Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Another Saturday night out with a few couples (our friends). Had a great night until they ended it by saying how great I am doing.
Do They Know: I pretend in front of them and try to compose myself so they are not uncomfortable with me and may not want to be in my company if they really see me breakdown.
Do They Know: When I leave them I am a basket case and can barely drive home because I am blinded by tears.
Do They Know: The silence and loneliness when I open my door to my home that there is now one to greet me but silence and I am reminded once again 8.5 months seems like an eternity to me.
Do They Know: When I open my eyes at 5:30 I have to hurry up out of bed because I am afraid of my memories might engulf me
Do They Know: Most of the time I am numb, confused,disoriented, can't focus and have to start another day of looking like I have some control
Do They Know: etc, etc, etc,
You all at DS Know
Do They Know: I pretend in front of them and try to compose myself so they are not uncomfortable with me and may not want to be in my company if they really see me breakdown.
Do They Know: When I leave them I am a basket case and can barely drive home because I am blinded by tears.
Do They Know: The silence and loneliness when I open my door to my home that there is now one to greet me but silence and I am reminded once again 8.5 months seems like an eternity to me.
Do They Know: When I open my eyes at 5:30 I have to hurry up out of bed because I am afraid of my memories might engulf me
Do They Know: Most of the time I am numb, confused,disoriented, can't focus and have to start another day of looking like I have some control
Do They Know: etc, etc, etc,
You all at DS Know
and as half a person, you still walk among the living and the, for most part, Whole people. You 'appear' intact, so they can't even visualize what is gone and how little remaining strength, resources, mind, or heart you are trying to function with./ withOut.
Even when a married person tries to imagine what it "would be like" for them to lose their own spouse, so they can try to summon empathy for us, they simply can not do it.
The blending of how "the 2 become 1 flesh" is too invisible. Even hidden from ourselves, until gone.
Maggie
I had a coworker say to me the other day that she was at home with a sick child and watching lifetime movies and saw one that reminded here of the pain and suffering that I was going through. It acually brought me some peace to see that someone sees my pain.
I just try to survive one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Hugs, Sandi
Roz
Nope they don't get it. Never will. It make me feel sad, mad, frustrated and a million other emotions at the same time.
Maybe those close to us that have turned away don't want to have to deal with the reality of what is facing them in the future as mentioned in one post.
I really tried to explain to one family member the massive volume of mental pain being experienced and became frustrated when I realized what I was saying was getting through to any degree whatsoever. Then I experienced it several other times with other family members and friends with the same results.
I finally decided it is impossible to explain how your heart is basically ripped to pieces, how virtually every function in your life
has now been entirely changed, how every plan for the future has just completely disappeared, how your best friend and confidant has disappeared, how the shoulder to cry on in bad times or the ear to listen in bad times has suddenly disappeared or how the beautiful smite that appeared with a funny moment or a time of celebration is suddenly gone. I decided it is impossible o explain how it is to wake up and, for a moment, think it is all a nightmare and then realize in seconds that you are reaching over and feeling only the top of the comforter in the space next to you or you prepare to try to go to sleep and there is no one to whom to say I
Love You while knowing you are going to hear those words said back to you before you close your eyes. It is impossible to explain all of the " triggers " on television of products being advertised that you bought for the one that is gone or the places they show that were visited and we hoped to visit. It is impossible to even try to explain a complete breakdown in a supermarket simply because you picked up the favorite soda of the loved one and placed it in the shopping cart and moving to the checkout area before realizing it should stay on the shelf.
It is just impossible to explain ANY of it unless you have either been through it or are going through it. I am using the words " been through it " as though there is an end to the whole process. However, I don't think there is enough years left in my life to ever reach the point where the wound is completely healed and I will be able to say " been through it ". My hope is the emotional pain will gradually lessen from massive intensity to a dull roar. At this point, I would settle for that.
Apologies for such a long post.
Darrell from Houston .
Debbie
The experts talk about "stages" that we go through. But, it's not as if the stages have any formation to them.......they come at us randomly. Sometimes the feelings linger like a black cloud hovering over my head. attached in some mysterious way. I can't shake myself loose of the grip that they have on me.
Sometimes it's all too consuming and I know that if I don't go with the flow of it all, I will surely go insane.
Allowing myself the time to cry without reservation can be so cathartic. I cry and say his name over and over again. I must admit as the time is passing, I need to do this less but I still need to do it.
Roz