No wrongs and no rights in this grief business. You do what you have to do to cope, and in time our ways of dealing with it, on both a conscious and subconscious level changes. The initial pain is too great for our minds to process, and we enter into what I've heard called, Widow's fog. That is a defense mechanism that is wired into us, and exists for our protection because the initial shock is too much for our minds to process. Grief is a weird thing. It has it's own mind, and there is absolutely little we can do to control it. So when you are ready, it will come like a flood.

We can't see much of what we're going through until we can see it in our rearview mirror. I now see that I was split. On the one hand, I never wanted to forget her. But on the other, I found myself trying to empty my life of everything that reminded me of her and our life together. For me, examining my grief, my changes, my heart, my emotions, and most importantly myself, have all been vital as I crawl myself forward. Grief is unlike anything that's ever been thrown in my path in my short 59 years on this earth. Contrary to the song, I was strong and now I'm weak. But then we reach a point that we begin trying to build a new life out of the rubble we are left with. But with every disaster, the dust must settle before anyone can see what we're dealing with. Just give it time, and grief will take care of itself in the wholly unique way it comes upon each of us. Nothing is normal for us. We are so far outside of our previously known "normal", we become rocked to the depths of our soul. Who am I, and what do I want my life to be now? What do I like? What do I not like? What can I change? What do I want to keep? How can I change? Take these questions into your examination of yourself. You will find a "you" that was either buried long ago, or a stronger, better person to emerge than you ever were before. Notice the changes in yourself, and examine what is happening and why. And if we dare ask ourselves, Why am I so f*cked up? Or it's offshoot, What is wrong with me? Or even, Why am I having no reaction to this death? Our self-examination is so important in finding the one person we know we each will spend the rest of our lives with --- Our Self.  ~~~ Scottie