with a smile. Tonight I cant stop crying. Tonight I keep having those awful flash backs of his last few days, hours. I cant seem to stop them. I want to scream. If I was still at the farm I could scream at the top of my lungs and no one would hear or be concerned. But here in my parents house that is just not possible. I have tried all the things I normally do ...I have meditated, listened to music, journaled and journaled and journald. Called a longtime dear friend and talked for a while. Wrote to another. I just can not stop the flash backs with that terrible raw pain. I cant take it. It hurts so much. Why is it you take a few steps forward and life smacks you across the face and sends you flying right up against the wall? Folks I just dont have the strength in me to pick myself up again. I really feel too tired to even try. I feel so damned drained. I guess when you spend all your time trying to be strong there is going to be a day of reckoning. I have had to be so strong here at my parents house. Unfortunately I am bombarded daily with very negative statements / attitudes. A friend called the particular person an emotional vampire and yes that fits. I have had to be strong when my brother died, especially with the family drama that went on. I had to take care of my sister-in-law on a daily basis for over a month until her daughter moved her in with her. That is on top of caring for my elderly, blind, hard of hearing, loving but notional and misguided parents. ( they have been married since 1948 and think they can tell me about grief and loss of a spouse) Then after my sister-in-law was moved I had to find a home for their cat. Clear out the mounds of trash, and sell the place. On top of that a friend apparently has written me out of their life and there is nothing i can do about it. I feel so angry. I can not shake this anger. I am angry that Don died. I am angry at all the crap I have had to deal with before and since. I am angry that there are so few good days. I am angry that i have no privacy. I am angry that the one person I could count on to help with mom and dad has died and that I no longer have any support or respite from my care taking. I am angry that I feel guilty about looking for a nearby apartment instead of staying in the house. I am angry that I dont have a family of my own, no kids. I am angry that my entire life I have rarely got to have any fun. I am angry that there were things left unsaid between Don and I and there is nothing I can do about that. I am angry that I would like so very much to jump on a motorcycle and let the wind rip these feelings out of me but no motorcycle and the friend with one so far away. I am angry at this resurgence of grief. Lets face it...I AM ANGRY. And I am hurt. I can not stop the hurt. It just keeps coming in waves. I cant stop the vision of Don in pain. Making the decision to stop heroic measures. I cant stop the memory of his last breath. I just cant run away. Cant bury it. I couldnt save him and it hurts so much. I wish I could find a way to stop this pain. I wish I could find a way to be strong for myself. I have been strong for everyone else, why cant I be strong for myself? I am just so tired and I cant seem to find anything to help me tonight.

tim57 08/22/2016

With all the people you mentioned helping you left out the most important one. YOU. All these other problems as difficult as it may be, you should lay them down for awhile and focus on the one you haven't been. You have to take care of you. The anger I get but drop the guilt. I was actually going to suggest part of getting stronger may be for you to move into your own place. It will be your own personal space to take care of you. If you don't there want be anything left for anyone else. That's not the main reason to but you can't just give all the time. There are times when it's ok to get. If not from others then give yourself you. Put you up first for now and figure out where you need to point that motorcycle if you were on one. And head off in that direction Go out leave everyone else behind and do something you've always wanted to do. It
is ok not to be the supportive one for a change. It sounds like if you don't than there is no one else there who will. Make you new friends where you are. I do think getting your own space would be a great move. You could go in shut out the world for awhile and enjoy the down time alone. And figure out some things you should focus on. Please take care of you.
Peace, Tim

Mikesgirlgail 08/22/2016

Thanks for posting this lovely lady because it could have been written by me. Michael died nearly three years ago now and at this point I also feel so hopeless. I'm 55 years old, working full time, and still going through the motions of everyday life. I also find myself reliving his illness and his final days. Like you,I wasn't given the time nor the privacy to grieve for this wonderful man who was my husband for 32 years. Soon after her fathers funeral,my oldest daughter turned back to drugs and I ended up in the family court to protect my grandaughters from their own mother (my own beautiful child). I deal with drug-fired abuse on a daily basis. My parents are elderly and not in good health and they are transitioning my 45 year old sister who has Down Syndrome into supported accommodation. I have a huge part in this process. I think that you and myself need to take a step back and really look at what we are doing to ourselves. I truly believe that this is the worst thing anyone could go through. I could deal with these challenges if Michael was here. I'm dealing with it as half of what I used to be but both you and myself will survive this. We are strong women. Love Gail

JesusisOurSaviour 08/22/2016

You've given so much of yourself.....You are a total giver and your beautiful character of loyalty, devotion, kindness, compassion, shines through with every word you wrote.
Your strength of character, and insight will move you forward. You've been"stuck"
On this journey, for 3 and a half years....grievng time, for your devastating loss of precious, Don, has been secondary because of your total love and commitment to other people. Anger would be those most natural emotion to feel.
You never had a choice, you had to be strong.....As "Strong" is all you could be.
You, made it, lovely lady!!.....Through 3 and a half years of sheer trials.....you're taking stock now of that time......And realizing.....It's TIME to give yourself some nurturing and healing......NO guilt, here!!!! ..... I have a feeling you are a courageous, strong woman, who will make the right choices.....You, like all of us, on this ongoing journey of grief.....need that encouragement and comfort of 'knowing we are doing the right thing.
Take that bike ride, be free to 'feel" your grief, it's bursting to get out....you have been given a gift of "knowing" that NOW...is the time.
You are one special woman....You've been a blessing to all you meet, including us, here, on this forum.
Much love and big hugs.....Sandra

onebrokenheart 08/22/2016

Tim, Gail, Sandra. Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it and love you guys so much. Sandra, I was trying to do a friend request but the system is not letting me :( I keep having issues with the "new" DS.

Rainbow27 08/22/2016

Caregiving is the hardest emotional job on this earth and most times thankless. Having your ownspace at a nearby apartment is a good beginning to get your privacy back. My husband passed in 2014 and though I do not feel angry, I do get envious now when I see couples. My husband always said we would grow old together and be together in our "golden" years. Both sets of our parents lived into their 80's so here I am all alone trying to make the best of this hard situation. Please try and get some time for yourself, take in a movie, take up have a hobby you enjoy, gez I was just about to say volunteer, but you really need some fun things just for you. You give so much of yourself... Plan for the future and make new friends that support you and don't criticize. Are there any support groups in your area or meetup groups? Be gentle with yourself ... You are so caring and need to just step back and take a break. We are all here for you and understand.

marjoe 08/22/2016

Onebrokenheart- oh, sweetie. I so get it. There were times in years 3/4 (the "running on fumes" years, I call it) when I felt like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Seriously, except my head didn't do the 180. I am hearing you, and validating you and what you're feeling. It SUCKS! And it will pass, eventually, but in the meantime, meh.

msgood 08/22/2016

I wish I was there to give you a hugs my heart breaks and as I say to myself often This to shall pass,be kind to yourself always here for you. Would love to chat

onebrokenheart 08/22/2016

Recently I did do something just for myself. My surviving brother flew in to visit the folks for a long weekend. I took off to visit a friend. It was the good the bad and the ugly. Good because I had fun and rode on the back of a Harley for the first time in my life and LOVED it! Bad / ugly because I suffered from heat exhaustion and passed out for a second and when I tried to get up found I had severely sprained my ankle. Still is swollen and bruised.

I knew I was burned out and needed a break so I took it. My mom had a cow over it but I ignored her. I guess I needed a whole week to recharge my batteries but you take what you can get. So I am being proactive to doing some things to help with this caregiver burn out thing. One thing I do is water aerobics. I try to get to class at least 3 times a week. I find it is a wonderful stress reliever and really helps with arthritic pain. Of course coming here helps and talking to friends. Without these things I believe I would have been in the looney bin by now. Thanks everyone for helping me. This time I really needed your support and I appreciate it very much.

cgriff4ever 08/22/2016

Cheryl, I know all too well how your feeling. Im only 1 1/2 out after losing my sean, but it sucks not having family. Im sorry, I have had those times of total dismay... anger, sadness, questioning why, and how? Sometimes I just talk to god and sean.. tell them how much I miss my sean, and just reminisce about how things were and how much I miss them. Sometimes, you cant change the past, but you can always live your life now... I hope your feeling better tonight. Love to you, sweet lady carla

staygolden3 08/23/2016

Wow Cheryl.....you have had quite a heavy load on your shoulders for so long. You do so much for everyone else that now it's time that Cheryl needs some love, attention and comfort. It's okay for you to need too. If you can swing it, I think a separate apartment is a great idea. You need your own space. It might be hard but you need to make time for yourself and stick to it. You need you just as much as everyone else needs you.
Whether mom squawks or not....you go and you ride that Harley every chance that you get girl! You sound like you had a blast and that is the type of rejuvenation one needs. Being a caregiver is exhausting mentally and physically! If you can find some emotional freedom from riding on the back of a bike or water aerobics...go for it! Pamper yourself if only for a minute, take a break and regroup...it will only help you and those you've been taking care of and loving in the long run.
Also know Cheryl, that it's OK to have a meltdown now and then, it's so totally natural in your situation.
Please also remember that Don knew that you loved him and that you did your best for him. He is with you always in spirit and guides you and watches over you. Love is eternal. If you have things left unsaid to him, say
them now...he'll hear you.
You're a wonderful person and take care of so many...you can do anything but not everything. Please don't ever forget to stop and smell the roses. Unless you fill yourself up first, you'll have nothing left to give anybody else.
Take care of yourself sweet lady, you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and big hugs!
Darcie

mariko62 08/23/2016

You so deserve a meltdown! I was the main caretaker for three different dying people for the three years prior to my husband's accidental death this past winter. That is the toughest job physically and emotionally. I can't imagin how I could of done it without my Scott's support. You are an amazing lady! I am so sorry that you have these trials to go thru on your own. If you can find the strength and time to give yourself a couple hours a day it will help replenish your soul. Know you are putting good out there in this world, you are a special and important person. You deserve to feel anger and selfishness. Allow it for a while, grieve, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go back to this fight we call our new lives. I use to fully believe if you put good out into the world, karma would repay you....since Scott died, it is harder to keep that belief..but it is all we have left...so we must try.
Sending prayers for strength and comfort. We all agree that you are amazing and we feel your pain and loneliness along with you.
Hugs

Jeff-Bolen 08/24/2016

I understand your flashbacks. I get them too. Not as often as I did but sometimes. I too had to terminate support for my wife. It's been almost 4 years since she passed. As you know it was the worse decision I have ever had to make in my life. At first I beat myself up a lot for doing that to her. But in the years since I know it was the right thing to do, and she would have done that for me as well. She was a nurse for 30 years and often talked how she would never want to live plugged in and as a vegetable.

Do take care of yourself. I wish you peace

Jeff

cliffskat 08/25/2016

I still get them, but thankfully they are infrequent now. It's usually worse around special days/anniversaries, although sometimes I get blindsided by something - like some character in a tv show or movie having a heart attack and then CPR, etc., as that is how we lost Cliff. It sucks. It does pass more quickly now, which is also a blessing. Have you had any counseling about this? And are you eligible for any kind of respite care for your folks? I know that tends to be hit-ormiss depending upon where you are. You have too much on your plate. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope today is a better day for you. Love and Big Hugs, Martha

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