Oh absolutely! Divorce is generally a mutual decision, and even when it is not, there is usually some rancor. It's a loss of course, and a sad one as well. But the death of a spouse can't be compared to a divorce. Death rips our loved ones from our arms and there is never any going back. Never any hope to be with them again except through our own death - and our culture doesn't even allow us to facilitate our own deah so that we may have some control over what has happened to us.

No, a support group for divorcee's would not do for widows or widowers.

I have been through both and both were too traumatic, but yes they were so so different. My first husband left me after 16 years of marriage not knowing if he wanted to be married or not anymore. It was the death of a marriage for me. My self esteem was that of the dirt on the ground under a dogs feet at that point.

I have to say though that even divorce can be much different from divorce. It matters whether it is a mutual decision, or it is one person walking out on the other. It matters who wants it. For some people divorce is the death of the person that they thought they were married to. They grieve the loss of their life that they had. To me though it is still so so different!!

I have to say that after my divorce from my first husband, I later met and married the love of my life, Denny. I then was treated like Gold and I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I didn't realize just how aweful my first marriage was until I found the real thing.

When I lost Denny after only 12 short years together, it was devasting! My self esteem was 100% intact, but my whole world was gone! Nothing could prepare me for the physical pain of losing him to a brain tumor! It didn't compare in the least to going through the divorce.

Half of me was gone....gone!!! I would have given anything for him to have been able to live his own life...I would have even given him up if he could have lived! He didn't get that chance. It was devastating!!

So...I know why some people compare, and I know just how there is no comparison.

hugs...
-Diana

I've been divorced. I've been widowed.

Divorce is sad. Widowhood is DEVASTATING.

Divorce after the initial hurt and shock, you move on.

Widowhood?!? You never "move on" you can only try and move forward.

Divorce your children still have a father, at least in body breathing.

Widowhood??? Your children will NEVER see their dad again

Divorce, you self esteem takes a hit, and you start to rebuild it.

Widowhood? Your entire sence of self is SHATTERED. EVERYthing you believed is called into question.

NO COMPARISON.

So sorry that this happened to you yet again.

Diane

I had a woman tell that she thought divorce was probably harder because she still had to deal with her husband who left her and she wished he was dead! She said at least my wife dying was final and that I could move on where she couldn't move on! What the hell! I stood there stunned and for the second time in my life... speechless. The first time being the night she died.

The other thing that gets me is filling out some forms and they only offer married or single. I know this sounds crazy, but "legally" I'm not still married, but I didn't choose to be single either yet some forms don't offer widow/widower. I still wear my ring and feel married....

Yes, they are different.

But, in trying to relate to your situation many people onlyhave that as a reference point. And for many, who did not want a divorce, it was a devasting event in their life. It is the closest point of comparision that they have.

You also can not compare giref as to who's is worse. For each person it is individual and personal to them. What may be the most grief in their life is their only way to relate to you....what is THEIR worse grief may not be the same as YOURS.....but it is a correlation.

As for the minister, he probably does NOT think theat they are the same. He just had not thought of having a widows group or no one had asked about one before. You can;t expect everyone to read our minds and to know our needs without making them known. I am sure the Divorce group came out of people requesting it. And he did stop in mid sentence...so hje knows there is a difference.

I have been blessed to only experience a long, loving marriage. Losing my dear husband to cancer last year was, and continues to be, the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life. My life will never be the same.

My oldest son, was devastated to lose his father but only 3 months later, learned his wife was having an affair. He suffered greatly from this betrayal and from the loss of the life he worked 17 years to build with his wife. He moved in with me and for the past 8 months, we both were grieving. The difference between us is that he was able to pick up the pieces of his life and move on. He met a new woman and is enjoying life again. I've never seen him happier and for that I am thankful. However, for me, I continue to struggle to pick up the pieces of my life. I don't know how to be, how to live...alone. It is like I lost half of myself. I feel like a hollow shell of a person.

I know my son suffered greatly from the loss of his marriage and wife, particularly since this happened so soon after losing his father, but, he isn't devastated for life....I fear I will be.

Peace to you, Linda

They are NOT the same, no way. Although both entail some grieving process, with divorce it is a choice. You can always see the individual if you chose. You grieve the loss of the marriage of course. With death, it is not a choice. It is the end period of a marriage or partnership that you didn't expect or plan. It is final. You will not see that person again on this earth. I have experienced both, divorce and the loss through death. There is no comparison. Is the pastor new? What ever was he thinking?

People that are divorced are usually glad to get rid of each other. Death is a whole different thing. We would do anything to get them back.

Maggie

I was divorced, twice, and it was hard, but no way does it compare to losing my spouse to death.
It is another example of those who haven't walked in our shoes. Nerfmom

I have been both divorced and widowed and my personal view is that they are very different and it is impossible to compare. It gets into this whole "my pain is greater than your pain" contest. I say do not compare; just accept that each situation is painful and if you have not gone through the exact same thing yourself, you are never going to understand. laurabp

They are both really bad, but WidowERhood is by far the worst, by far, far, far,far far, far. No comparison, take it from one who know : (

Both for me, and there is no comparison. My husband gave me and my children new life, love, and trust that we had never known.There is no way that we will ever find that again. When He passed away we lost so much.

I was with my Les 31 years, and never had a divorce so I don`t know what that is like. What I do know is I would much rather have him gone, or even with someone else then in the ground! G-

Im new at this but here gos...im divorced, an have been for 8 yrs.2 yrs ago i met a great man who is widowed and has been for 5 yrs...Now we are talking about moving in together..Me moving in to his home,the home he shared or over 20 yrs with his wife ... I feel comfortable there and want to make it a home for both of us.I need to hear from any body that has gone through this ..i have never had this experience before...need some input..thanks

You probably have the wrong forum.

We have gone through losing spouses...we are widows and widowers.

While I understand why people post here on topics concerning dating a widow/widower...this is actually not the forum for that topic. If you need informatoin on BEING a widow...we can handle that one!

and you need to start a new topic where you post a title and have people reply to that topic only...not add a new one on to an old one as you did here.