Hi loveddogs, I am new to this board and this is my first post. I lost my husband of 33 years on December 21, after a lengthy battle with liver cancer. He did well for seven years, but the last four months were brutal. We did everything together and were rarely without each other, nowI am often alone with my memories. While I am struggling, everyone believes I am doing well in the grieving process. What they see is a mask that I wear any time I leave my house - no one wants to really see the misery I am feeling so I hide it. I can see the pain in our children's faces when I cry in front of them, so I try to avoid that as much as possible

I went to my first support group meeting yesterday and loved it. For an hour and a half I was able to talk (and cry) with people who knew exactly how I felt and welcomed my tears. It was freeing not to apologize for my crying or excuse myself to the restroom to gain my composure. While I only planned to go one time, now I am looking forward to next Saturday where I can feel normal for a little while. So, my advice, for what it's worth is, try it. Go to one meeting. If it's not for you, don't go again. That was my plan. If I was really miserable, I even planned to excuse myself mid-meeting, leave and not return. But that wasn't the case, I liked the meeting, liked the people, cried and even laughed. If you try it, you just might like it, too.

Hi Michelle,
Your children mean well and have your best interests in mind. I haven't done any therapy so I can't address you're question. But it is your decision to make, not your kids. So don't let them pressure you. Follow the peace in your heart, and if that is something you should do, you will know when it is the right time. Hang in there kiddo! ~~ Scottie

Michele, I went to individual counseling, and it helped me a lot. Did it "cure" my grief? Of course not - Cliff and I had 30 years together, it was not going to be one single thing that was going to get me through it. Our "other halves" were part of every layer, every facet, every day of our lives for decades. It would be sheer fantasy to think that counseling/therapy alone would make up for that kind of loss.

HOWEVER, in my opinion, when you put your tool kit for surviving and thriving together, it should include counseling. It is going to take lots of bits - many of which you have already been using, like coming here, and reading books on grieving, etc. For me, I held onto the notion that Cliff didn't want me to suffer every day, nor did he want me to give up and fail our sons. Others in my life needed me and cared about me, even if he wasn't here to do that and even when I didn't care about me.

Counseling can give you some insights into what the hardest areas are to work through and also give you some ideas on how to manage those. For me it was invaluable. It was not a "cure-all" but an important part of the arsenal to use against my devastating grief.

I think you should consider one-on-one therapy, then later possibly group therapy if you want it. Your hospice can probably help you get the therapy.

You are far enough along to have accepted the realities of your loss, but how to manage the feelings that go with that is another problem. I think therapy would be helpful for you.

I hope that helps.....

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

Dear Michelle, it wouldn't be an instant cure, but it could help. In my case, it was part of many grieving tools. I went to a support group. We watched a movie on grieving and talked. Nothing was new, but the sharing helped. Whatever decision you make, trust you make a right one. Tiger

Hi Michele, Every one of us is different so there's no one size fits all method for working through our loss and our grief and for discovering what this life we must live now holds for us. After much reading and study and trying three different support groups I chose therapy. Reading and studying the subject of grief really helped me understand the components of grief and how it affected me. It didn't releave or reduce the effects of grief. I just knew what they were when I experienced them. I always felt worse after the group meetings. They just seemed to magnify my feelings and keep me in the dark place I was. Other than being educational, neither of these did anything to motivate me. I was just as securely and painfully chained to my past. I gave one on one therapy a chance and it worked for me. Grief is a journey, one that requires work to process, to move through, to break those chains and move forward. I saw that I had two choices. I could stay where I was, stagnate and wait to die too or I could live this new life I found myself in. I saw that wasting this life was something I just couldn't do. Not living it would have dishonored Capri and our life together and the things we learned about life and loved would be wasted. Therapy was no easy fix. Just like grief, it required work. At first, it helped me get my feelings out in the open then it gave me the tools, motivation and encouragement I needed to move forward. During the process I developed depression. It's unlikely I'd have seen that and found the help I needed if I'd been going it alone. The result now is that I acknowledge and honor our life before. I accept now that this life is something I must live and seek happiness in. That's my story. I wish you peace and comfort with whatever you choose and strength to work at it and find your way forward.
~John

Michele,
I am in counseling and it helps ALOT! I can really be myself with my counselor. I can cry, get angry go though all the feelings I can't do in the "real" world. It is cleansing. I know I have to be a different person without my husband and I am using counseling to find and LOVE that person. Finding someone else to be with is the VERY last thing on my mind. I am learning how to be with me and enjoy it. Which can be the hardest thing to do. I am an introvert so group is NOT for me. I like this site and find it helpful too. I was part of a group when my husband and I separated and left after 3 meetings. Not my cup of tea! I think you need to try different things and see what works for you. Don't rule anything out. I know a piece of my heart will always belong to my husband. Counseling will not change that. It is just helping me give part of my heart to myself.

I have been for since Dec 2nd and I go every week. I force myself to go. Its the only that I have to keep me accountable for my own actions. I have only missed one week. My therapist says journaling truly helps. She wants me to write down 3 positives a day. She said and don't over think it. Could be anything from the beautiful sunrise with vibrant colors to getting a phone call or a hug that wasn't expected. At this point we are trying to figure out where I am in this journey. A few weeks ago she wrote down some things I have already accomplished and then made a list of things I still needed to accomplish. When we compared the list ,the list of things I had already accomplished was by far a very positive thing. Things that was undone in the house ,such as the kitchen floor or the new tiled bathroom (I absolutely love), getting my credit back in check ,going on a much needed vacation to get away for a week but also realizing I was stronger and more capable of traveling by myself then I ever thought.

She said everything you are saying or feeling is normal. She sad crying is a positive thing. She said to have a pitty party is a good thing too as long as you don't do it everyday lol. She said if you feel like doing nothing on your days off work and it doesn't bother you then don't do anything. She said if you stay home and sleep and don't do anything and then that makes you feel bad , then you need to get out and do something. But she said sometimes we just need the downtime ,to rest and relax. She asked me on my weekend off the last time did I feel bad about not doing anything on my weekdoff and I said no. She said so see you just needed the downtime. When you start feeling bad about not doing something then that's the problem.

I am currently in individual grief counseling and it has helped tremendously. She did not know my husband so its the only place where i get objectivity. I always worry about what i will talk about but our meetings I go from my tears to my strength in no particular order. My plan is to move to a group eventually. It's just a way to add to your coping arsenal.
Prayers to you and your family.

Michelle ive gone to 3 griefshare group sessions. Each group was 13 weeks long. It helped me compartmentalize my feelings some. Got to meet others in either the same or worse scenarios. I got to understand what it was like for different people grieving..i made new and understanding friends. Started to not feel so all alone in my grief. Much love and big hugs carla

Michelle:

I am a pretty smart cookie, and intellectually understood my grief and didn't think that I needed counseling. I floundered around for about 8 months. When I realized that my head and my heart were not the same thing I went to a grief group. Best decision I ever made. It helped me process through my emotions, gave me a path through my rough patches of grief. Most importantly it gave me a group of people who understood exactly what I was going through. Give it a shot, what could one meeting hurt?

Hugs,
Val

You're very genuine in your outlook on things. Maybe go just to see if your opinion of therapy or group support is valid. You're going to broaden your own experience that's all. This is what I tell myself when I'm not sure about trying something new...if it gets the kids off your back, giving you some relief in that area, all the better.

I would think that group therapy would be much like what folks do here. At least I would hope so. Even tho I don't know the folks here face to face I feel close to everyone because of what we share. If you could find a group that can exhibit as much concern and compassion as the folks seem to do here I would give it a try. But what ever you decide to do it has to be your decision because your the one who is going thru this and you have to take care of your self.
Peace, Tim

Grief counseling in a small group, with a trained counselor running the group, worked really well for me. And I really feel that even from the first session, it was not a group of strangers, because losing our spouses made us all very much kindred spirits, not strangers at all. I do think it's important to have a counselor in the room though, because a "support group" of fellow widows/widowers is really helpful later. But for the early days, a counseling group is focused, and you learn tools to cope from the professional counselor, and he/she keeps the group focused and moving forward as much as possible. The Samaritan Hospice organization has very excellent grief counseling groups at very low cost. Best wishes to you in finding one that can help you feel a little better.

I would urge you to try going for yourself and see if it's a fit for you. I attended private counseling and group counseling through my local Hospice. It is open to the public and not exclusive for those using Hospice during the illness. Having a facilitator that you connect with is vital and mine was great.

As for showing emotions and tears, it's not to be ashamed of. Releasing these emotions are part of healing. Only you know if it's beneficial for you. For me it was a positive step. Sharon