I have been divorced and now I have lost the love of my life to death.
I was also in my 20's and had one daughter at the time and I was hurt but not devastated more like angry and after awhile I felt relief.
I was looking forward to finding the one Love that would erase my bad memories and to push on with my life.
Now being widowed I am devastated beyond words the pain is so deep and I am not in search of a new Love because I already had him now he is gone never to be with again in my life time not even a chance of a glimpse of him driving down the road.

Death is final Divorce is not the same in any form other then the pain of possibly never being with them again but they are still breathing. There are always chances of divorcees getting back together I have many divorced friends that are a example of this but do we widows or widowers have a chance of reuniting with our deceased partner? Not in this lifetime.

I agree many divorces are painful and sad but its just not the same thing.

SuddenlyAlone, thank you for your reply. I can see how your experience has been different than mine. I think my age has a lot to do with my adjusting to widowhood more easily than I did the divorce. You are younger, and I do get that the finality of death is hitting you perhaps harder than me. Hope the pain for you will ease a little each day. laurabp

This is a very good question, in that it has forced me to look at certain issues in my life that I chose to forget..I was married briefly in my 20.s and divorced a few years after.. I was devastated and felt like a failure-It took me five years to recover.. I met Michael, and experienced unbelievable love and happiness..only to loose him to cancer(after 17 years)... The first couple of months of my grieving was intensely painful, but after a while I came to realize that I wanted to be happy more than anything else- I knew that I could achieve happiness again,because I had before....The thoughts that motivated me, was the comparison between how I felt when I got divorced, and how I felt when I was widowed... and I realized then that "this too shall pass.."We all go through cycles in our lives-moments of sadness and happiness, moments of loss and of gain...In each case we experience the loss and grieve it... but eventually it passes... and we are able to move on and be happy again... No one has ever measured how much love and how much pain the heart can hold...The assumption though, is that your sadness is directly in proportion to your happiness... The amount of grief that you experience in any loss situation is directly in proportion to the extent that you loved...The only difference between divorce and death is that in death the love will always be there, it never dies..Because we were so happy, a positive blessing that I personally gained from Michael's death was that to honor him I needed to be as happy as what I could possibly be...

Interesting topic, I was divorced in my 20's as well. At the time I felt like my world was over. But God sent me Ronnie and we had 17 wonderful years together. I can honestly say losing Ronnie to death is definetly worse than my divorce. My first husband cheated, was mean, and didn't love me like Ronnie did. My first husband left me for my best friend, go figure. Anyways, when you find the love of your life and the life that God intended you to have it is devastating to loose it. And I agree with suddenly, that you still get the chance to see the ex, and that will never happen again in our lifetimes. To be honest, at some point this past year, I thought why could it have been my ex, instead of the only father who loved and raised our boys. I know that was a bad thought, but it was there. So I vote being widowed is worse than divorce. Hugs, Pam

I was divorced 20 years ago and then married the most beautiful woman (Linda) who became my best friend and true soul mate. I lost Linda to brain cancer about 9 months ago. I believe in either case our pain is in direct proportion to how much we loved the person at the time of the loss. In most divorce situations (or when one spouse has an affair) the relationship between the spouses is fragile and there are usually indications that something is wrong ... in reality the love between the two has usually diminished and therefore I don't believe the pain of MOST divorces compares with the death of a spouse. HOWEVER, since I loved Linda totally and with all my heart ... IF ... god forbid ... she came to me and declared that she loved someone else and wanted a divorce ... I believe I would have been crushed beyond belief and that it would have been harder than losing her to death.

Most members of DS are here because we were very much in love with our spouses. I think there are marriages (unfortunately way too many) where the love between the two has diminished and the pain is significantly less than most of us are experiencing.

Many of you have read my one journal entry (My Love Story) and I would like to restate the lesson and gift that my Linda left me with ... the death of our spouse is final but our ability to love is not. She taught me that our hearts can expand to love more than one person and whether we are feeling pain from the death of a spouse or from a divorce it is important that we don't let our ability to love die with our loved one. Each of us deserves to be happy and our loved one wants us to be happy. In time I hope that everyone here will maintain their ability to love and be loved.

Love, Tom

I haven't been on lately so hello to everyone. This is a discussion that hits home for me. I was divorced after 19years of marriage and met the true love of my life shortly after(he having a similiar divorce around the same time). I will say that death is so much more final than divorce regardless of how the people felt about each other. My ex and I are Ok and he got along well with Bill. There was no problem but if I want to (which trust me I don't) I could always touch or converse with my ex. I will never be able to do that with Bill. For that reason I see the grieving process entirely different. There was a book recommended to me called "Life after Loss" that compares the two. I very much disagreed with the author.

I was a widow at age 25, then I met a man who was divorced and we got married he told me once in a way I was lucky, because he still had to deal with her (3 kids, we had them). He was not down playing what I had gone though, but just making a statment. We were married 20 years and I lost him last April. Family jokes I am a black widow. I have had bad days where I would ask him really think this is easier, the pain is always there. I think people who go though divorce after a while think they can move on with their life, where (again I think) with death you just try and make it though the day. I know divorce is painful and they do grieve what could of been, where in death the grieve is could something I done changed anything.
They are not (again I think) they are anywhere near he same thing.

I would just like to add that circumstances of divorice can differ. I was in a situation where I was so totally unaware of his unhappiness or should we say his desire to roam. The day he asked me for a divorice I could hardly believe it. Obviously, I was a bit naive, but I tended to take people for their word. He claimed he was playing raquetball, at the gym, bowling, fishing, etc. and even though I would become annoyed at his constant absence at times, he was more active than I. I was devastated by his request. It took me a very long time to get over this. Not quite the same as a death, when two people are happily committed and want to be together.

A friend of mine experienced similar. They were together for some time before they were married, and she was so happy when they finally committed. He did the same thing to her--cheated and decided he no longer wanted to be married--and after a year of treatment for his cancer, once he was free he asked her for a divorice. She was so shocked and hurt. Now, after my husband's death, she did say to me "I know this isn't exactly the same thing, but I remember how awful divorce was and how painful it is to lose someone you truly love." I absolutely took no offense to that because I had experienced both and recognized her sincerity.

I've been through both.

People's experience of both events will vary.

It took me a long time to find someone after a divorce but that was mainly because I was angry and had problems trusting. So that it took years was not a measure of my loss but of something else.

I feel fully over my divorce. No regrets.I think of it and there is no pain at all.

I suspect no one feels that about bereavement.

I have been thru both, the divorce and now a widow.
I honestly believe Pam that being a widow is
worse than going thru a divorce.
I was angry, but I did get over it very fast, and moved on, with the great support from my late husband.
Now its time again to move on.....

michelle

Thank you all so far for your replies. I think that what started me on this poll was that I was hearing from a few people that divorce is NOT painful, and I wanted to see how you all felt about that. I would agree with all of you that it is definitely a DIFFERENT type of grief than being widowed. I think the reason that I am adjusting to some aspects of widowhood sooner than some of you is that my husband had to go to live in an assisted living facility after his first stroke in 2004, so I have already been through the part of adjusting to living alone and having to handle my everyday life alone; it took me the first year of him living away to adjust, and I can tell you I cried a lot that year. Then too, with the vascular dementia I had to see him going downhill little by little, both physically and mentally, so I was already grieving in stages, before he actually died. I knew he was living on "borrowed time" for 5 years. Some of you I know were hit with your loss suddenly and that has got to be much more difficult. Bottom line is though, we all loved our spouses and all have suffered loss.
Anyway, it has been interesting to read all your posts; thanks for sharing. laurabp

Thank you so very much for this post. I was once told by a pastor and his wife that the two were the same as far as grief went shortly after loosing my husband. I was so offended it wasn't funny. I think I did a similar post but didn't get as many replies as you had in this so thank you. I am curious now though after having been through both how many of you would want to find another person and marry again given the chance. Especially when you may have to go through the whole process again if spounc 3? dies? I recently went to the funeral of a man who married 3 times in his life time and survived all three. Going through the death of one spounce has been wow. I can imagine doing it 3 times, but he said in his jornal that he couldn't stand to be single he loved being married. In fact weeks before his passing he was holding hands with a lady 4 years younger than him at 89 years of age.

This is a reply to heliftsmeup (Therese) who wants to know if anyone who has been through both a divorce and the death of their spouse would want to marry again. Some of you have read my journal entry (My Love Story) and probably know my answer to this question. I have been divorced and I lost my incredible wife (Linda) to brain cancer nine months ago. Our beautiful marriage was based on spiritual philosophies which we formed together when we initially bonded after the death of Linda's first husband.

Here is the key concept that we believed in ...

In order to grow as an individual and to be happy and fulfilled everyone needs a "mirror to their soul". Someone who reflects our goodness and makes us feel good about our self when we love and care for others. This concept was not "invented" by us ... it is a philosophy that has been taught for generations by some of the world's greatest philosophers.

I know that Linda and I each felt that if something happened to either of us that we would want the other person to seek happiness as soon as possible and that if there was someone else who could be the "mirror" to the remaining spouse then that was beautiful. This is the basis of "unconditional" love. If our spouse loved us unconditionally then they certainly want us to be happy and fulfilled. Who os us would not want our spouse to be happy and fulfilled if we were the one who died?

I would not want to remarry just to have a companion or to avoid being lonely. I would hope to bond with someone who was able to be my "mirror" ... someone who shared many of my beliefs and values ... someone who reflected my goodness and motivated me to continue to grow and care for others ... someone who would allow me to be their "mirror" and appreciated me for being able to help them grow and love others.

I get frustrated when I read the comments of so many fellow widows and widowers who remain closed to finding someone else in their life for far too long. I know that each of us must grieve in our own way and in our own time frame but I wish that everyone would realize that it is OK to want to be happy ... at least eventually ... and that it is OK to be open to bonding with someone else ... at least eventually.

I realize that many widows and widowers find this to be an offensive position especially if they lost their love within the last several months. I respect their feelings and I also have felt the tremendous pain that we all go through ... but ... I believe so strongly in the value of having a "mirror to our soul" that I am committed to communicating this message whenever I can.

Love to all, Tom

I have never been divorced so I have nothing revelant to say except after being widowed a friend at work who was divorced and I became good friends.
I can't speak to the pain but I waned to share her comment to me. Upon returning to work I was surrounded by caring, concerned coworkers. My divorced friend being one of them. She later (appropriately) shared with me the difference reaction she received after her divorce. It was one of whispering and gossip, her husband surprised her after 20 years of marriage with the statement 'he wanted a divorce. he was in love with someone else'
My friend was devastated. I don't think we can measure the pain for comparison. Both her and I were devastated. Sharon

To "heliftsmeup", you have a very good questions there! And Tom has a very good response as well. The one observation that I would make is that I have noticed that people marry for a variety of reasons, and that has a lot to do I think, with the question of whether or not they would chance it again after 2 big losses. Some people marry primarily for companionship, some for financial security, some for fear of being alone, etc. And love, of course. I have a friend who went on an all-out campaign to find a new husband after the death of her 2nd husband, and it looked to me like she just "settled" so that she wouldn't grow old alone. I still do not like the guy she married. However SHE is happy, so I guess that is what matters. As Tom said, it would be good for us to be OPEN, and I think I am, but I also think that nobody will ever compare to Stan, and I really cannot at this time, at least, envision ever re-marrying. Thank you both for your posts. laurabp