Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I see so many messages and people mention things that they experienced in their comment along with a message to the question or discussion someone has posted.
My husband died at home. When he was dying I didn't know how long he had. Then suddenly one evening when we were beside him (me, my sister in law and mother in law) he started having problems breathing. I saw one of his lungs collapse and I immediately tried to give him more oxygen. I was panicking seeing what was happening and not know if it was death or a seizure or what. Then I was at his foot side of the bed with my hands on his legs and he drew his last breath. I shook him and called his name. I knew he was going to die, but now I couldn't believe it.
I said I need to lie down with him now!! I climbed into the bed and lay beside him with my arm around him and my head on his shoulder. I hugged him and didn't let go until I had to call hospice to report it. Then back to my hubby. I could finally hug him again around his chest and he not feel pain (lung cancer/ cancer in bones). So I did. I would get up and makes some calls and back to my honey. I knew this would be the last time I could hold him. Then after midnight when they came to get him for the mortuary, I kissed him all over his face. And always kissed his beautiful sparkling blue eyes, now without a twinkle.
I watched everything they did to be sure there was no disrespect to his body. After all he'd been through no one was going to treat my husband with disrespect. They were excellent. So careful, so caring. Oh it was hard. I didn't want him to go. Like I wanted to keep him, but I knew I couldn't do that either. It was like a terrible dream. The mortuary people did such a fine job I got their phone numbers and called them personally to thank them for their respect for my husband and their care of his body.
They were in shock. They said no one ever calls them. They were very grateful for my phone call, making their next person to pick up a bit easier.
I did see my love one last time before he was to be cremated. He was dressed in his nice clothes and it was like at a funeral. I gave him the very last kisses I'd ever give him and cried on his body. It was the saddest time of my life.
If you can share and would like to, please do. I think I just needed to get this off my chest.
I only wish that hospice had told me what to expect, so I would know, right now is the time. Instead of giving him more oxygen I could've been hugging him .
My husband died at home. When he was dying I didn't know how long he had. Then suddenly one evening when we were beside him (me, my sister in law and mother in law) he started having problems breathing. I saw one of his lungs collapse and I immediately tried to give him more oxygen. I was panicking seeing what was happening and not know if it was death or a seizure or what. Then I was at his foot side of the bed with my hands on his legs and he drew his last breath. I shook him and called his name. I knew he was going to die, but now I couldn't believe it.
I said I need to lie down with him now!! I climbed into the bed and lay beside him with my arm around him and my head on his shoulder. I hugged him and didn't let go until I had to call hospice to report it. Then back to my hubby. I could finally hug him again around his chest and he not feel pain (lung cancer/ cancer in bones). So I did. I would get up and makes some calls and back to my honey. I knew this would be the last time I could hold him. Then after midnight when they came to get him for the mortuary, I kissed him all over his face. And always kissed his beautiful sparkling blue eyes, now without a twinkle.
I watched everything they did to be sure there was no disrespect to his body. After all he'd been through no one was going to treat my husband with disrespect. They were excellent. So careful, so caring. Oh it was hard. I didn't want him to go. Like I wanted to keep him, but I knew I couldn't do that either. It was like a terrible dream. The mortuary people did such a fine job I got their phone numbers and called them personally to thank them for their respect for my husband and their care of his body.
They were in shock. They said no one ever calls them. They were very grateful for my phone call, making their next person to pick up a bit easier.
I did see my love one last time before he was to be cremated. He was dressed in his nice clothes and it was like at a funeral. I gave him the very last kisses I'd ever give him and cried on his body. It was the saddest time of my life.
If you can share and would like to, please do. I think I just needed to get this off my chest.
I only wish that hospice had told me what to expect, so I would know, right now is the time. Instead of giving him more oxygen I could've been hugging him .
You feel regret that you should have grabbed Tommy wire and all,...I feel the same way. I have those moments and really it bothers me a lot.
But I know I am glad I was the one to care for Don and be there for him during his struggle, pain, suffering...to be by his side. I would do anything for him. And your comments hit me hard too. It's so hard and there is just so much grief. It's like you've cried buckets and still have buckets left.
I appreciate you sharing what happened to Tommy. Sometimes I feel like I want people to understand the struggle of my husband (my friends, family) because unless they were in my shoes they really don't know. And I don't want any one to be-little the anguish of it all.
To think it was not as bad as all that....so I want them to know so maybe they can understand why I am the way I am and do the things I do etc., etc.
Taking that next step is the hardest, where to go, move, stay here....on and on. But we will go on and adjust to this new life without our loved one.
I wish there were Happy Pills or Happy Tea or Happiness in a fruit.
We will get there eventually. Take care all.
I dropped my son off at school and had just parked my car and was gathering my things when my cell phone rang. My daughter was crying and screaming into the phone "Rusty's not breathing", I screamed and told her to call 911(which they already had I could hear the sirens), I could hear Diana doing CPR in the background.
Rusty was 45 yrs old, what was going on. It took me less than 5 minutes to get home and I couldn't even park on my street there were so many emergency vehicles. I run up to the house and they tried to stop me from going in. I told them it was my house and my daughter and husband were in there. Diana came running out and grabbed me, she said they are working on him. I asked where my daughter was and Diana told me she was sent upstairs to her room once EMS got there.
They let me inside to go up to my daughter. I couldn't even see anything but paramedics inside my house. I could here them working on him, I have a medical background and understood everything they were saying. I was rushed upstairs and I grabbed and hugged my daughter. Paramedics kept coming upstairs asking if he took any medications or was ill or sick. They did that at least 3 times. They also came upstairs at least 3 times to tell me to prepare for the worst.
They worked on Rusty for an hour downstairs in my living room trying to resuscitate him. During this time I had to call his parents, his daughter, his brother and sister. They finally loaded him in the ambulance and took him to the hospital.
Diana drove me and my daughter. My stepdaughter picked up my son at school and met us all at the hospital. As soon as I got to the emergency room, they took me back to a separate waiting area. I kept waiting to hear he was going into surgery or anything else. Instead a doctor and nurse came in and I knew they were going to tell me he was gone. The doctor said even if he had his heart attack at the hospital they wouldn't have been able to save him.
I had to tell every family as they showed up at the hospital. They let me see him and I sat and held him for hours and hours. I would let him go, I was afraid to leave the hospital because I knew would be truly alone. All the family came and said goodbye to him, my best friends came and took my kids to eat, they cleaned up the house from all the paramedics so we wouldn't have to see any of it.
I have a hard time being in the house, Diana is a nurse and has constantly second guessed herself if she did everything right. I know she did, I know she did everything right. I thank God she was here and my daughter was not home alone with Rusty when he had his heart attack.
On Friday April 17, 2009 my Dad came in the morning to visit with Jim. We rolled Jim out on the deck and they enjoyed the nice weather. My Dad asked Jim if he was glad to be home and he said yes. I fed him lunch and put him to bed and waited for the CNA I hired to stay with him so I could get out and shop. I was in the produce department of Pick n Save when I got the call from her that she thinks he passed away. Call 911 I said. Well I left my filled cart of groceries and drove as fast as I could to get home. He was gone but he loooked so very peaceful. I called my two daughters and they were on their way over. I felt the coroner made me feel like I killed him but they saw how ill he was. All the days I was there for him and he dies when I was gone....I think he died without me there because he knew it was the best way. Well it's been 7 years and I still miss him. He was 60 years old.
It wasn't supposed to happen like that, I thought we had many more years ahead of us and I couldn't accept what my eyes were telling me. I shook him and told him to "wake up, please wake up". I tried giving him CPR but don't even know if I was knowing it correctly. I called 911 and they got here very fast, put a tube down his throat and told me it didn't look good. They took him to the nearest hospital and I followed in a cab.
When I got there and two doctors called me in, I really believed that they would have been able to help him and that after a brief stay, he would be coming home (even though my mind knew better, my heart still wouldn't accept it. I asked them if my husband was going to be OK. They told me "no". I still couldn't grasp that he was gone. It was just so very sudden and totally unexpected.
To this day, after a year and 3 weeks, I still relive that day over and over, thinking if only I had done something different, Don would still be here with me.