My husband Cliff died at home. The evening before, I had done the last of my art and craft shows, and it had been a good day, a successful day. We were both tired but happy on the long drive home, and we discussed our plans for the future. What we were going to do after the youngest graduated high school next year, what we were going to work on for the next few months, and even our plans for the next day - a holiday, Veterans Day. He complained of some indigestion and fatigue but that was all.

The next morning, before dawn, I awoke to the sound of him gasping/choking. He had sleep apnea, so I thought it was that again, and tried to wake him up, telling him to wake up and breathe. I shook him trying to wake him, then realized it wasn't his apnea. I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall and pounded on my older son's door, waking him up and shouting "call 911! NOW!" I ran back to the bedroom, put my arms around Clifff begging him to breathe. By this time, both my sons had woken up and were standing in our bedroom door, sleepily trying to understand what was going on. Then Cliff gasped his last, in my arms, with me screaming "don't leave me - not like this!" And I watched the light leave his eyes. He was dead. We had all just seen him die.

He told me once that if that ever happened that he didn't want to be resuscitated, but naturally, that was not in my head - I had to save him! I started CPR, told my son to call 911. He did but didn't know what to tell them, came and got me, I ran to the phone and said my husband is having a heart attack -get somebody here quick! Then ran back to Cliff and continued CPR until the paramedics arrived.

First to arrive was a fire engine and crew who wouldn't or couldn't do anything to help. That was weird. Then finally the paramedic crew showed up.

8 paramedics worked on him for I don't know how long - injections, intubating him, CPR, heart monitor - nothing. I was getting dressed figuring they would get his heart started again and then we would go to the hospital and everything would okay. Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?? No. They "called it." My husband, the father of my children, my other half, and all the dreams we had discussed the night before - was dead.

I was in shock. I called my sister and woke her up - shock. The paramedics were packing up when the police arrived. The paramedics captain told me the monitor indicated a very deep wave attack, and told me no one could have brought him back - the attack was so deep and severe. I am grateful he told me that - it did help lessen some of the survivor guilt I and my sons had later - it didn't prevent it altogether, unfortunately.

The police arrived to determine if it was a crime scene, and interrogated me like a criminal. I will never forget that either as long as I live. The cop told me I needed to arrange to have the body removed - I didn't even know what to do or who to call or anything. I was still in shock. My husband has just unexpectedly died and was dead less than a couple of hours. My head was in a spin. I was told to call Cliff's doctor to sign a death certificate. His doctor had last seen him 14 months prior, and because of that, he would not sign the certificate and Cliff's body would have to be autopsied. I was horrified! The whole nightmare just got worse and worse. The one decent thing the cop did was to refer me to the fineral home who eventually picked up his body and made all the arrangements.

Before they took him away, I kissed his face - I couldn't kiss his lips - the paramedics had left him intubated and left medical detritus - medical garbage - all over my bedroom. (I would find bits of medical junk for months afterwards.) I cut a lock of his hair to keep, I couldn't let him go without saving something of him. Weird what the mind does in extreme situations. Then my sons and my sister said their goodbyes, the funeral home guys showed up, and carried our lives out in a body bag.

I couldn't do anything to our bedroom and couldn't sleep in it - I didn't know if the police were going to come back - for a week. They had treated me like a criminal, and until the autopsy and death certificate were done, I didn't know if they were going to come back. Maybe it was unusual to have a guy die in his own bed at only 55, and yeah, it might have been unusual for him to sleep in the nude, but that's what it was. How I survived that first week, I do not know.

I won't go into the rest of the gorey details, there is a lot more. I will tell you that I buried him with a lock of my hair placed in his hands over his heart, together with half of the petals of the rose he had picked for me from our garden just 2 days before he died.

MrsL, I think we all question some part of what happened and wish we had known more what to do - regardless of whether the death was expected or not. Over the years, one thing that has really sunk in for me, and I hope it does for you, too, is that the important thing is that he knew you loved him. Regardless of how the last moments played out - the love is what matters.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Martha, whoa, I would be in complete turmoil if I had been questioned like a criminal!! How horrible is that, I can't even believe it would happen that way, just unspeakable!
I am so sorry for your loss. It is very hard I know, when you're running around trying to SAVE your dying spouse. I am also so incredibly sorry for the treatment from the authorities. Just when you are already in shock mode and grief disbelief mode, they do this to you.
My husband died at 8:17pm. I called hospice to notify them. Then they called the sheriff's office. So I had the hospice guy show up at about 10pm. He declared my husband deceased. The sheriff deputy came over and I had to sign paperwork. Hospice guy had me take my hubby's morphine and he poured it into a cup of cat litter I got for him, showed it to the deputy saying, the morphine is disposed of now. It was about 9:30pm or so when I called the mortuary to leave the info to come and pickup my husband. THey arrived at about 12:30am. It was long and short time in my mind. I knew he was leaving and it took hours for them to get here as they had others.
But they wrapped Don in a white sheet that had particular folds in it.
They wrapped his arms and legs against his body tight. Then gently transferred him to a gurney. Covered him with a velvet sheet. That's when I kissed him all over his face, goodbye. BUT I too, got large lock of his hair that I loved, curly and thick, soft and it still smells of shampoo. I also put a lock of my hair with him for his cremation along with many mementos.


I understand why you did CPR even though there was a DNR on order. It was automatic that you would respond in that manner. But all the conspiracy theory type treatment is wow, I don't have words.
I am glad you had your kids with you.

Do you think our husbands saw us doing what we were doing when they were dying? Their spirits? I wonder about that sometimes.

But you are right. Our love is what mattered. Love, care and commitment.
We don't have any kids. My husbands has a son I keep in touch with who is grown. He's special and I love him too. There are times I wish I had a son that was ours, but it wasn't to be.
Thank you for responding. You were the only one. Thank you so much Martha, for sharing. It lets me know I am not the only one to experience the confusion and horror and I have guilt about the oxygen thing and can't get past it. You have helped.
I wish you a wonderful life. THANKS.
I AM very glad to have found Daily Strength!
Letty

Yes, at home, with me performing CPR to the best of my ability. A lot of guilt about not being a trained paramedic, about only doing the best I could, which wasn't good enough. His physician told he couldn't have saved him if he had been with him in a fully staged operating room. Still very little consolation.

As Martha says, in the end, you arrive at the point where you realize the life and the love are what was important, and you forgive yourself, for being human.

Hugs,
Val

Mrs. L, my husband also passed at home. HIs last month of his life he was on hospice care. The day before he passed, he was very weak, but still able to sit in recliner and watch a bit of tv. The next morning we were up very early and his breathing was very labored. He asked for help. I called hospice immediately and nurse came an hour later. When she said she was going to administer morphine, I knew this was the end, and I held his hand, kissed his lips and told my dear sweet husband how much I loved him. Hours later he took his last breath as I held his hand and also had my other hand on his heart. Hardest day of my life. When he was taken out, I asked the mortuary driver to circle down the block and come back and just stop in front of our home until I told them to leave. My husband loved me and his home so wanted him to have those final moments of respect. HIs final day on earth is forever etched in my heart. I know he is in eternal peace. Now I am alone here trying to carry on each day. Much peace to all who watched their loved one take their final breath.

wow Martha, I'm so sorry for everything you had to go through. my husband died at home too but with hospice. We fought the cancer for over 2 years and the cancer won, but 2 days before he died I called in hospice. The Cancer Doctor gave him 2 weeks, he died 10 days from that date. We had a lot of time to say goodbye which I'm grateful for. Hospice took care of everything. No police, no fire trucks, no medical people all was done with hospice.

He died @ 10:30 a.m. and the entire house was cleared out by 4:00 p.m. Hospital bed removed, body gone, oxygen tank taken, all the medical stuff. No one took his drugs though. A couple of weeks later the police department had a "drop off your drugs program" so I took all the drugs to the drop off. hugs Arlene

My husband died at home with hospice assistance. Because I worked in Healthcare Emergency Medicine I had advantages of being familiar with the process. He went on hospice immediately after diagnosis of end stage lung cancer. I began living on autopilot from that point on. Ten weeks later he died.

Our children and family were here not knowing the time was gone and I went to check on him since he hadn't gotten up for the first time. I witnessed him have a seizure and put his bed flat, removed his pillow and secured his airway. After the seizure ended I called hospice and they arrived. Since there was nothing to do and I agreed they left. Less than an hour later he died with the people he loved surrounding him. It was peaceful and I am grateful for every day we shared from high school to the end.
I believe I mentally went into nurse mode for my own personal protection, and my faith in the afterlife gave me the strength to do what needed to be done. Then my world collapsed. Sharon

Martha, what a terrible experience! Like losing your husband in front of your eyes is not bad enough, you had all that other stuff to endure. This is off topic, but I wish medical staff appreciated the lasting impact they have on those of us left behind. I still replay his last hours in the hospital and can see the hospital staff clearly in my mind. My sister in law works with the cardiologist that managed my husbands case and he asked her a while ago how I was doing. I told her that she could tell him he is often in my dreams. How we, and our loved ones, are treated sticks with us as part of the memory of our loss. I was fortunate in that everyone was kind and respectful, but clearly that is not the case for each of us.

My husband passed in his sleep (heart attack). one year ago today. I was home but had slept in another bedroom that night. He wanted to catch up on some shows he had recorded and I was tired. He came in gave me a kiss and a hug said I love you sweetie and I'll see you in the morning. I said the same. I got up made the coffee and waited for him to come down. I went upstairs to turn on the air conditioning and tell him the coffee was ready. He was laying on his back with the fan going over the bed. When I looked him I knew he was gone. I felt so guilty for not being there with him when he passed.(a Sunday)
We had had a wonderful Saturday did our yard, I cut his hair, we sat on our deck and had a drink. He talked about how much he loved me the kids, grandkids even the neighbors. He said was grateful for everything he had and had had a good life. He said when I go protect yourself. I said our you feeling ok your scaring me talking like this. He said I feel great.
I think sometimes the spirit/soul knows when it's going to transition.
I'm so grateful for this last conversation we had. It was out character for him to talk like that.
He was cremated in his Car Hart Tee shirt and Wrangler Levis. (his wishes). He said he didn't want to be in any suit no matter which way he goes up or down. I know he went up. He always wore this and a baseball cap.
He sits on the dresser in our master bedroom. When I go our ashes will be scattered together in our favorite spot in the mountains we loved.

I also had some caring compassionate people at the Mortuary.
I know it's hard to let them go but someday we all will transition.
He knows you took good care of him and remember he was fortunate to have had you share your life with him.
Take care of yourself..hugs...Gail

My husband Richard died at home on 10/3/12. He had fought a 4 1/2 year battle with Neuroendocrine Pancreatic Carcinoid Cancer. He was put into Hospice about 3 weeks before from an ER visit when we found out that their was nothing else they could do for him. His oncologist was amazing. He serves as one of the administrators of the hospice we used. We had hospice in and out of our home two or three times a day. Checking on him, and me. I was my husbands caregiver, so I was the one that was up and down with him. He had gotten so weak, they didn't want him walking alone. Plus cooking and taking care of twin boys that were 12 at the time. The night before he passed away he had gotten up by himself to potty during the night. Which we had a potty by his bed. I slept on a mattress on the floor in the LR. I never heard him get up until he was already out of bed. That was the last time he was out of bed and totally coherent. I tucked him back in bed, and told him goodnight again, and I loved him. He said "I love you baby". The next morning he was in a semi coma. His eyes were open, but he was not talking. He would just look at me. As the day went on, he would close his eyes. When he heard noises he would open his eyes. He was able to nod when I asked him questions. Just could not speak clearly at all. During this day, his dr had called in a round the clock nurse to come in. By 9:30 pm on 10/2/12 he started a small moan. We thought it was the pain, but had given him morphine on a continual basis. By 12:00am on 10/3/12 the moaning had only gotten louder. Scared me to death. Because I could not figure out what was going on. The nurse said she had never experienced this either. She called the dr on call with hospice, and they had another nurse come out to the house. Which it took forever for her to get to the house. She finally arrived at 1:30am and started assessing him, and even called the dr to let him hear.
At 1:49am I finally whispered in Richards ear, that I loved him, and the kids and I will be alright. And that I know it was time to let him go be with Jesus. I told him to give my mom a kiss for me, and remember that I love him forever. He turned his head and his eyes opened and he told me "I love you Susan" and my hand was on his chest, and he took one last breath and he was gone. It took me a while to try and comprehend all the noise he was making. But I feel in my heart, that he was trying to get me to tell him goodbye. I am sure he was probably thinking "woman would you please listen to me". Since he knows how hard headed I am. But the words just couldn't come out. At least that's the thought process that I have come up with.

On August 17th 2015, my wife Lyn and I ate supper. We watched a little T.V. and I went to bed first. She always stayed up and watched later. I fell asleep. Linda said nothing about feeling bad or sick. Normal. I woke up around 4:30 and she was asleep in her recliner which wasn't unusual. I got ready to leave for work. Before I left I woke her up and said I have to go and we kissed good bye. She went on to bed and said nothing about being sick or feeling bad; was acting normal. I left for work around 5 am. I was working a short shift so I got back home around 10:20 that morning.
When I came in the dogs met me at the door as always. Linda was still in bed. She often slept in until I got home. I went into the bedroom and she was laying kind of half off the bed. Sometimes she would sleep rough and it wasn.t unusual for her to sleep that way. I went over to roll her over and wake her to tell her I was home. when I rolled her over I knew something wasn't right.
I just knew. I began shaking her and all the time it was slowly hitting me she was gone. My wife was laying in the same bed we had shared for fifteen years dead. It wasn't real. I stood there staring.
All of a sudden I began to hear this mad man screaming and yelling and crying. So loud I could hear myself bouncing off the walls in our bedroom the echo was so loud. I don't know how no one heard me.
I called 911 to get help. After I tried CPR; certified in it, but she never responded. Once the medics arrived they knew immediately she was gone.
The yard and my house filled up with the local volunteer fire department, which is really a joke, those guys jut stood around talking and looking. The real folks came in and the fun began.
Like Martha wrote,, the state trooper came in and homicide detectives. Then, I guess it's policy with an at home sudden death, I was the suspect. I'm crying falling apart but questioned. No one concerned about my blood pressure, possible nervous breakdown. Or anything else. Just tell me your story again and again. After telling them what happened several times the detective left the room and went to the bedroom then came back trying to mix up my story. After a few times I got, excuse my language, I got pissed. Then they started changing their attitude.
They took video of the whole house. Her medications and all the other rooms that were not involved. After all that I had to pull it together enough to write it all down for them. I had no one there watching exactly what these guys were doing. So I am not sure my rights were protected at all. I had called my step daughter. Her boy friend at the time talked her out of coming to the house then. So I had no one. She didn't show up until later that night.
After messing around my home they left leaving behind one deputy who stayed outside waiting for the coroner. I was left in the house alone with Linda's body. Did not know if I should have gone into the bedroom with her or not. I was at that point afraid of looking suspicious. After about an hour they showed up. Got her on the gurney and almost pushed her off the thing trying to load her body into the van. There had to be an autopsy done because of sudden death at home.
Here is where it gets very sketchy with what I was told or rather lied to. The detective told me I would get a report around six weeks later mailed to me. Gave me his card to call him when I got it. Later while checking on the report I called him. He then tells me that families don't have access to the report. He would get it and call me and read it to me. Complete LIES. It came back to him and he read it to me. A few months later I found the forensics web site and obtained a copy of the report I was told I could not have access to.

Bottom line I was treated like I had killed my wife. I was lied to about obtaining information. I don't know where the video of my home is or what actually happened that morning, because no one was there looking out for my best interest. I do appreciate some one looking out for my wife's best interest to assure no foul play had been committed. But no daughter to over see and help me that morning. I was totally alone. And not sure exactly what went down.

Anyway. Bottom line Lyn is in heaven, I'm still here, and some how life must go on. Who would have thought this a year ago. We were talking about future retirement and being home together more. Less stress, living the life we had left the way we wanted.

Take care.
Peace, Tim

The stories each one of you have shared are so rich in detail about the day your loved one's died.

Thank you for sharing your lives with us.

My Morey had had a series of strokes that had gone undiagnosed for quite some time. He slowly was losing the ability to walk, use his arms, speak, see and swallow. As each symptom occurred he would blame it on something else and I believed him until the final day came, while at home, he couldn't sit-up without assistance and I called 911. He told me NOT to call them that he would be okay and just leave him alone. He was a control freak and didn't want any interference from anyone he didn't know!

Because, through his stubbornness, he could stay home and placate me with lie after lie about how he was doing and he could manage to care for himself without me intruding too much he would suffer these strokes until one of them attacked his spinal cord and that's the day I called 911.. He was determined to stay away from the medical establishment and live out his life organically......it didn't work......he had to have medical assistance and he was angry at me for violating his trust in me to let him be his own doctor!

I should have intervened the moment I found out he had stopped taking his blood pressure medication. He had become so belligerent and hostile he actually scared me.

He was a big man, with a big voice and he had ALWAYS taken care of business and his family. We had built two brand new homes in Los Angeles, raised horses, traveled the world and raised 3 children, we lived a wonderful life. I loved and trusted him with all my heart. He had changed through these unknown strokes and even seemed to have suffered some dementia as the doctors who visited him in the hospital would tell me. It was hard to hear and even harder to watch.

My love, my life, my world would change forever as I watched this beautiful, robust, suntanned, muscle building man slowly, ever so slowly become incapable of uttering a complete sentence, unable to sit up and even comb his own hair and then to fall asleep for a brief nap and die.

He wanted to die at home.....I'm so glad he didn't.

Thank you for letting me share my story.

Roz

2/6/16
Tommy didn't actually die here at home but it was kinda like he did.Tommy had been sick with pneumonia . He was in hospital for 11 days . He came home and still didn't feel good, I thought it was just taking him awhile to bounce back, little did I know, he was dying :(
On the 6th day, he sat up on the side of the bed and fell over, dragging all his stuff off the bedside table (lamp, medicine,glass,etc) down to the floor with him . I started screaming, our oldest child comes in and takes control. She started CPR and had the phone on her ear. So peremedics, ambulance , police and who ever else they think of and everyone that gets here ask me what happened so I repeat over and over and like you Martha It was like they were accusing me but at that time I didn't care. They worked on him for ever it seemed like. I can't say he died here but it felt like it. They said he coded here then he coded on the way to the hospital and they told me if he coded again, that would be it cause he had lost to much oxygen to the brain. So I got to go in and see him with tubes and wires everywhere. I asked the nurse can we move things around so I can at least get up there to kiss his forehead.? So she helped me at the best she could, I leaned over and kissed his head and he sprung up with his eyes wide open:(
I know he knew it was me but it was shocking . I calmed him , told him I loved him and that was when I prayed Gods Will Be Done cause I didn't know what to do. They had me leave to do shift change and I leaned to kiss his head again and he done it again. Once again I reassured him and we had to go out of room. I made sure the nurse had my cell phone number , walked down with family to get something to drink and my phone rang and the nurse said 'honey, I'm sorry but your husband coded again and there was nothing we could do :(' .... I screamed and lost it.
When I got back to his room. They still had all the wires and stuff on his face and he looked swollen. I said why didn't they take this off so we could get closer to him and see him better? They said because of the way he died,they have to make sure no one tampered with him or anything that caused his death and I thought wow but then I thought 'oh well I know none of us did nothing wrong 'and they probably do have to deal with idiots.
I still feel like I'm talking about someone else cause it seems to me, he should be walking thur the front door so I can fill him in on everything he has missed lately :) :(

My wife Patricia died on Mothers Day this year after a 5 year battle with lung cancer. We knew it would happen eventually so she wanted to be sure that we stayed in our home and that she died in the home that she loved so much, the home we made together.

After all the chemo and radiation options were gone she was still relatively healthy but slowly declining. Finally when she couldn't eat or drink anymore we went to the hospital The doctors were good but all of them looked at us with a question in their eyes, as if we didn't know what was happening. Finally I had to tell the doctor in charge "We understand what is happening. We just want to get her home." They stabilized her enough to take her home and she had four really good days there. The day before she passed she was having a friend over for tea just like any other day in her life. That night when I gave her her meds I could tell that something was different, and the next morning when I woke her for her meds I could tell that this would be the day. As it happened, all of the kids were planning to be there for Mothers Day anyway. I called the rest of the family too. It was twelve excruciating hours, watching her as she slowly lost the ability to communicate and to stay awake. But she did get to see everyone and they all got to say goodbye. She didn't realize what was happening because at one point she said to her daughter "Stop talking to me like I'm on my deathbed". We all took turns holding her, having private time with her. It was the hardest day of my life. Finally she opened her eyes and tried to sit up, and her daughters called me into the room. They thought she wanted something but I could see that her eyes were open but she wasn't seeing anything. I could see how scared she was. I told her it was ok, that everyone was here with her and that we were ready whenever she was. She laid back down and drew her last few breaths. We all spent time with her and then I called hospice. The nurse came and made the pronouncement and then called the funeral home. Everyone was very nice, very respectful. I cannot say enough good things about these people who perform one of the hardest jobs on the planet.
Anyway, I consider us "lucky" that we were able to sort of plan things, to prepare as best we could. It still hurts just as much as an unexpected death but I do think that having a chance to say goodbye makes a big difference.

Patricia P., you spoke about your husband sitting up with his eyes open when he heard you. That's really amazing.
It reminded me when my husband had gotten to a point in his illness/disease (lung cancer) that he had to start staying on the hospital bed. He told me the day the bed was delivered..."I will start using this bed when I'm ready". There were NO more hospital visits. He'd seen enough of that already.
But he was now not speaking but could hear of course and understand. At one point when I was fixing his sheets he was trying to situp and having a hard time (oh this is making me cry) and he tried three times, I tried to help him and said to him, Honey do you need anything what can I do....he looked at me and said: "kiss", "I want a kiss"....I said of course Love, and kissed him and laid back down and didn't speak anymore.
It took so much effort for him to try to sit up and it was because he wanted me to kiss him. I will never forget it.
I cried then too.
He only said a few words after that but would nod and look at us.
I knew he could hear. His brain wouldn't allow him to speak or move about. Oh so heartbreaking.
For all of us. I wish all of you such comfort.

MrsL ..., I cried when I wrote mine and I cried when I read your, that's so sweet. It has to be hard for the men because they like to be the one to take care of us not us taking care of them .I have a lot of hindsight when I think back, I wish I would have just grabbed him in a big hug regardless of the wires and tubes, I wish I would have said more. Guess we all have the shoulda-coulda-woulda's... Can't change nothing.....seems so unfair.