Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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Do They Know???

carrie415
carrie415
Another Saturday night out with a few couples (our friends). Had a great night until they ended it by saying how great I am doing.

Do They Know: I pretend in front of them and try to compose myself so they are not uncomfortable with me and may not want to be in my company if they really see me breakdown.

Do They Know: When I leave them I am a basket case and can barely drive home because I am blinded by tears.

Do They Know: The silence and loneliness when I open my door to my home that there is now one to greet me but silence and I am reminded once again 8.5 months seems like an eternity to me.

Do They Know: When I open my eyes at 5:30 I have to hurry up out of bed because I am afraid of my memories might engulf me

Do They Know: Most of the time I am numb, confused,disoriented, can't focus and have to start another day of looking like I have some control

Do They Know: etc, etc, etc,

You all at DS Know
baileyolson
baileyolson
Very powerful words. Yes, it seems the dear peple here are the only ones we can rely on to "get it." I am so grateful for you all. I'm also so sorry we all had to "meet" here. I hope things slowly get a little easier. Hugs, ~Bailey ~ I
ssdad
ssdad
I completely know. I don't like those, "you are so strong" and "you're an inspiration" comments. They only see the public facade. They have no idea the amount of tears and strangled sobs that happen in private.

It's been 16 weeks since my husband died, and it's not getting better, it's just continued "contained" sadness all the time, but plentiful tears in "safe" moments.
rebl3157
rebl3157
I always hear "you are the strongest woman I know" and "I don't know how you do it". Sorry to say they will all get their turn.
Rachel
Squeege
Squeege
I can relate. But what can they say? They dont get it.
loveddogs
loveddogs
No Carrie they don't know and they never will until this happens to them and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I can relate to everything you are feeling as I am sure all of us here can! We have become fantastic actors and actresses haven't we? Unfortunately there is no reward, just heartache. Hang in there kiddo, we all get it! hugs and love, Michele
deb20
deb20
People can be clueless. The thing is, this is something everyone eventually faces. (Unless they both go at once, which is rare) I think sometimes that reality makes it hard for people to know how to react. They don't like a reminder of their own future and it complicates things. They want us to have an easy time. They can feel better about us and also hope things are easier when it's their turn.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
No, they have no clue.... Big Hugs to you....
cheri4810
cheri4810
Carrie: Well Said. It is exactly how I feel.

Cheri~
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever
Awww do they know your terrific just the way you are!!!! I know, I truly do believe your husband is looking down, and with you every step that you are taking. much love and big hugs carla
pattygriffith
pattygriffith
People tell me that all the time...
*I cant believe how well you are handling this.
*You are the strongest person I know.
*Stay strong
*you are very tough


But they really don't know. Behind closed doors is a different way. Us that have been there and going through it know all to well. The silence ,the loneliness, the sadness, the thoughts, the no sleep, the different way of life.

People assume that because you are smiling or laughing means you are over it or dealing with it. I have told people I can pretend really well.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
They see the facade, the face we show them and they believe it. They want to believe that it is okay and if it happens to them that they will be okay. Inside they're frightened and don't want to know the truth because we are trained to go towards the fun people. After all, we didn't know either. You have us and we have each other. Sharon
Nicker07
Nicker07
Sharon said it so well. They want us to be ok, they do not want to face anyone being grief stricken, they want to believe like she said if it happens it will be ok too. And they do not want to be bothered with hearing about your sadness and loss anymore. I have always said here why do we not have grief added to our curriculum in schools, churches, universities etc.
n8vgrl
n8vgrl
No. Unless they've been there, they don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am wearing out my welcome with friends. I put on that smile and act like everything is just fine which, you all know, it isn't. No. It's not fine. No. I am not interested in dating anyone yet. Sometimes I become a recluse and lately that's been often. No, they don't know and I hope they never do. Hugs.
-Becca
patty6953
patty6953
I totally know your meaning! I feel the same way. Unfortunately, only one of my dearest friends knows what I'm truly going through. Everyone else hasn't a clue! They say I'm strong and I'll get through this. I'm back to work after two weeks of my husband's sudden passing. I'm staying in our home until I can find another place to live, because I can't keep the house he wanted us to build together. But, know one honestly knows our pain unless they also have had a spouse pass. And then also everyone goes through the grief process differently! Most of our friends and family have been really supportive. But, few know my smile is a mask, others are afraid to ask, others are concerned but I guess waiting for me to say something. It's hard and I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. But, know your pain! Hugzzz
Rainbow27
Rainbow27
I now find myself being more comfortable around my widow friends that I made in the support group(s). These ladies give me the strength to want to be around my long-time friends and try to move forward. The support ladies and I meet with once a week, and we see a movie and go to dinner, share what we are feeling. No one wants to go home to the empty house - they get it. How can anyone understand that total sense of aloneness, the person who had our back, made us a cup of coffee or tea, a reason to live, laugh and have joy, the thought that we would grow old together, never to hear his voice, his laugh, a kiss, holding his hand... No they don't get it.