Laney and Sandee . . I'm on board with having a marriage that was disintegrating also prior to hubby passing. I wanted a divorce, as in yesterday . . I was beyond done! The sad thing is that I didn't realize until he was diagnosed with CHF and dementia . . that his erratic psychological and physical behavior was a direct result of his illness. If I had known, I would have been much more understanding and gentle with my reactions toward him. (Equates to guilt and anger turned inward presently). I'm simply angry period. (Yes, still) I'm angry at Jim, angry at God, angry at the Dr's, angry at the attorneys . . angry at myself.

Back to the discussion post . . . for me, I have decided to keep the memories as simple as possible. The only days that matter are the first day we met and the last day he took his final breath. (Both were surreal and beautiful.) Everything in between was simply life and relations, the good, the bad, the indifferent. Maybe I'm still too new in this journey to be anything more than cynical at present? I wish I could post a more positive response today. Yak!

Big round of hugs to all, xo, D

No matter how we paint the ones we've lost or ourselves, we are all a handful of trouble as well as a pocketful of joy. It is only normal to see the best in those we lose. The shock of being uprooted and dropped into a new reality is hopefully not something any of us live with on a day to day basis. Even with those in our birth family's, who hasn't asked themselves..."Are we really related"? Hopefully we bring more to the table than we take from it. Most great loves/relationships exist at that level since the alternative is a world filled with carbon copies of ourselves. Nonetheless most of us stay within the boundaries of sufficient individual craziness to help each other grow and enough sanity to know when we've gotten too close to crossing the line and are losing focus. It gives us the chance to express something very important to any relationship..... FORGIVENESS, which builds trust and makes all of those moments when we were in absolute alignment, so precious. From those moments we appreciate that we did not fall in love with PERFECT, but found someone who did not hold us under a microscope as well.

Love your post - so much to think about. I've had the same thoughts as you - somehow when that person dies they become a saint. Well Rich was no saint (neither was I) and our relationship sure wasn't perfect. Is anybody's? We definitely had our ups and downs like everybody else. But I guess what it comes down to is this - I loved him and I know he loved me. One of the last words I heard from him was how much he loved me. I guess that's the part to dwell on. It's been almost 9 months for me - - and now I can think back on the good, the bad and the ugly. And for the most part we had a good life. I know we both did our best and the fact that we lasted 33 years must mean something!
Thanks for your post - here's hoping we all can remember the good and leave the bad somewhere behind us.
Hugs to you

I loved my husband and felt lucky and blessed to be his wife, but yes, at times I took him for granted or wasn't as kind as I could have been. Once he was diagnosed with cancer, it was bittersweet, because we got really close, told each other how much we appreciated and loved each other, and for the first time in all of our married life had 24/7 time together. I do love him more now than ever. I have a new appreciation for who he was, how he loved me, the life and family we had together....and I want a do-over to get it right and not fight with him over all the stupid stuff I gave him a hard time about! We were married 21 years and finally to the place where we were cruising along and getting along really well when stupid cancer (I'm being polite) entered the picture. Yes, I love him now more than ever!

I don't know if I would say I love him more now. I think I just have a much greater appreciation of the gift of his love and the huge hole his passing has left. Like most of the other comments I don't think of my husband as a saint. We had our ups and downs just like any other married couple. But after 14 yrs of marriage we were comfortable together. We knew each others ways and mindsets. We liked to hang out with each other. We didn't need much from the outside world. Looking for some paperwork yesterday I came across my binder of his love letters from when we first met. I was in the USA on vacation and then returned to England so we had a long distance relationship. It was glorious to go back to that heady time of long declarations of love and passion and remember the couple we were. Of course there were tears, but also a lot of smiling. I've put the binder by my bed now so I can dip into it often. Reading his words are like being hugged by him again. It reinforces the mindset that our life together was real. It mattered. We made a difference to each other. We truly were partners and I think that's what I miss most. My best friend. Liz

I would say our love grew stronger with each year we were together, from dating in high school to our marriage and raising a family to his illnesses and finally the end stage of our life together. There were ups and downs but we took something special from each experience. I seem to have forgotten the things that annoyed me now. They seem not to be very important as they seemed. I'm just grateful for the time we shared, the friends we made and the memories that will always make me smile. Sharon

I had to think about this a lot before I answered. Does absence make the heart grow fonder? In the end analysis, I don't think so. I married a prince in my thirties, and I had kissed plenty of frogs before him. I knew what I had and both of us worked together to build a good life and a strong marriage. I do think that his death made me appreciate what I had with him even more. I think it is human nature to realize what we had after we lose it, and take it for granted while we have it. I will say that now I cherish the memories of my deceased loved ones and they remain alive for me when I remember them through stories and anecdotes about them.

I for one don't think I could have loved my husband more than I did, but I do agree that I have probably made him a bit more perfect than he was since he died, but for me he was truly perfect in every way and I miss him more each day that goes by. His birthday is March 1st and i am dreading it and it will be 6 months 2 days later so this is a tough time for me.

You love the person warts and all and it will not change. Often we love in spite of the less than perfect, because that is also the way we were loved

I think I do love him more now. But it's because I've changed. I've been through the unthinkable. Paul was very intelligent, he could fix or build anything. Was a computer programmer for industrial automation. He was a great photographer too. But he had flaws like we all do. I'm just more accepting of our differences now. From this perspective, it's not such a big deal. I have become a better person.

Lovehertz- 4 weeks for me as well..

I wonder about the medical care my Ray recieved. Last June we were at an event where they had cleaned and the cleaning smell was really strong. Ray had issues breathing that day and a few days after. So went to the family Dr. treated for broncitis for about 2 mo. Then to a lung specialist for another couple of months. Then an ECHO test and found out his heart valve was leaking blood into his lungs..Thus breathing issues.

For a little over a year before that my sons and I noticed that Ray would have little issues of not remembering things. We all took it as old age..

Fast foward to a month ago. heart surgery, was to need 6 weeks of recovering then could drive, and 3 mo. more before he could fish and get back to his old life. Dr. said he'd be as good as his old self or near as close to his old self as being 64 could be. Only a 7% chanch something could go wrong.

Well I'm here now, so the 7% chanch won. he died a week after having his surgery. I think the surgery went well. I think his heart was weak from being so stressed for so long.

I wonder a lot, what if the first Dr. 7 mo. ago caught the leaking valve instead of thinking he had broncitis. What if the kids and I made Ray see a Dr. over a year ago for his loss of memories. What if's are making my life misserable.

Truth is, the Dr. don't want our loved ones to die. It is not an exact science. A friend of my husbands after he told me how sorry he was about Ray passing said I need to get a lawyer. I won't go there, I think they did what they could have done, we did what we thought was the best with what info we had. I'm sad, I'm heartbroken, but I need to let it go and morn the loss of my Ray.

So sorry for your loss and that we are only 1 month into this and have so many thoughts in our minds. We are just trying to figure this all out, why we're aloine and so-so sad. Will pray for you and a big HUG!!

So many amazing stories. Thank you everyone for being so open, candid and honest. It helps each one of us to know that our lives are not so unique. We all share some kind of commonality.

Morey had symptoms of dementia long before he wound-up in the hospital. His personality had completely changed. He was sullen, angry, sad, confused and refused to talk. Suddenly he'd have episodes of an inability to stand-up. We were in a hotel and he couldn't walk back to the car, I had to rent a wheelchair to get him home.

So many clues to his mini strokes but he refused to go for help and I could nothing to force him. I begged our grown children to make him go to the doctor. He hated doctors; they had made so many mistakes with his and my parents. He was totally disenchanted with the medical community.

I once threatened to leave him if he didn't get medical attention and he said he went to the doctor [while I was at work because he wouldn't let me go with him.]

I MUST learn to let him rest in peace and put my mind at peace but it stirs inside me at times to realize that he was sending us signals years before he actually passed.

His hoarding was part of his sickness and I had to pay the price in cleaning it up and am still going through his "stuff!"

May we ALL know peace within ourselves while on our journey's to capturing a new life!

Roz