Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hello everyone. I have been following one of the discussions that includes a comparison of the grief from divorce v grief from being widowed, and now I am interested in people's views, if you have experienced both. I will start by saying that I had a brief marriage ending in divorce in my 20's. It took me over 2 years to regain my self confidence; the divorce left me feeling like a failure, like I was never really loved, and the fact that my ex remarried so soon afterward hurt me terribly. I truly did grieve in a sense. People often assume that by the time you divorce, you have no feelings left for each other, but often the feelings are still there and it is other things that break you up. It took me almost 20 years to reunite with a former boyfriend who turned out to be the love of my life and my soulmate. In December, 2008 I lost him after 15 years of marriage. I am now 60 and going through the typical grief process that most of you out there are going through, but I feel so much better as a person than I did after being divorced. I know Stan and I loved and accepted each other unconditionally, and although I miss him in a million ways, I know his love is still with me, carrying me forward to whatever new things are down the road in my life. I am interested in knowing how others feel, so pleass share.
DIvorce on the other hand is not pretty, one party always ends up hurt and left with so many issues. My sister still loves this guy and wishes he would come back. I think this has given her a negative outlook in men, until she finds her true soul mate. She is stuck and the closure she needs is not there so moving on is not possible yet. Her pain is different also because she now doubts/questions the love between them.
The only upside to divorce is not seeing the love of your life die. : (
I'm a whole person on my own and I don't want to give up who I am. Sharon
I think optimistically, no one really wants to live alone, and maybe some of us will be blessed with another chance at happiness. Maybe it's just too soon, but I cannot imagine finding anyone coming close to my husband. He was definitely the one for me. Also, I hate dating. I just feel so uncomfortable in social settings when I don't know the person I'm with. Although, I do believe in "never say never" because none of us really know what's ahead of us! The important thing is that we find peace and happiness in our lives and do what is the right thing for us.
But widowhood was definitely not by choice. For the first week, after learning my husband was brain dead, in the hospital waiting for him to die, waiting to bury him and then for the second week, during the week of sitting Shiva (the Jewish mourning ritual), I was actually "ok". I was surrounded by friends, family, I was too busy to be sad, or lonely. It was after that, the very first Sunday alone that it hit me. I woke up, and went downstairs but only made it halfway down. I stood there, midstairs, just stood there, trying to understand what reason I had to do ANYTHING. I was SO SO SO sad, so lonely -- it was actually painful. I moped all day and finally forced myself out to get a cup of coffee and a box of Capn Crunch (my childhood comfort food!). I have since gotten myself on anti depressants and am seeing a therapist and it has helped a hundredfold.