(((debbie))) I think that the only person who should be in charge of you is YOU. Perhaps those people are trying to help, but I guess one must find gentle (or not so gentle, depending upon the people) ways to tell them that you are perfectly happy where you are and if you ever decided to take up with someone on a serious level that YOU will be the one to say when or even "if" it's best for you.

You may not be looking for support, honey or agreement, but you've got it from me anyway! You have enough on your plate coping with what's been going on (and is still going on, I know). There are always those out there who will tell someone else that they need to get married, need to have children, need to...well, you fill in the blanks. Just tell yourself they mean well and walk away with a gentle little tune in your heart. JMO

In the South, where I live, it is almost expected that a widow move on and find another man as soon as she can. Many women from my hometown do that all the time. Often, within a few short months after the death, you will hear that so and so is dating such and such (usually a new widower) and within too short a time, they are married.

First of all, I cannot even begin to think about the effort it would take to be with another man. I also resent the implication that a woman is nothing unless she is on the arm of some man, any man.

Like you, I am content with relationships with family and girlfriends. I am blessed to have had a well rounded social life that did not always include my precious husband before his death. He was always welcome but he knew I needed girl time. I am convinced that I will never find another man who is that mentally healthy and trusting.

For the first time in my life, I am alone in my home. I want to find out what I am all about. While I did not choose this path, it is what it is and I want to make Wayne proud by being my own person. I do not need someone else to complete me. - Claire

Just my opinion but I really do think they mean well, they just don't get it. I'm with you, I have no desire to seek out another relationship, I'm still trying to redefine who I am---learning to find a new me in place of "we". I had a long wonderful marriage--and I can't imagine that anyone else could ever fill his shoes--nor would I want them to. I don't feel I need a man to make me complete--I admit I feel anything but complete since losing the love of my life--but it's because HE isn't here, not because there is not a man in my life. I agree with Claire that in the south it's almost expected---but they will just have to keep expecting because I'm doing things my way and I'm still trying to redefine myself. I have no intention of muddying the waters by bringing someone else into the picture just because society thinks I should. Good for you for standing your ground :).

I don't eally get it either. I want to find happiness again, but does that have to mean another man? I am coming up on a year and I just haven't seen anyone that would begin to appeal to me and they're not knocking my door down either.

People just don't get us. Some want us with someone because they think it's a sad life if you don't have someone. Some want us with someone because they fear we can't take care of ourselves. My dad was in that category and I didn't know it. He's 84 and felt comfort in knowing my husband would be here to care for me when he's gone. Then my husband passed and he went into panic mode, even telling me to get married again and that was on the day of my husband's funeral. This went on for a year then I bought a house. I hadn't expected his reaction, imagined he wouldn't be happy. Well to the contrary he was excited, beyond happy. I bought him out to see the house once I moved in and he confessed that he'd been worried that I couldn't take care of myself. Most of my life I'd either lived at home or with my husband. Seeing me in my house showed him that I could take care of myself. He saw that I could pick out a house and actually get the loan to purchase it. It means a lot to him. He said now he can go comfortable in the fact that no one will take advantage of me.

Debbie, you don't have to explain your feelings to anyone--it is perfectly OK to feel the way you do. Somehow, I get the impression from you that you think others view this as "abnormal". It is not. I think we need to do whatever it is that makes US happy.

On the other hand, understand that some people chose to date and socialize with the opposite sex, some will remarry, and some will continue to search for a mate. That's perfectly fine too. What I think is important is that we not take such great offense if someone mentions this subject, and you don't have to feel angry, hurt or insulted. Just smile and say "I am happy with my life the way it is". Your feelings are your own and perfectly acceptable. No one can force you into dating or doing anything you don't want to do.

I am not actively searching for anyone, although it would be nice to have someone to go out to dinner with on occasion. My feelings are kind of different than most--guess I'm in the neurtral posiition. I wouldn't say never, ever. Life is funny sometimes--we never really know what is ahead of us. I will say this--I have been in some bad relationships prior to marrying my husband and I would much rather be alone than deal with that.

This doesn't really have to be an issue. Real friends will respect your feelings and why should you even care what other people do or think? I have several widowed friends that are content to remain single and travel. Just be yourself and try to be happy.

I came to read and reply, but see that Caroline4 has said everything I would have, and so beautifully, that I can only add. 'ditto' to all of it.

It really is about what makes YOU happy Debbie, and as long as you are happy, nothing anyone else says to you, should matter.

HUGS to all of you

Diane

It wasn't too many years ago that a widow would have a hard time supporting herself. I think the attitudes are a hold-over from that time.

I respect your decision. But for me I have learned to live alone and actually if I met someone I would go for it. I am just a month ahead of you so it's been awhile since Jim passed. I don't go out of my way but if a nice man crossed my path I would welcome it. I had an incredible marriage to Jim and if I can have even half of that again why not?

It is personal choice. Your postings are filled with your love for your late husband and your determination to not be involved with another as long as you live. Sometimes I wonder if you are trying to convince yourself or perhaps the love you shared ran deeper than other's had for their spouses as it seems that if they would want to find love again they are being disrespectful to their dead spouse. I know that you had not been alone, going from your parents to your husband and the independence you feel now is liberating. If this is something that fulfills you and brings you peace and happiness then it is completely and rightly your choice. We are not the judges we are but others in the same situation processing our loss and living our lives as best we can. I love my late husband, I miss him and wish he were still here with me but it isn't so. I miss loving someone and find MY fulfillment sharing a life with someone. I think that others share this thoughs and there are those who would rather remain alone. Tell your friends that at this point in your life you are fine being alone and exploring who you are and to leave you alone about finding someone else.....people like to fix people.
Warm wishes for your happiness...
Linda

I believe people tell us, what they think they would do or even have done. I think they imagine themselves or feel they would feel alone and not content if their spouses died, so, they reply with their emotions.

Just as some people are perplex how one could get married, date so soon after.... and some people wonder why not.

I have read some post here where some widows have come across in their words to some of the widowers as it being disrespectful they were dating so "soon."

People react to what coincides with their beliefs...and I think people are just trying to be helpful as a whole.

I don't think there is one single answer for your question. I think it depends on who is saying that you need to find another mate. The possibilities are:

1. Guys who hope you will date them.
2. People who don't want to hear anymore about your losing Richard.
3. People who could care less and automatically give you the knee-jerk reply because it's easy to do that and they don't have to think about it.
4. People who project their own fears onto your situation, mistakenly believing that you feel as they do.
5. People who want you to be "just like them" because that's easier and more comfortable for them.
6. People who don't trust your judgment or don't value your intelligence and life experience.
7. People who you have not been clear with that you don't want another partner.
8. People who didn't know Richard and didn't know you before his loss, so they don't understand how his loss has changed you.
9. People who want to fix you up with someone (play matchmaker) not for your benefit but for some other person they know who needs/wants a mate. You're financially secure and have no kids and that makes you an attractive possibility to some folks - i.e., they would think you came with "no baggage."
- and lastly -
10. People who care about you and who genuinely think you would be happier with another partner.

Sometimes it seems like everybody else thinks they know what is best for us and very importantly WHEN it is best for us. They don't. People will tell you to get another partner and they will also tell you NOT to do that. I've heard all kinds of reasons pro and con. They really don't matter -- what matters is how YOU feel about it.

This has been a big issue for you, and I wonder if there is someone in your personal circle that is harrassing you about this? If you are being harrassed, particularly in the workplace, there are legal steps you can take to stop it. If it's in your social or familial circle, then perhaps your counselor can help you come up with a way of presenting your stance clearly and effectively so that whoever is doing this will finally get off your back about it.

Everything Martha said and I want to add...
If your choices are bringing you joy then who else in this world has a right to judge? You alone walk in your shoes, and you alone should make choices for you based on what works and does not work for you. We all are individuals capable of individual thought and action and we each need to do what works for us, at any given moment, not what others think we should do.

For the same reason, we should not judge others for choosing differently than we do.

I'm glad that you are you and I am me. Hearing others perspectives is what makes DS such a wonderful site. We learn so much from each other here.

hugs...
-Diana

What I like about DS is that it is a safe and respected place to share our feelings. I'm one who always responds in an honest manner, especially if someone asks for my opinion.

Yes, my love for my husband remains strong, and "suzie58's" post sums me up perfectly.

I know we are all different in our desires, wants and needs, and that's perfectly fine. I just needed to vent and this is the best place to do it.

On a related note, I went to visit my Parents a week ago or so and as soon as I walk in the door my Mom says "no wonder you don't have a woman, look at those baggy pants". I have recently lost some weight so my pants are kind of baggy, but I figure I may as well wear them out before I get new ones. Plus I think I'm a little old for skinny pants. I know that she means well , and I don't get my feelings hurt by such things. I just say "Gee, thanks Mom".