Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Does anybody else feel that all the decisions they've made turn out to be wrong?
I sold my house a year after my husband died.
Wish I had it back. I really miss that house. I was overwhelmed at the time and thought I "should" downsize and make life easier.
It didn't work. I hated living in a condo ( which I was renting), so moved into another house.
I don't really like this house and don't even know why I bought it. It seemed a little like my old house except smaller.
I've had to do renos and everything seems to leak or break. So the plumbers have to come back. The electrician came back twice to fix something and I shelled out a lot of money to a contractor to fix my garage. I'm way over my head here. I thought my old house was overwhelming, but this one is worse!!
Now, strangely enough, my old house is up for sale. Of course the new owners are asking a higher price than they paid (I sold it 2 years ago now) and there is no way I could sell this one and buy my old one back, but I keep dreaming....
Does anyone else feel as if every decision they make is wrong? I"m not looking for pity - just to know how others have handled difficult situations or feelings of failure.
I sold my house a year after my husband died.
Wish I had it back. I really miss that house. I was overwhelmed at the time and thought I "should" downsize and make life easier.
It didn't work. I hated living in a condo ( which I was renting), so moved into another house.
I don't really like this house and don't even know why I bought it. It seemed a little like my old house except smaller.
I've had to do renos and everything seems to leak or break. So the plumbers have to come back. The electrician came back twice to fix something and I shelled out a lot of money to a contractor to fix my garage. I'm way over my head here. I thought my old house was overwhelming, but this one is worse!!
Now, strangely enough, my old house is up for sale. Of course the new owners are asking a higher price than they paid (I sold it 2 years ago now) and there is no way I could sell this one and buy my old one back, but I keep dreaming....
Does anyone else feel as if every decision they make is wrong? I"m not looking for pity - just to know how others have handled difficult situations or feelings of failure.
I lost my husband if 40 years about 11 months ago.
It is difficult . I guess that's why they say not to make
Big decisions too early . We aren't thinking clearly
Or may feel differently in a few months. We are emotional and exhausted.
I sold some things and gave away some of my husbands
Things that I regretted later. Thought I
Needed the money or couldn't look at them
Anymore at the time.
It's done. I'm just trying not to make any really
Life changing decisions for a while.
Don't keep second guessing yourself. Make the
House your home. Try to find a little enjoyment
In life. It goes too fast. Good luck.
I don't like to give advice because It's hard to know everything involved in somebody else's problem.
But always throughout my life when I've been asked this question my answer has always been the same because it's what I've always lived by myself.
" Whenever you have to make a decision, base it on the best available information you have at the time. Make the decision and if it works out, fine. If it doesn't then you just have to live with it. Hindsight is always 20/20. You made the best decision you could at the time".
I don't Know if this helps you, I hope it does, because you can't undo the past.
Best Regards, George
After my dad died in 1980 I got his car, it was a Grand Marquis, Diamond Jubilee Edition and a really nice vehicle in it's day. I ended up trading it in and then OWING money on a crappy little Pontiac Acadian. (Some car salesmen have no problem taking advantage of a 20 yr. old. ) The funny thing was I overheard my neighbor talking about me and saying "I wonder where that car went, That was a beautiful car. Maybe she couldn't afford to keep it". It was paid for! I have had recurring nightmares about it for over 30 years! where I still have the car and am relieved that I didn't really do anything so stupid, only to wake and realize I did indeed. I have regretted that so much I can't explain it and not just because I was royally screwed on the deal.
So I do fear making mistakes again in regards to the house, his vehicle, his belongings. I'm going to wait and not be pressured into anything because that feeling of bitter regret once again would make me sick. I hope things get better for you, it's important to feel comfortable in your home. ((()))
What's done is done. Make where you're living home and start taking care of you. Do something you'd enjoy. I think you need someone to do something nice for you and you are the someone who can do it. Treat yourself. Sharon
I don't know if this advice will help but my husband always told me, take your time, make your decision and once you do it, don't look back because that is a waste of your time and effort. I've found that to be very true.
Make your home what you want it to be and in time I'm sure that you will be happy, its just that right now the money and reno that have needed to be done have overwhelmed you.
Just think about the fact that when the repairs and reno are the way you want them to be, it's yours. Wishing you peace.
Thanks for your input. Yes, what's done is done, but somehow I feel that the door is open once again, with my old home back on the market.
Sharon, your advice is good and that's what I keep telling myself. Make this home mine and start doing things I enjoy. Then I slip back and think "if I had a choice (no money involved), which house would I live in?" The answer always comes back - my old one.
Well, time will heal this dilemma. Either by some magic, I will be able to buy it back and sell this one - or someone else will swoop down and buy my old house. If it gets sold once again - then it's really gone and I do need to let it go. We'll see.
Rainycreek - I'll send you an email with a long answer. Short version: I love houses. In the condo, I was living on the ground floor and could hear the front door, the security desk, and elevators even into the night. I felt like I was living in a hotel. As well, I hated the fact that I could not open windows on all sides of the place. Only on one side, so there is no cross-breeze, no ventilation. And I missed a back yard.
I'm sorry you miss your car so much. I really do understand and wonder what those lessons are all about.
Aren't we "supposed to" let the old things go? And embrace the new? But when the old things (house, car) are paid for and still good and the new we've embraced in our quest to find sanity, growth and progress turn out to be not-so-good and costly to boot? What's going on here? That's what puzzles me.
Or am I living from someone else's perspective? It makes sense to sell a big house and move on. But maybe it wasn't right for me. I did wait a year, but for me personally, a year was not long enough.
Anyway, I can analyze the situation forever and still not come up with answers - BUT, I do value and greatly appreciate everyone's comments. They help tame these fears and doubts that keep swirling around in my brain - and I'm 3 years and 3 months into this journey.
Hugs to all