Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Finished Grieving & What That Means

laurabp
laurabp
I lost my wonderful husband in December, 2008 and recently as I passed the 2 1/2 year mark, I realized that I am actually over the grief thing. Being the type to analize things, I asked myself how I could tell I was finished with the grief process and what that actually means for me. I still miss Stan, still love Stan, and realize that I will still continue to have those "grief burst" moments when something triggers a memory and I start to cry. However, those times happen far less often now. I have made changes in my life which include retirement (on a very limited budget!), a move to a "Seniors" apartment building, a new church, and a revival of some of my old hobbies that I had not had time to pursue in recent years. I still wear my wedding ring, not because I still considered myself married, but because it feels comfortable to do so. I am not looking to find a new love, but I have not ruled out the possiblility either. The thing I still miss the most about my husband is being able to talk to him about everything and everything. Over-all, I like my "new" life and look for opportunities to find meaning in each day rather than looking for some great new purpose. As Hunter used to say on the old TV show, "It works for me".
The best advice I would give to all of you who are new widows is to realize that there is no time limit on grief - no "fast-forward" button you can push to make it go faster. It takes as long as it takes, and the people in this group will help you So Much! Just knowing that you are not alone, that everyone here "gets it" got me (and lots of others) through the worst. It does get better. Thanks so much everyone!
Comments from others who have made it through the worst? Your advice for the newly widowed from your own experience? laurabp
loveandgrace
loveandgrace
At almost two years (I'm anticipating/dreading that second anniversary already--in about 45 days), I feel like a survivor. I survived the worst thing I could've imagined happening, losing my partner in a sudden and unexpected way. The pain at first was excruciating; I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and yet we all experience great loss at some point in our lives.

At this point I feel good, like I have "me" back again, because I also lost a huge chunk of myself when he died. It took a lot of work to get through the grief; I went to counseling, wrote, found a community, went through a lot of changes, had to revision my life. My children were my rocks; I am extremely grateful to them for their steadfast love. The birth of my first grandchild gave me something to look forward to--watching him blossom and grow.

My advice for the newly widowed is to seek community and connection in any form possible. The loneliness is probably the hardest thing to deal with, and it's easy to isolate when in pain. Look for grief groups, a religious community, friends who will understand and be compassionate. Be kind to yourself--you've experienced something devastating. Be patient with yourself--it takes as long as it takes to begin to heal. Let your emotions out, don't bottle them up inside. Find little pleasures and build on them. Don't lose hope--someday you will again feel joy, and it will surprise you. Life is still worth living.

Hugs,
Amy
deleted_user
deleted_user
The first few months of my 2nd year I slid back a little but now I am nearing 6 months further along and I feel good. I feel joy looking at his picture on my dresser and talk to him. But I am much closer to joining him than the 50 yr olds and that helps. (I know death has no age limit when I look at the obituaries.) But it feels so good to feel more upbeat and hope I can weather any future downturns. With DS support I feel confident.
Caroline04
Caroline04
I lost my husband in Dec. 08 also. I miss him and think of him every day, especially when I have to do the things he used to take care of. I do feel stronger for the most part, but I miss talking to him and joking around--we were very close. I have no idea what my future holds but I am going to try to be as happy as I can because each day is really a gift.

As far as advice--I know I have said this before. Somehow, you must visualize that at the end of mourning there will come a time when you can be happy again. Grief is not a bottomless pit--there is life on the other side. The only way to get there is by feeling these emotions, allowing yourself to cry and experience the sadness. Always remember in the back of your mind that one day you will smile again.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Great topic, glad you started it. It was 4 years in June that my husband passed from lung cancer. For the first two years I barely made it through the daily routines. I tried to go back to my part time job but didn't and stayed home lost in retirement that was suppose to be 'our' time. All I wanted was my husbad back. Finally I made to decision I couldn't do this and looked for help from my primary doctor. Went on an anti-depressant and started counseling with a physotherapist I still see today.

I got my life together. Started realizing all the wonderful times we had together and became thankful for them. Did a lot of soul searching and decided life was about finding joy and spreading it to others. Figured out who I was now that I had no living husband and my children are adults. Stopped being angry that the sun still shined and the world didn't stop because my life did.

Now I'm thankful and happy for my 40 years of marriage to a great guy and looking forward to moving in with a man who has entered my life and brought a new kind of joy in it. He loves and respects and makes me feel cherrished and I want to enjoy our golden years with him and our families.

I guess my advise to new widows and widowers is you can't avoid the sadness and grief of your loss. Work through the pain and if you can't make it alone don't be afraid to ask for help. You'll survive if you don't stop moving forward bringing the memories and the lessons you learned and finding the value in each and every day past and future. Sharon
deleted_user
deleted_user
Like yspyg45, I too am at months, not years. (8) I am stronger and I am living. NOT how i choose, but living just the same. I have a long way to go in the Grief journey. I no longer cry for hours, yet i cry several times a week. Some days more than others. I have chosen not to spend my grief journey in sadness but in honor of him. I beleive i am moving along quicker than others due to his last two years of life being such a struggle and am thankful that his horrible suffering is over. I surround myself with our sons and grandaughters , one who is a spitting image of him. Every positive move i make i talk to him, and know he is behind me. Some around me think i am getting over him too quick. I know I will NEVER get over him, nor do i want to. I am living because the alternative is a bit grim. I believe he is still here in spirit, and i also believe i will join him in the end. So although we are physically apart, we still have one another , forever and ever. I choose to live and laugh. I have to , or i would not be able to get out of bed in the morning. I am making the best of a bad situation, as he would want me to do. Thanks for all who traveled before me, that gave me hope and strength, on a journey none of us chose.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am at one year and five months. Just when I think I'm done greiving something sets me off again. I'm crying right now. The thing is my Wife and I didn't even get along that well. She spent the last decade of our marriage gradually becoming a drug addict. Finally got her into rehab and she was clean a little over a year before she died. The last year when she was clean was OK, but the previous five was hell, and the five years previous to that was decending into hell. Hardly a day went by that I didn't think that I should be divorcing her. It's kind of a relief to not be worrying about her but I still miss what little interaction we had. I appreciate her for the wonderful children she gave me; however, I'm resentful for her breaking us financially and then skipping out. Anyway I can't imagine how much harder it would be if we had been a super in love couple. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
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