Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Dear Abby I wish three was some way to make families understand that because someone has been widowed, we don't stop caring about them. so why do they stop inviting us to family functions? Is it because they didn't care for us in the first place? Left out in Iowa
Reply: There isn't one-size fits all answer to your question. However, I suspect that in many cases it's because the wiodw's presence is a painful reminder of the family member that is missing.
SO DUH LEAVE HER/HIM OUT THAT WILL CERTAINLY HELP HER/HIM
I think I will write Dear Abby after work tonight....
Reply: There isn't one-size fits all answer to your question. However, I suspect that in many cases it's because the wiodw's presence is a painful reminder of the family member that is missing.
SO DUH LEAVE HER/HIM OUT THAT WILL CERTAINLY HELP HER/HIM
I think I will write Dear Abby after work tonight....
A popular advice columnist has apparently lost her mind. How do you recommend I let her know?
Miffed in Kentucky
I am writing today in response to your reply to Left out in Iowa on June 1. While I understand the reasoning behind your response, I feel you severely missed the mark by not taking it a bit further. Yes, people do tend to feel awkward around us, especially in the early months after our spouses pass. But Abby, that is exactly the point hereour SPOUSES died, WE did not. Just because you are uncomfortable talking to me, doesnt mean that I am uncomfortable being around others. Please give me the opportunity to enjoy your occasion with you, or respectfully decline. I promise that most of us have enough pain in our lives without self inflicting more by making a spectacle of ourselves at your event. Unless you have lost your soul mate, you have no clue the loneliness that a widow/er goes through. Some of us long to interact with friends. This is true even more in cases like mine where an extended illness may have kept us from being able to go to such events in the past because we were also the caregiver to an ailing spouse.
Abby, I read your column every day and the majority of the time I feel you are pretty spot on with what you tell your readers, however this time I feel you did a huge injustice to just brush off the rude behavior of family and friends that feel too uncomfortable around us. Shame on your for justifying that behavior. I dare say that if it were a child that had lost their parent recently; you would have quickly admonished such behavior toward that child!
Maggie
Macmom - you're sending that - right??
Already did!!
Abby's daughter now responds...
SO here it is
Dearest Abby
Please surround yourself as soon as you can with widows/widowers, please. Get their take on what you said. I disagree there is one size fits most: each person who was a part of that persons life before the loss of their loved one needs to reach out more than ever: Can I listen to you once a week tell your story of your loss? Can I take you to lunch twice a month? Can I invite you to go have dinner with us? Can I help you fix your roof, or your broken pipes, help mow you lawn, can I come and hug you once a week & tell you I am so sorry for your loss. Do you still want to go ride bikes with us, or ride horses with us, or ride snowmobiles with us or ? whatever was our routine activity?
Can I help you straighten out your must do list that haunts you in the beginning, can I go with you to the lawyers or court house?
Is that enough ideas for one size fits all?
Please the loneliness is overwhelming for many widows/widowers - it last forever. We are people with the plague now. Do not say go to a grief support group one size does not fit all. I can not make it, there is none near me, and not enough people to even get three people to come.
From undearest in WA
Maggie
you are so correct....